Adult Jokes

[makingitslowly]

ROFLMAO.

[Kimmy]

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.. He asked, 'What are all those
clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been
on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told Only two lies in his entire
life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

[Kimmy]

Jim died.

His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure
Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but £40,000?'

Sharonanswered, 'The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '£32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'

[Kimmy]

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

[makingitslowly]

The Preacher's Horse A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's Ass shows" The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass" This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best Ass in Town" The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks" They buried the Bishop the next day.

[Kimmy]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the
elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No probl em', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[makingitslowly]

Chief Steward (thanks to Basil Bean) It was a typical bush race meeting, the difference was that there was a new Chief Steward on the job, a man who'd officiated at major city tracks and everyone was waiting to see what would happen at his first race meeting. One of the local trainers was in the mounting yard and the steward saw him slip something into his horse's mouth so he rushed over and demanded to know what it was. The trainer replied, in his best outback drawl " Well, yer see, 'e likes 'is bit a sugar , so I always give him a cube just before 'e races. 'ere ,I'll 'ave one just to show that there's nothin' in it." and he swallowed one. The Steward wasn't convinced so demanded that he be given one so that he could see if there was anything amiss with the supposedly innocent sugar cube. He swallowed it and walked away muttering to himself "Bloody bush bandits- thinking that they could put one over me" As the trainer is legging the jockey up he gave him very clear instructions- "Ride 'im in about fourth spot to the turn then let 'im go, and if anything passes you, don't worry, it'll only be me or the Chief Steward !"

[Kimmy]

COMPUTER PROBLEMS?

[Kimmy]

[makingitslowly]

Chapped Lips (thanks to Dick Beal ) A cowboy rode into town and pulled his horse up in front of the first saloon that he came to. He dismounted and tied the horse to the hitching rail and saw that he was being watched by a group of old-timers sitting on a bench beside the front door of the saloon. The cowboy went to the rear of the horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse. He then turned to walk into the saloon. "How come you done that cowboy?" asked one old timer. "I've got chapped lips," replied the cowboy. "Does that make em' heal up faster?" asked the old timer. "Naw," replied the cowboy. "It stops me from lickin' em and maken' em worse."

[Kimmy]

[makingitslowly]

Jun 1, 2009 7:51:09 GMT Kimmy said:

Roflmao

[Kimmy]

Hot and Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and
Chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually
Hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears

To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
Claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
First time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
Usually in January and the second time is in August."

[Kimmy]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
> 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
>
> 'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'
>
> 'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
> 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
>
> So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
>
> As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
>
> Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
>
> 'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
>
> 'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
>
> Another runner moved alongside. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
>
> 'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
>
> Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
>
> 'Nope.........just when it's raining.'

[makingitslowly]

The Romantic Race Horse The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in workouts. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"

[Kimmy]

Swearing in the workplace.

1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se- hole
5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with..
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.
7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.
8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?
9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented
Within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.
10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face
13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going
To be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

[makingitslowly]

Favourite at Cheltenham Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, the jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he goes over the last fence. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. thus distracted, he succeeds in coming only second. He immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously hampered.

[Kimmy]

Is this is just a sick coincidence ....
>
>
>
>
> 2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts
> of Asia
>
> 2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
> racing
>
> 2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of
> pigs/humans around the globe.
>
>
>
> It gets worse........
>
>
>
> Next year......
>

>
> 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
>

[Kimmy]

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded...

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs $45.00

Look on the cop's Face....... PRICELESS!

[Kimmy]

Women will like this. Show your wife.


He said . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it.
She said .. You wear pants don't you?


He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . .. 'My husband follows
me everywhere' Written just below it . ' I do not'


Q .How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A .Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.


Q. What is the difference between men and government
bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.


Q How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A.. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
A. They're married.


Man says to God: 'God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?' God says: 'So you would love her.'
But God,' the man says, 'why did you make her so
dumb?' God says: 'So she would love you.'

[Kimmy]

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms AND kept the same tagline............

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life..

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms ! - because life is complicated enough.

Halifax Condoms - Always Giving You Extra

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - 'for a longer ride go wide'

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Flash condoms - just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim !!!

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that others just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best in the world

Mars condoms - pleasure you can't measure

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - It's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the one with the hole !!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

L'Oreal condoms - because your worth it!

[makingitslowly]

Abbey National condoms ! - because life is complicated enough.

PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!

[Kimmy]

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong. Sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not?' 'You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

THE TAXMAN COMETH

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.


While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'


'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.


But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers..'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi.................

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.'

[Kimmy]

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. “It's called sexual intercourse darling”.

Little Tony said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse, its called bunk beds” and Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!”

[BC]

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend was,....... well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.

They live in clocks.'

[Kimmy]

A lady I know was size 20. She went to the Doctors who put her on the following diet. 3 meals a day. Breakfast large bowl of All Bran.
Lunch large bowl of prunes. Dinner Vindaloo curry. After a month on this diet she is now a size 0.

[Kimmy]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'



The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.



'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.



Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.



At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'



He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.



Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.



Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...





Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.



He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.



'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.



He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.



He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.



Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.



Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'





IT IS NOT OVER YET...





Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

[Kimmy]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
> this true?
>
> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't
> waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
> your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
> extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
> Take a nap.
>
> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
>
> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
> and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
> than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
> Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
> (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
> recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
>
> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
>
> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
> that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
> more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
> up!
>
> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>
> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
> If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
>
> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
> exercise program?
>
> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
> Pain...Good!
>
> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>
> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in
> vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
> more vegetables be bad for you?
>
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
> middle?
>
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
> should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
>
> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>
> A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
> best feel-good food around!
>
> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
>
> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
>
> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
>
> A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
>
> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
> about food and diets.
>
> And remember:
>
> 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
> arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
> skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in
> the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO
> HOO, What a Ride'
>
> AND.....
>
> For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
> nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
> conflicting nutritional studies.
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
> than Americans.
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
> fats and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
> CONCLUSION
>
> Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
> what kills you.