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Post by Kimmy on Apr 18, 2009 10:03:57 GMT
A lorry carrying potatoes over turned today. Drivers should proceed with care in case they get a chip on their windscreen. Two cars have been mashed and police are appealing for spectators. So keep your eyes peeled.
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Post by Nofinepix on Apr 18, 2009 11:56:39 GMT
There was a guy fishing off Blackpool pier and along strolls his local bookie:
Bookie: You'll never catch anything fishing there.
The guy: I bet you that I catch at least one fish within the next 30 minutes
Bookie: OK I'll let you have a tenner on at 4/1.
The guy agrees to the bet and carries on fishing. About 20 minutes later he catches a flat fish, not very big but still good enough for him to win the bet.
Bookie: OK you win here's your winnings.
The Guy: Hey you're 30 quid short I had a tenner on at 4/1.
Bookie: Ah but you only get a quarter of the odds for a plaice.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 18, 2009 12:21:41 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 18, 2009 12:24:26 GMT
This was the man he got sxxx on.  |
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 18, 2009 17:48:46 GMT
Light switch.  |
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 18, 2009 17:52:07 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 18, 2009 17:56:26 GMT
I love my new computer.  |
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 18, 2009 18:02:00 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 19, 2009 9:59:22 GMT
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.....
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 19, 2009 18:27:24 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 20, 2009 8:55:12 GMT
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.'
'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Mike--it's me, Joe..'
'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'
'Joe! Where are you?'
'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.
The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're in the team for Tuesday.'
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 20, 2009 8:59:08 GMT
Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaners and says to the person working there "I would like to have this stain removed from my shirt". The woman who was working there was hard of hearing and says "Come again." And she replies "No this time its ice cream."
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 20, 2009 9:00:16 GMT
Things are bad at home. The wife says she is sick of me! Football,
Rugby, Cricket, always sport on the telly. Anyway, I
booked a quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up.
By 9 o'clock, things were ten times worse! She hadn't potted a
single red ...........
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 21, 2009 17:46:58 GMT
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 21, 2009 17:50:23 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 21, 2009 17:51:34 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 21, 2009 17:54:16 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 21, 2009 17:54:57 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 21, 2009 17:58:43 GMT
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 21, 2009 17:59:07 GMT
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 21, 2009 17:59:27 GMT
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 22, 2009 9:02:20 GMT
It was a small town and the policeman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car yard, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
We can't drive."
Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 22, 2009 9:39:49 GMT
I went for a walk the other day and down a lane near my mansion I came upon a gravestone by the side of the road. It only gave the age, name and where the person came from. "120 Miles from London."
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 22, 2009 19:22:46 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 23, 2009 10:00:59 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 23, 2009 17:57:28 GMT
Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men
A: It changes your blood group
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 23, 2009 18:01:09 GMT
There is a guy named Steve, he is a tall, strong and very attractive guy but unfortunately he is also a simpleton, i.e. innocent and dumb.
Steve is sitting on a rather empty train across from a hot lady wearing a tight mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The woman realizes he is staring and asks, 'Are you looking at my pu**y?'
Steve feels guilty and apologizes Yes, I'm sorry. I promise I won't look at it again.
The woman turns back, but after a while smiles and looks back at him and says Hey! It's quite alright it's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.
Sure enough the pu**y blows him a kiss.
Steve, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pu**y can do.
'I can also make it wink,' says the woman. Steve stares in amazement as the pu**y winks at him.
'Come and sit next to me,' suggests the woman, patting the seat. Steve moves over.
The woman is now visibly horny and asks Steve, 'Would you like to push a couple of your fingers in?'
Stunned, Steve replies, 'What! Can it whistle, too?'
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 23, 2009 18:02:14 GMT
What are the two most important holes in a woman?
Her nostrils,so she can keep breathing while she is giving you a blow job.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 23, 2009 18:04:30 GMT
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 23, 2009 18:10:27 GMT
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She said, ''Daddy, what is sex?'' The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.'' When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. Her father said, ''Why did you ask that question, honey?'' She replied, ''Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a few sex.''
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