Adult Jokes

[BC]

Paddy is on his final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrent.
He has only one life-line left: 'phone a friend'.
Chris asks "Which bird does not make a nest? Is it a sparrow; a swallow; a blackbird; or a cuckoo?"
Paddy calls Murphy.
Murphy says "Be Jesus it's a cuckoo, 100%".
Paddy wins the million.
Afterwards, Paddy rings Murphy "How the feck did you know that?"
Murphy says "Well Paddy, yer thick git, it lives in a fecking clock".

[Kimmy]

I think we should stop daylight savings time. Every time the clocks go back, for the next week I get my morning erection standing at the bus stop until my body clock adjusts, people think I'm a pervert."

[Kimmy]

The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laying on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her f*nny and then licking it.

“Steady love” I said “you’ll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road”.

[BC]

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch".

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed."

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”

"Yes I have" says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?”

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen".

[BC]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much" he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Kimmy]

I had the police knocking on my door earlier...

"We are going to have to ask you to take your Christmas decorations down, sir, as the Muslim family across the road find them very offensive."

"Horse sh*t. Why should I?," I said, "We celebrate Christmas here, so if they don't like it, they can **** off back to whatever **** hole they came from."

"That's your opinion, sir - and we respect that. Just make sure you put them up on your own house next time..." he replied.

[Kimmy]

The spoon.
> A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very
> Impressive!
> Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, " Steve's Place, "
> and
> noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
> pocket.
> It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and
> utensils,
> I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
> Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
> pockets.
> When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
> 'Well, 'he explained, the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
> revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they
> concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
> represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
> If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips
> back
> to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
> As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his
> spare.
> 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an
> extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
> I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
> Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had thesame string hanging
> from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse
> me,
> but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
> 'O h, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so
> observant.
> That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the
> restroom , by tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can
> pull
> it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
> shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
> I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
> 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon'
>

[Kimmy]

What a weekend! Broke my record for continual sex, 1hour and 2min . . . . . then realised the f*cking clocks had gone forward !!

[Kimmy]