Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[banger]

[banger]

[banger]

They invented the three-day bank holiday weekend because you can't lump all the bad weather into just Saturday and Sunday.

[Kimmy]

MALE .VS. FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through Cash machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender..'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6 Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
most of this part
is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Apply handbrake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call
them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access
to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary
with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in debit note book
and place receipt in back of note book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release handbrake

[liz]

Not true of me, of course, but its hilarious.

Good idea to have this section for the more light-hearted
jokes.

[banger]

She tells the complaining irate male driver behind "Well my husband learnt me!"

[banger]

[Kimmy]

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...














"That was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

[Kimmy]

[makingitslowly]

Sept 1, 2009 8:57:06 GMT Kimmy said:

I said that to my wife on her last birthday lol.Luckily she took it the right way(I did take her out for dinner).

[banger]

“When arguing with a total idiot, be very sure he isn’t doing the same.”

[banger]

RULES FOR WOMEN

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes , tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway, it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really !!!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this, Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[Kimmy]

[banger]

Police At Work (Night Shift)

[Kimmy]

[makingitslowly]

Sept 1, 2009 18:18:53 GMT banger said:

RULES FOR WOMEN

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes , tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway, it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really !!!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this, Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Priceless...

[banger]

[banger]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[banger]

[Kimmy]

A husband and wife were shopping at a supermarket. The husband grabbed a £20 tray of Heineken beer and went to put it in the trolley.
"Put that back, we can't afford it," said the wife.
In the next aisle, the wife grabbed a £40 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley.
"What are you doing? We can't afford that," said the husband.
"But it makes me look beautiful," says the wife.
"So does the beer," said the husband, "and it's half the price!"

[Kimmy]

Police have arrested a man for selling pills that will give you eternal youth. Records show that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested.

The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

[Kimmy]

[banger]

Homers X-Ray

[Kimmy]

The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man's oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked "How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that?"
The old man whispered back, "Easy. I told her I was 90!"

[banger]

Ten Public Servants
Ten public servants standing in a line,
One of them was downsized - then there were nine.

Nine public servants who must negotiate,
One joined the union - then there were eight.

Eight public servants thought they were in heaven,
'Til one of them was redeployed - then there were seven.

Seven public servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,
But one was reclassified - then there were six.

Six public servants trying to survive,
One of them was privatized - then there were five.

Five public servants ready to give more,
But one golden handshake reduced them to four.

Four public servants full of loyalty,
Their jobs were all advertised - then there were three.

Three public servants under review,
One left on secondment - then there were two.

Two public servants coping on the run,
One went on stress leave - then there was one.

The last public servant agreed to relocate,
Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos

[Kimmy]

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.

[banger]

Way To Go