|
|
Post by Kimmy on Feb 14, 2017 21:55:08 GMT
Bought the wife a bag and a belt for valentines.
That Hoover works like a dream now.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Feb 21, 2017 9:22:52 GMT
A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day
The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said,
“Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.” Donald replied,
“Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked,
“What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets
at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”
Donald is soon moving into the White House.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Feb 22, 2017 16:26:29 GMT
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
5. After you feel confident at that level, place one potato in each bag.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 7, 2017 10:24:55 GMT
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes more difficult for them to maintain the same standard of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman. My name is George, let me relate how I handled the situation with my over-sensitive wife Mildred. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Mildred to take on an extra job to generate the extra income that we need.
Shortly after she started the job I began to notice how she was showing her age. I now get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she always says she needs to rest for half an hour before making dinner. I don't shout at her, I just tell her to take her time and wake me up when dinner is on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub, so eating out again is unacceptable; I'm ready for home cooking when I get in.
She used to do the dishes when we finished eating, but now she leaves them lying around for several hours. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her every few minutes that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this as she usually washes them before bedtime.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example she complains that she has not enough time in her lunch hour to do all the shopping. I smile, and suggest that she spreads the shopping over 2 or 3 days, and that it wouldn't do her any harm to skip lunch completely once in a while. Tact is one of my strong points.
I know I look like a saint in the way I support Mildred. Showing this much consideration is not easy. Many men will find it difficult - some will find it impossible. However, if you show a little more tact and diplomacy towards your ageing wife as a result of reading this, I will consider writing it was well worthwhile.
EDITORS NOTE:
George died last week, he was found with a 24 inch Stanley screwdriver stuck up his @rse with only 2 inches protruding. His wife Mildred was arrested, but an all female jury accepted her defence that he had accidentally sat on it.
|
|
|
|
Post by BC on Mar 7, 2017 21:13:28 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 10, 2017 11:35:14 GMT
A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.
He says to the landlord "That must be one clever dog"
"Not really" said the landlord, "Every time he gets a good hand his tail starts wagging"
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 18, 2017 19:29:36 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 18, 2017 19:31:56 GMT
If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care,
but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do? You may opt for Medicare Part G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head,
central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem.
Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.
And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?
Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 18, 2017 19:36:02 GMT
Husband & wife... Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today? Husband : First make it, we will name it later A frustrated husband in front of his laptop : Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife.. Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting. A married man's prayer : Dear God, You gave me childhood, you took it away. You gave me youth, you took it away. You gave me a wife ... It’s been years now, just reminding you. A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him whilst his friend just sits and listens in: "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home?" Husband answers: "Because he's thinking of getting married" Employee: Sir, You are like a lion in the office! What about at home  Boss : I am a lion at home too, but there we have a lion tamer !!! A couple were having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat." Wife: Honey ... you say a prayer before eating at home! Husband: That's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook! Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt : "Please Do Not Disturb Me, I am Married and already very Disturbed" |
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 28, 2017 19:04:40 GMT
I went shopping in Waitrose today to get a few bottles of champagne and some caviar. Whilst in there I slipped and fell flat on my back. A woman who passing looked down at me and asked me if I had fallen. I told her I hadn't and that I was just trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.  |
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Mar 30, 2017 18:10:08 GMT
If this retractable tape measure snaps back & cuts my hand just one more time, I may be forced to stand up & get the remote control myself.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 14, 2017 9:14:34 GMT
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 14, 2017 9:15:06 GMT
Strange beer to the left of me, cheap biscuits to the right.
Here I am, stuck in the Lidl with you!
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 14, 2017 9:15:34 GMT
Ha – Mildly amusing
Haha – Funny
Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – Stayin alive
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 25, 2017 20:32:57 GMT
I've just been teaching my son how to skim a stone across the water.
As a result we're now barred from the swimming baths.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 25, 2017 20:33:51 GMT
Couldn't believe it... I went to the gym and some idiot put a bottle of water in the hole where Pringles go on the treadmill.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 25, 2017 20:34:58 GMT
My wife crashed her car into a guy at lunchtime today. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking beer from a can.
The police said he was entitled to do whatever he wanted to in his own conservatory.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 25, 2017 20:36:58 GMT
My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.
I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?"
"What, in case I mess myself?" She replied.
"No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't open."
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 27, 2017 16:09:49 GMT
Here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles....
** Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
** Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
** Cancel one pint after the day after today.
** Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
** Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
** Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
**Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
** When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
**Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
** My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
**Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
** Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
**Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
** From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
**My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
** Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday..
**Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS Don't leave any milk.
** No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Apr 27, 2017 16:20:25 GMT
Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on May 7, 2017 8:20:48 GMT
Cost me a fortune this week, my Facebook went down so I had to phone everyone to see what they were having for tea.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on May 7, 2017 8:21:26 GMT
Just got a birthday card, opened it and rice went everywhere!!
It was from Uncle Ben!
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on May 19, 2017 18:15:04 GMT
The worlds fastest burglar finally appeared in court today.
Pakistani born, Amin Amout was sentenced to three years in prison for theft.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Jun 7, 2017 18:14:49 GMT
sat next to a bloke in doctors
he had fried egg running down his face mushy peas
in one ear chip hanging out of his nose.i said whats
up with you he said ime not eating properly.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Jun 8, 2017 10:40:24 GMT
Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn't happy about it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Jun 8, 2017 10:41:07 GMT
I hate voting in elections. It makes me cross.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Jun 10, 2017 19:45:10 GMT
I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Jun 11, 2017 13:27:41 GMT
Just been to the gym for the first time in years. I was sweating profusely, the trainer came over and said "You're terribly unfit". I said, "To be fair, it is a long application form".
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Jun 12, 2017 7:02:26 GMT
The real reason that Diane Abbott kept a low profile
during the last few weeks , pretending to be ill .
She had spent all night queuing up at KFC for their latest
"Bargain Bucket" offer -
4 for the price of 5 .
|
|
|
|
Post by Kimmy on Jul 22, 2017 12:55:30 GMT
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
|
|
