Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[Kimmy]

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.


"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.


"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive."

[Kimmy]

Will I Live to 80? (Here's something to think about).
I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.(I am 66).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said . . .. .
She looked at me and said . . . . 'Then, why do you even give a xxxx ?!?!?!?!

[Kimmy]

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGANPARK SECONDARY SCHOOL.

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH’

[Kimmy]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff …... about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes,
and it won't matter to you, how about we have sex before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump ……...

[Kimmy]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line.

[Kimmy]

LONG BUT WORTH A READ.

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

[Kimmy]

I'm suspicious of obituaries. It sure is strange how all those people died in alphabetical order.

[Kimmy]

For a laugh, next time you go into a supermarket to get loads of booze and fags get a packet of nappies as well.

When the cashier tells you how much it is, tell her you don't have enough...........and put the nappies back.

[Kimmy]

Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today. The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

[Kimmy]

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of
their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After
they
crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."


The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from
God!"


The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break.
Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our
good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.


The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and
then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately
put the cap back on and handed it back to the man.


The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"


She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."


Adam ate the apple, too!
Men will never learn!

[Kimmy]

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended
up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had
TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even
had full medical and dental coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.

"No, no. I just got out of prison."

[BC]

Oct 16, 2017 15:35:39 GMT Kimmy said:

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended
up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had
TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even
had full medical and dental coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.

"No, no. I just got out of prison."

Sad but true.

[Kimmy]

As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused", then I realised I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

[Kimmy]

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way.

I think, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.

[Kimmy]

I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.
"Come on, you stupid ****!" I shouted. "Get a xxxxxxx move on!"
She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me.

[Kimmy]

Man walks into a pub. The pub's dead. Not a soul in there. He orders a pint and the Landlord sighs, gets up, pours him a beer then sits down and puts his head back in his hands.
'Hard times?' says the fella.
'God yeh' says the landlord. Bought the pub a few weeks back and I'm nearly bankrupt already. Tried it all. Quiz nights, bands, buy one get one free. The lot. No matter what I try I cant get a customer. I'm at my wits end. If it carries on like this I'm finished.'

Your man has a think and says, 'Calm down I'll be back in an hour.'

Sure enough an hour later your man walks back in and he has a tin under one arm and a duck under the other.
The Landlord looks bewildered.
'Watch' say the fella.

He puts the tin on the bar and then put the duck on the tin. Lo and behold the duck starts tap dancing like a good un. Little flappy feet going like the clappers.

'thats amazing!' says the Landlord.

'Just put him in the window and Ill be back in a week' says your man.

Sure enough. a week later the fella walks by the pub but now its a different place. It's packed to the rafters, theres 100s in there. Beer flying around and all come to see the amazing tap dancing duck. Pushing his way through the crowds the fella finally gets to the bar. He get's the attention of the landlord. 'How's it going?' he says. 'Better?'

The landlord is white as a sheet, there's bags under his eyes and he looks like a dead man walking.
'Well' he says. First I have to thank you. You've saved my business.I owe you everything.'

'Well, what's the problem?'

'I haven't slept for a week! The beer is selling, business is good but I'm at my wits end. The Mrs has left me, I haven't slept for 6 nights now. I can't stop the bloody duck tap dancing. All day. All Night. Every Night. Tap tap tap tap bloody tap. It's killing me. It's torture.'

'Oh sh*t.' says the fella. 'I forgot to tell you how to make him stop.'

He picks the duck up, puts it under one arm, picks the tin up, takes the lid off the tin and blows out the candle.

[Kimmy]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not
be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand
to help him out on the ranch, knowing that nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom replied with pride, 'She's fine and she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate Saskatchewan old guys.

[Kimmy]

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."








The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.


And how about you, Sarah ?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore"

[Kimmy]

About this time of the year, older UK citizens will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will give to British pensioners

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland and Luxembourg

*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein

*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Switzerland.

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan
or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.

* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you buy a luxury car it will go to Italy or Germany

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales

2. Going to night clubs

3. Spending it on call girls

4. Buying cider, beer or scotch

5. Getting yourself a Tattoo

6. Visiting a bookie

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)

Conclusion:

Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day and night! It's the patriotic thing to do.

No need to thank me... Just glad I could be of help.

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

Wife; "will you still love me when I'm fat and ugly?"

Me; "You know I do"

[Kimmy]

A waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?"
I shouted "Hell, I know the whole alphabet"
Everyone laughed..
Well everyone except this one guy

[Kimmy]

How Long is a Chinese name.

[Kimmy]

It is my sad duty to report the death of my grandad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice.

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences

[Kimmy]

Saw the wife at the bank today, not good news. I was hoping she'd wash further downriver.

[Kimmy]

I've just sold my homing pigeons on eBay for the 17th time!

[Kimmy]

I opened my electric bill at the same time I opened my water bill.

Needless to say, I was shocked!

[Kimmy]

After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night after our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 3 months before she would have sex with me. I told her I totally understood and respected her decision and that I'd ring her again nearer that time.

[Kimmy]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the UK's third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a burqa.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed.
UK Government tells the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat..

Britain now has ten universities of Political Correctness.
Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time.
Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No one responds.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights.
Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.

[Kimmy]

A man with a stutter goes to see his Doctor.

"Is the stutter getting better with those exercises I gave you?" asks the doctor.

"It's b-b-better. All my dad calls me D-D-Donkey" the man replies.

"Why does he call you Donkey?" asks the doctor.

"No idea, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."