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Post by Kimmy on Sept 25, 2018 18:34:17 GMT
I remember when I took my son to the pub for the first time
I bought him a pint of bitter, he didn't like it so I drank it, I bought him a pint of lager, same thing,cider same thing, alcopops, same thing.
I bought him the full selection of spirits,he didn't like any of them so I had to finish them off, so we finally went home.
How I got that pushchair home I'll never know.
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 15, 2018 9:53:55 GMT
The man who invented the word search has died his funeral is...
T T I S P V G K M P
H J G U O N Q U X
N M O N D A Y S Z
B A T K T E N O P G
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Post by Kimmy on Dec 11, 2018 21:24:48 GMT
West Bromwich Albion have had to turn down a lucrative shirt sponsorship deal from a pet food company. The irony of having ‘Winalot’ on their chest was too much for them.
I'll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride. She keeps leaving the toilet seat up
Just found out my uncle has left me a stately home in his will. I have no idea where Sod Hall is, I'm just off to Google it now
I got a new job with the Samaritans last week. I tried to phone in sick this morning but they talked me out of it!
If I was a plastic surgeon... I would definitely put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.
When my wife suggested we try playing doctors and nurses. I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for two days!
I said to my wife over breakfast "Were you faking it last night?" She said "No, I really was asleep!"
After my prostate examination the doctor left, then the nurse came in & whispered 3 words that no man wants to hear "who was that?"
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Post by Kimmy on Dec 25, 2018 8:15:45 GMT
On the stroke of midnight the clock struck 12 times heralding the arrival of Christmas morning.
In the dark, a rotund figure crept into the children's bedroom carrying a sack bulging with toys, moonlight picked out rosy cheeks and glinted off a face full of whiskers.
Bless her, the missus isn't much to look at but she's great with the kids!
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Post by BC on Jan 10, 2019 21:30:03 GMT
A gambler goes into a butcher's shop. He says "I bet you £50 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf".
The butcher replies. "No, I won't take you on - the stakes are too high".
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Post by Kimmy on Jan 17, 2019 18:55:38 GMT
My Grandad always said, “as one door closes, another opens”,
lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 5, 2019 17:03:20 GMT
Company Memo. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director. TO: All Employees. DATE: November 1, 2017. RE: Christmas Party. I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash deposit for the bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional Christmas Carols, feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus.! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees.! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time.! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty. Company Memo. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director. TO: All Employees. DATE: November 2, 2017. RE: Holiday Party. In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Are you happy now.? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty. Company Memo. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director. TO: All Employees. DATE: November 3, 2017. RE: Holiday Party. Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate you for this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only,’ you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. So how am I supposed to handle this.? Somebody.? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little stingy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Patty. Company Memo. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director. To: All Employees. DATE: November 4, 2017. RE: Generic Holiday Party. What a diverse group we are.! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party.! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our ‘Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little aluminum foil doggy bag. Will that work.? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, and each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing to be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. ‘Sorry.’ We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh ‘low sugar’ fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply ‘no sugar’ desserts. ‘Sorry!’ Did I miss anything.  Patty. Company Memo. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director. TO: All xxxxxxx Employees. DATE: November 5, 2017. RE: The F!!ing Holiday Party. I've had it with you vegetarian pricks.! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you assholes like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death,’ as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f!!ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But do you know that tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream ‘RIGHT F!!ING NOW!’ The rest of you perishing wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday.! Drive drunk and die. Patty. Company Memo FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director. DATE: November 6, 2017. RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party. I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Hospital. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. So ‘F!! the lot of You and Happy Whatever.!’ Joan |
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Post by BC on Feb 7, 2019 17:38:50 GMT
I got a call from the police station today, telling me they want to interview me. It's strange, because I don't remember applying for a job there.  |
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 15, 2019 17:20:12 GMT
Its a well known fact that women never answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings
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Post by BC on Mar 6, 2019 22:30:33 GMT
Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500!" she cried,"£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500."
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Post by BC on Mar 8, 2019 16:24:05 GMT
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15
A chicken pie in The Bahamas costs £2.10
A chicken pie in Antigua costs £2.30
A chicken pie in Barbados costs £2.55
A chicken pie in Dominica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Granada costs £2.20
A chicken pie in St Lucia costs £2.25
A chicken pie in St Vincent costs £2.45
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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Post by BC on Apr 18, 2019 10:34:34 GMT
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Post by BC on Apr 28, 2019 23:33:29 GMT
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Post by BC on May 1, 2019 11:57:40 GMT
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.
I'M LIVID.
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Post by BC on May 15, 2019 22:14:31 GMT
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Post by BC on Jun 8, 2019 12:40:09 GMT
I picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me if i wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?
I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car by chance made that highly unlikely.
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Post by BC on Jun 12, 2019 13:29:51 GMT
Old Mr. Smith: "Well Doc, I have a problem. I have a sh1t at 8 o'clock every single morning, regular as clockwork."
Doctor: "That's excellent Mr. Smith. So what seems to be troubling you?"
Old Mr. Smith: "I don't wake up 'til 9 o'clock."
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Post by Kimmy on Jul 28, 2019 12:40:35 GMT
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into the field on the other side of the fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What’s the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Post by BC on Jul 29, 2019 22:10:55 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 13, 2019 8:50:13 GMT
Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,
And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"
Barbara always replied,
"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"
One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Barbara replied,
"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "
Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!"
Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out,
But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!"
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Post by BC on Nov 20, 2019 14:20:27 GMT
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Post by BC on Dec 7, 2019 1:04:44 GMT
As the year comes to an end, I urge you to take care of yourself and avoid accidents because spare parts for old models like you are no longer in stock!
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Post by BC on Feb 3, 2020 16:22:32 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 20, 2020 19:39:51 GMT
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?'
The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?'
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied........ 'My wife's first husband.'
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 20, 2020 19:40:36 GMT
Over heard in the Pub last night...
One woman said to another,.......
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 1, 2020 8:21:40 GMT
After isolation.
"Where's your wife?"
"In the garden."
" I didn't see her."
"You have to dig a little."
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 2, 2020 10:43:49 GMT
Last Thursday night I put my bin out at 8pm and all the neighbours stood on their doorsteps clapping. Cheeky xxxxxxxx.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 2, 2020 11:46:19 GMT
While we have this lockdown b*llocks going on my missus said she'd introduce me to some new board games. I have to be honest though, the pasting board, ironing board and draining board games she tried to show me all looked a bit sh*t.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 2, 2020 11:47:59 GMT
Knocked on my 89 yr old neighbour, she's a lovely old woman I asked if she was in need of shopping, she said yes so I gave her my list as well. No point in both of us going out under this self isolating.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 2, 2020 11:48:30 GMT
Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.
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