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Post by BC on Apr 2, 2020 19:18:23 GMT
Police car had its wheels stolen. Cops are now working tirelessly to nab the suspects.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 3, 2020 11:02:09 GMT
When shopping in Harrods, ensure people stay at least two meters away from you by holding a Lidl carrier bag.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 3, 2020 12:02:49 GMT
During this difficult period the neighbours have been ever so good.
I have not been asked to do anything.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 4, 2020 10:53:50 GMT
Found a wallet, and thought about handing it in and thought "Well, if I lost my wallet with two hundred and fifty pounds in it, how would I feel?" And I realised I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 5, 2020 14:38:14 GMT
Mate of mine is finding it difficult working from home.
He's a burglar.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 9, 2020 11:05:18 GMT
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
"Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.
What is it?" Saul replied enthusiastically
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 11, 2020 15:04:32 GMT
I got my son a stripper for his birthday.
My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day you turn 4.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 25, 2020 16:40:20 GMT
A woman has a saucy secret rendezvous with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend, and they make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they’re lying in bed together, the woman’s home telephone rings. As she answers, her lover listens in, only hearing her side of the conversation.
“Hello? Oh, hey… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you, too. Bye.”
She hangs up the phone and her lover looks at her curiously. “Who was that?” he asks.
“Oh,” she replies. “Just my husband. He was telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.
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Post by BC on Nov 24, 2020 14:33:08 GMT
⚽️ Wembley tickets ⚽️
🏴 England v Scotland 🏴
June 2021 Do you know anyone who might be interested? A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Scotland. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you know anyone who might be interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at Glasgow Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Chloe, she's 5'7", blonde, about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. |
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Post by Kimmy on Mar 3, 2021 19:58:20 GMT
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He was afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the car park, I realised he was right. The car park was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:…………."I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding me?” he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent………. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, …. "I will, as soon as I convince this police officer that I didn't steal your damn car!"
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Post by BC on Aug 28, 2022 15:57:40 GMT
Sad news. My obese parrot died today. Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
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Post by BC on Feb 9, 2023 21:21:40 GMT
A bus loaded with politicians skidded off the road and crashed into Old Pete's barn. It was a terrible accident. Old Pete got off his tractor and went to see the carnage, which was considerable.
After some consideration, he saw no choice but to dig a large hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked Old Pete, "What happened to the politicians?"
Old Pete told him he'd buried them.
"Good Lord, were they all dead?" the sheriff asked.
Old Pete said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know, you never can trust a politician."
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