Adult Jokes

[Kimmy]

Jokes etc.

[BC]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[banger]

Another Irisn Joke
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

----------------------------------------------

[banger]

From Irish To Jewish
Maturity
Sarah and Suzy have been married to their husbands for many years and are the best of friends. Sarah doesn’t think her husband finds her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't even bother to look at me!" said Sarah.
"It’s the opposite for me”, replies Suzy. “As I get older, my husband says I get even more beautiful every day."
"But that’s because your husband is an antique dealer!"

Who is to blame?
Rebecca goes to see her Rabbi. He can see right away that she is angry. She immediately tells him that she wants a divorce.
"Why, what's the matter?" he asks.
Rebecca replies, "I have a strong suspicion that he's not the father of our youngest child!"

[BC]

Subject: Praise

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain.. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[Kimmy]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.
They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.


' Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches too, I'm also starting to get feathers down there!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said...

'Oh, my Goodness, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS'

[banger]

[Kimmy]

FACT:

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.
FACT:

58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT:

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT:

1 old timer is reading emails.





You hang in there sunshine.......

[Kimmy]

A way with words.



'Stewardesses'

is the longest word typed with only the left hand

and 'lollipop'
is the longest word typed with your right hand .
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple .



'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt' .
(Are you doubting this one?)


Our eyes are always the same size from birth,

but our nose and ears


never stop growing .

The sentence:
'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog'
uses every letter of the alphabet .
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)



The words 'racecar'
'kayak'
and 'level'
are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left (palindromes) .
(Yep, I knew you were going to do this one . )

There are only four words in the English
language which end in 'dous':
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous,
and hazardous .
(You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language
that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious ' .(Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word
that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard .
(All you typists are going to test this out . . right?)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear .



A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds .
(Some days my memory span is not that long . )


A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second .


A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes .

A snail can sleep for three years .
(I know some people that could do this, too!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family .

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain .
(I know some people like that, also . )

Babies are born without kneecaps .
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age .

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon .



In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated .



If the population of China walked past you,
8 abreast, the line would never end because
of the rate of reproduction .


Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors .



Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated .

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing .

The cruise liner, QE 2,

moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns .

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket .
(Good thing he did that . )

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls


froze completely solid .

There are more chickens than people in the world .

Winston Churchill

was born in a ladies' room during a dance .

Women blink nearly twice as much as men .

Now you know more than you did before!!



They say if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle .
I am passing this on, because I thought it was really pretty and besides, who couldn't use a miracle?

[banger]

If there’s anything that makes us aware of a miracle it is our deep need. Only those who know their need are able to see the miracles that are around them every moment of every day.

And if you think this is a joke then that's miracle number one
It should really be on Food For Thought

[Kimmy]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish

[Kimmy]

Beware of this latest scam....

This is serious. Please BEWARE! Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.

Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco on the other side of town. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, and you know what while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen Jan. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also Feb. 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend, so Be Warned!

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each.

[Kimmy]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Nofinepix]

One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilor from Newcastle, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.



HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up a terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'


'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

[Kimmy]

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.

"Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

[Kimmy]

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational....

the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

[BC]

Mar 21, 2009 11:29:46 GMT Kimmy said:

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational....

the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

[Kimmy]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large, plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.


'Ma'am, there are £20 bills falling out of your bag.'


'Oh, darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!'


'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his willie through the bushes, I say, £20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. 'OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

[Kimmy]

A woman and a baby waited in the doctor's examining room, waiting for him to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and commented the baby wasn't gaining enough weight. He then asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma ... but I'm glad I came."

[Kimmy]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

[Kimmy]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day.

Upon completion of the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!!!"

[Kimmy]

My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.

[Kimmy]

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

GERT: Holy smoke, What's that?
MABEL: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

GERT: Where did you get it?
MABEL: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Gert hobbles into the local drugstore and tells the pharmacist that she needs a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, almost 90 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Gert answers, "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted

[Kimmy]

“I think my sexpiration
date has expired!”

[Kimmy]