Adult Jokes

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

Watch this until the man falls down
(wait for it. It's worth it)... AFTER the man falls down, scroll down...














































This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - oh dear.
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway, So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
5 min -1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1 hr plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ. To find out what your prize is, watch until the man falls down.

[Kimmy]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
> down, but says nothing.
> The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues
> to sit there.
> Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
> The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side
> either!!!"

[BC]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would
dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the
next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other
girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you
two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only
to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed , 'Well, I suppose it probably looks
odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants
the trees called in sick.'

[Kimmy]

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

[Kimmy]

How times have changed.

Years ago you had to open up a girl's knickers to see her buttocks.
These days you have to open up her buttocks to see her knickers.

[Kimmy]

Two women are on their way back from a night out when they get desperate for a piss. They're halfway through a graveyard and no one's around so they drop their pants and go behind a couple of gravestones, the first women wipes her fanny with her knickers and the second uses a wreath.

The next day the husbands are at the pub and the first one says;
"I'll have to keep an eye on my missus from now on, she went out last night and came back with no knickers on!"

And the second replies;
"That's nothing, mine came home with a card wedged halfway up her arse saying 'We'll always miss you, from all the lads at the station'!"

[Kimmy]

A rather confident kimmypops walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch by my staff and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

kimmy tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[Kimmy]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
> by a train.
> His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and
> he's walking with a limp.
> "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
> "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
> "That little rat, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must
> have had something in his hand."
> "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
> he gave me with it."
> "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. "Didn't you have
> something in your hand?"
> "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
> was, but useless in a fight!!!"

[Kimmy]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
> at her door.
> "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
> "Of cours e you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
> husband?"
> "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down
> at the Guinness brewery..."
> "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
> " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
> Finally, she looked up at Tim.
> "How did it happen, Tim?"
> "It was terrible, Brenda he fell ito a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
>
> "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go
> quickly?"
> "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee!"

[Kimmy]

Mary Clancy ges up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
> she's in tears.
> He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
> She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
> night."
> The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell m e, Mary, did he have any
> last requests?"
> She says, "That he did, Father."
> The priest says, "Wh at did he ask, Mary? "
> She says, he said, "Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[Kimmy]

Cat jokes.

* Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
* Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
* What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
* What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
* Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
* What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
* What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
* What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
* How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
* Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
* Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
* Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
* What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
* What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
* What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
* What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
* What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
* What is a cat's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple!
* Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
* What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
* What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
* What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
* If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
* Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
* If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
* Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
* How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
* What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.
* What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
* What is a cat's favourite subject in school? HISStory.
* What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
* How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
* What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
* Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
* What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
* What is the cat's favourite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
* How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
* Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
* If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
* What is a cat's favourite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."
* What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
* Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
* Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
* What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
* What is a cat's favourite car? The Catillac.
* What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A Lawn Meower.
* Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
* What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
* Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
* Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.

[Kimmy]

I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

[Kimmy]

School Photos.

Couldn't believe it, check it out. This website is amazing.

They actually have photographs of almost every School in the World. Unless you went to School when camera's weren't invented, you will find a photo of yourself, or at least your classmates.

Click on the link below or type it into your search line.

You have to enter the name of your school and a Year that you were there.

www.worldschoolphotographs.com/wsp/index1.htm

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as Replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas

[Kimmy]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment
by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10 This is for cat.
11 This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.



Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

'But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]