Adult Jokes

[makingitslowly]

Jun 15, 2009 7:25:41 GMT Kimmy said:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
> this true?
>
> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't
> waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
> your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
> extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
> Take a nap.
>
> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
>
> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
> and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
> than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
> Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
> (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
> recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
>
> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
>
> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
> that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
> more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
> up!
>
> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>
> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
> If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
>
> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
> exercise program?
>
> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
> Pain...Good!
>
> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>
> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in
> vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
> more vegetables be bad for you?
>
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
> middle?
>
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
> should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
>
> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>
> A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
> best feel-good food around!
>
> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
>
> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
>
> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
>
> A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
>
> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
> about food and diets.
>
> And remember:
>
> 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
> arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
> skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in
> the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO
> HOO, What a Ride'
>
> AND.....
>
> For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
> nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
> conflicting nutritional studies.
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
> than Americans.
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
> fats and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
> CONCLUSION
>
> Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
> what kills you.

Absolute class...............

[banger]

Abbott and Costello Buy A Computer
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?


COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.


ABBOTT: Your computer?


COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.


ABBOTT: What about Windows?


COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?


ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?


COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?


ABBOTT: Wallpaper.


COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.


ABBOTT: Software for Windows?


COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you
have?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?


ABBOTT: I just did.


COSTELLO: You just did what?


ABBOTT: Recommend something.


COSTELLO: You recommended something?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: For my office?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!


ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.


COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


ABBOTT: Word.


COSTELLO: What word?


ABBOTT: Word in Office.


COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.


ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?


ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".


COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
straight answers! What about financial. You have anything I can track my
money?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?


ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.


COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?


ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.


COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?


ABBOTT: One copy.


COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?


ABBOTT: Microsof t gave us a license to copy Money.


COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


A few days later . . . . . . .


ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?


COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?


ABBOTT: Click on "START" !!!!!

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

A little boy walks into his parents' room only to see his mom on top of his dad, bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son's reflection in the mirror as he flees the room and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.

In a panic, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son, hiding out in his bedroom, asks his mom, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'

'You're wasting your time,' says the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asks, puzzled.

'Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

[Kimmy]

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not

Determine who is right, war determine who is

Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put

Husband in doghouse soon find him in

Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in

Glass house should change clothes in

Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[BC]

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on
his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes
he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut
short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and
liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the
Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We
had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend
fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we
started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a
hole in the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7
times.

[Kimmy]

One day, Jimmy Jones
> was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba
> driving a brand new pickup.


> Bubba pulled up to him
> with a wide grin.


> 'Bubba, where'd you git that truck?'


> 'Tammie give it to me,' Bubba replied.
>
> 'She give it to ya?
> I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'
>
> 'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
> We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
> Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
>
> 'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
>
> So I took the truck!'


>
>
> TAMMIE
>

'Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit ya!'

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

Dear Dr. Ruth.

[Kimmy]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her fanny.

The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my pussy!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out. The doctor said "OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow it out."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, slipped it into young lady. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". So the doctor went deeper and deeper.

After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed

The young lady began to quiver with excitemet, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you’re doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied "Change of plan, I’m gonna drown the bastard!!"

[Kimmy]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[Kimmy]

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer.

The mice answered, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

[Kimmy]

Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality
by William A. Morton, Jr.

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She
directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other
than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles."
The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and
had little to say as he gingerly opened histrousers to expose a bit of
angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to
leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two
or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum,
which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender.
A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left
scrotum. Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw
somehalf-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they
were. Several days earlier, he said, he had injured himself in
the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself
with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of
the type used in putting up wallboard.

We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the
hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial
therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.
The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of
the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges
were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing.
The stump of thespermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided,
and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present.
Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the
skin was loosely closed. Convalescence was uneventful, and before his
release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided
the rest of his story to me.

An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunch time
with his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice
of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large
floor-based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost
his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum became
caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the
air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis,
and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and
resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-
gratification.

[William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester,
Pennsylvania.]

[Kimmy]

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”

“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

[Kimmy]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The
bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop
of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try
the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned
to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six
drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the
little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the Tax Office."

[Kimmy]

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!”
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”

“Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

“What?” she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”

[Kimmy]

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.



On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.



They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?



George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''



''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''



George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

[Kimmy]

Wife up in front of the judge. Judge: How many peaches were in the tin you stole from Tesco's?

Wife: Six your honour.

Judge: Right a month for each peach, you will go to prison for six months.

Husband at the back of the court: Your Honour, she also stole a large tin of peas.

[Kimmy]

Subject: FW: Letter from Gordon Brown


10 Downing Street


London SW1








Dear People of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50
years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as
RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for
the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).


Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once,
SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED
or SCREWED any further by the government..

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much xxxx
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible.. The government has always
prided itself in the amount of xxxx it gives out. Should you feel that you
do not receive enough xxxx, please bring this to the attention of your local
MP. They have been trained to give you all the xxxx you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown

[Kimmy]

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director : How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'



'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'



'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

[Kimmy]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[makingitslowly]

Starting the day off with a giggle.

Cheers.

[Kimmy]

What is Old?
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"


"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.



"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



"OLD" IS WHEN...... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.


"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.


"OLD" IS WHEN...... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

[makingitslowly]

This NEEDS to be a forum signature lol.

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

The Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber re volver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone wait ing there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole e! vent was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded ! cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattl e street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!***

[Kimmy]

I was in the bar last night chatting up this girl when a another girl walked past who I had been out with last week. She said to the girl "Don't bother with him. Hes only got a little one." I replied "It might be little but it can fill a pram."

[Kimmy]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.

On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'