Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[Kimmy]

The Importance of Accuracy in your Tax Return.

HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, Do you have anyone dependent on you? The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 600+ idiots in Parliament and the entire European Commission".
The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

[Kimmy]

Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife.
The judge asks "Why do you keep beating her?"
Paddy replies "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior foot work."

[Kimmy]

I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.
The wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."
I said, "What about the time you threatened to leave."

[Kimmy]

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play stereo music in women's breast implants.

The iTit, will cost between $499 and $699, depending on ‘speaker size’.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Kimmy]

Tescos are selling off the latest Samsung 65" curved TVs for only £50, just because theres a fault with the volume button.

But at that price, you just can't turn it down.

[Kimmy]

My review after my computer got stuck on a website with the following message.

"Your windows (Microsoft) computer has been blocked
Windows System Alert!.
System has been infected due to unexpected error! Please contact Microsoft Support 0-800-011-9634 immediately to unblock your computer."

Well what a jolly helpful chap on the other end of the phone, he wanted to know all about me and was in no rush to fix the problem.
I wish all call centres had polite staff like this ,not only did he take interest in me personally but he was also an expert in the financial sector and took all my banking details to see if I was due a tax rebate. He then unlocked my computer like magic.

Great job Microsoft call centre, 10 -10 for customer services!

[Kimmy]

To others of my generation who still do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook even exists, maybe try the following, like I'm doing.

Here's what I'm doing to gain better understanding:

I am trying to make new friends without using Facebook, but while applying the same principles.

Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dead dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, or fixing things, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, then give them the "THUMBS UP" and tell them I like them...

...and it works!

I already have four people following me:

Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist

[Kimmy]

WARMING !!!!!

Iff you get a link called "free midget porn" don'te open it?!!~*

It is a birus wich deactivate you spellcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.
warn al'l you vriends !!!

[Kimmy]

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

[Kimmy]

Two golfers on the 16th green which runs adjacent to the main road. First golfer is lining up a putt when he notices a funeral cartage passing. He immediately stops, stands up straight and takes off his cap and stands in silence as it passes. The second golfer feels obliged to do the same and does. When the cartage passes out of sight, the second golfer says, "That was very decent of you mate taking the time to do that". "It was the least I could do", replies the first golfer, "I`ve been married to her for forty years"!

[Kimmy]

Trainer in paddock at Ascot where he is running a horse owned by Lord Rosebery. He takes a white pill out his pocket and gives it to the horse. Unknowing to the trainer, Lord Rosebery is approaching behind him and sees everything. Being a stalwart of the Jockey Club, Lord Rosebery is absolutely fuming and rightly so.

"What do you think you are doing giving my horse dope", he yells at the trainer.

The startled trainer turns around. "No your Lordship, you have got it all wrong", he replies. "It`s just a peppermint, the old boy loves them". Fidgeting in his pocket, he then pulls out another two white pills. "Here you have one and I`ll have the other".

Lord Rosebery shoves it in his mouth and begins to blush. "I`m very sorry. Please accept my sincere apologies".

"No problem your Lordship, we all make mistakes", says the trainer.

Lord Rosebery leaves for the grandstand and the trainer legs up the jockey and gives him his instructions.

"Drop him in behind the leaders and approaching the 2f pole, pull him out and he`ll storm to the front ......... and don`t worry if anything passes you, it`ll either be me or Lord Rosebery"!

[Kimmy]

A man called Simon goes on "Stars in Their Eyes" and Matthew Kelly notices he's in a wheelchair.

Matthew asks, "What happened?"

"I was in a car crash with my uncle. He died and I had to have my legs amputated. But they saved my uncle's legs and grafted them onto me. In six months' time I will be able to walk again"

"That's amazing!" says Matthew. "Who are you going to be for us tonight then?"

"Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be.......Simon and half uncle!"

[Kimmy]

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least." I said.

"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.

[Kimmy]

Primary school erects 10ft fence to stop crime wave"
It may stop it during school hours, but once they let the little bastards out at four o'clock, the vandalism, shoplifting and mugging start all over again.

[Kimmy]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[Kimmy]

i text my mate today-"dave the weathers amazing,its just like being abroad but with more foreigners"

[Kimmy]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a university in Moscow to have a chat with the students.
He talks to them about how powerful a nation Russia is and how he wants the best for all the people.
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions. Sasha puts her hand up and says:
"I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea ? and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?"
Putin says:
"Good question".
But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the students go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says:
"I have four questions"
"My Questions are -
Why did the Russians invade Crimea ?
Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?
Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early?
And where is Sasha?".

[Kimmy]

Subject: Fw: FW: Children in Church.

"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"





Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"




The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.
My mom is a good cook."





A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago"
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

[Kimmy]

Just letting you know that the book, Understanding Women is now out in paperback.

[BC]

World Cup odds:

England are now 12/1 for the World Cup. For those of you that don't understand betting:
if you bet £10 on England at 12/1, you'll lose £10.

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands.

He told them to try to forgive them, then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety five," she replied.

"Mrs. Johnson, please come up to the altar and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered up to the altar and said into the microphone, "I outlived every one of them.

[Kimmy]

The women's trophy for winning Wimbledon is just a plate, thats just to remind them what they should be doing instead of playing tennis.

[Kimmy]

I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting pissed off.
It keeps asking me, ‘Where do you want to go?’
So I click on the icon that says ‘Home’ and then it makes me start again.

[BC]

Jul 6, 2018 7:22:33 GMT Kimmy said:

The women's trophy for winning Wimbledon is just a plate, thats just to remind them what they should be doing instead of playing tennis.

I'm the head of the house and at my wedding speech, I made that perfectly plain. I said:

"If I want to do the hoovering before I do the washing up, don't try to interfere with my plans".

[Kimmy]

Bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed and there were no survivors.Each husband cried for a week,but one husband was still crying after 2 weeks.
When asked why he was still crying he replied miserably " My wife missed the bus."

[Kimmy]

Two blokes are in hospital,laid in beds waiting to go into theatre
One says to the other "What you in for"?
The other replies "Endoscopy"
"What's that then"? the first bloke asks.
"They'll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers, what you in for"? replies the second bloke.
"Camera up my jacksy" says the first bloke.
"Do you mean a Colonoscopy"? says the second bloke
"Nah", says the first bloke,"The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden"

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the barman said....

" Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible. "

" What do you mean? " said the pirate, "I feel fine."

" What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before. "

" Well ," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The barman replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

" What about that eye patch? "

" Oh, " said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

" You're kidding, " said the barman. "Can you lose an eye just from bird poop?"

" It was my first day with the hook. "

[Kimmy]

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."



Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed