|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 28, 2009 19:10:41 GMT
ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble - one prick all gone
Man who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
Man who farts in church sits in own pew
Crowded elevator smells different to midget
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 28, 2009 19:11:41 GMT
I take Viagara every night. Not because I have a problem with sex it stops me falling out of bed.  |
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 28, 2009 19:13:43 GMT
There was a lady who worked in an all night drugstore.
On a Friday she started working at about 8 pm so she would be
there all night.
At about 11 p.m. a mature man comes in and asks for some condoms.
The clerk asks "What size will you be needing?"
The man says, "Size? Guess it's been a while -- hell I don't know"
Clerk says, "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take a
look."
So the man whips it out on the counter -- the clerk gives it a few
strokes -- then over the intercom the clerk announces, "size medium
condoms to aisle 6."
The man pays for his purchase and he is off.
Around midnight another gentleman comes in and he is also wanting
condoms. The clerk asks him, "Well what size will you be needing?"
The gentleman says "Actually I have never purchased any before -- I
have no idea."
The clerk says, "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take
a look."
So the gentleman whips it out on the counter, the clerk gives it a few
rubs, and announces over the intercom -- "Size large condoms to aisle 6."
The gentleman pays for his purchase and leaves.
A little later on a young fella about 17 comes in and very shy-like
asks for some condoms. The clerk asks him "Well what size are you
needing sonny?"
Of course the boy is quite embarrassed and blurts out "Oh my God -- size???"
The clerk says, "Whip it out on the counter here sonny and we will take a look."
Shy but willing -- the boy whips it out on the counter -- the clerk gives it a
few rubs and then announces on the intercom, "Clean up on aisle 6."
|
|
|
|
Post by BC on Mar 29, 2009 22:25:36 GMT
Shy but willing -- the boy whips it out on the counter -- the clerk gives it a few rubs and then announces on the intercom, "Clean up on aisle 6". You could see that one coming... Ahem.  |
|
|
|
Post by banger on Mar 30, 2009 12:46:59 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 31, 2009 18:19:35 GMT
Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE!
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone
buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our
partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gatewa y at Stansted where 20 local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
£200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.
They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain .
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.
It won't cost you a penny.
It could change your life forever .
So play today.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...
COME ON DOWN!
Get along to the airport!
Get along to the lorry park!
Get along to the ferry terminal!
Don't stop in Germany or France !
Go straight to Britain
And you are:
GUARANTEED
to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 31, 2009 18:22:48 GMT
Some of these are hilarious. How can people be this stupid?!
• A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
• A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff, when in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
• "The beach was too sandy."
• A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
• "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
• "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
• "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
• "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
• "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
• "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
• "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
• "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
• "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
• "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
• "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
• "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
• "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
• "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
• "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
• "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 31, 2009 18:28:03 GMT
The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance. A condon allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 2, 2009 10:57:09 GMT
1st look and see the Whale under the water. Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until you see the Whale. Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, but stand back, you might get wet (it's like it's 3D). Click on the picture when it loads completely, and be sure that your sound is on CLICK ON: www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html |
|
|
|
Post by banger on Apr 2, 2009 16:16:09 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 2, 2009 17:43:42 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 2, 2009 17:45:50 GMT
I love my new computer.  |
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 2, 2009 17:47:45 GMT
The perfect woman.  |
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 2, 2009 17:49:20 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 2, 2009 17:52:42 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 2, 2009 20:43:11 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 4, 2009 18:03:32 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 4, 2009 18:48:59 GMT
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her
virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a
flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
|
|
|
|
Post by banger on Apr 4, 2009 22:09:46 GMT
SUNDAY SCHOOL
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God almighty!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good" and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "who is our lord and savior," but, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The teacher fainted.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 5, 2009 18:42:20 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 5, 2009 18:46:30 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 6, 2009 8:52:19 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 6, 2009 9:00:01 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 6, 2009 18:08:07 GMT
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 6, 2009 18:09:11 GMT
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......
'Bastards won't let me fart.'
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 7, 2009 11:07:16 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 7, 2009 18:37:29 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 7, 2009 18:41:30 GMT
kimmypops mansions outside loo for the staff.  |
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 8, 2009 8:39:55 GMT
Happy Easter.  |
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 8, 2009 19:05:16 GMT
|
|
