Adult Jokes

[makingitslowly]

ROFLMAO

[Kimmy]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.



*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'





********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

[banger]

Jul 12, 2009 11:24:29 GMT makingitslowly said:

ROFLMAO

Just Don't Roll Up In A Ball

[banger]

SAY CHEESE

[banger]

Prize Bull

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs. She said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one!"

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

[Kimmy]

Letters to the Landlord.

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

[Kimmy]

Aids Warning!





SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!



HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!



I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.





I love to see you smile.
Not forgetting HIV

(Hair is Vanishing)

[Kimmy]

BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!



One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.




The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

[Kimmy]

Male or Female? You might not have known this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:











FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.












PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.












TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated












HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their butt.












SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft.......squeezable and retain water.












WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.












TRAINS: Definitely male... because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.












EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.












HAMMERS: Male... because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.












THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying

[Kimmy]

New High School Exam.............!!
(Passing requires only

4 correct answers)






1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?


2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?


6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?


7) What was King George VI's first name?


8) What color is a purple finch?


9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?


10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?






Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.




Check your answers below ...

Don't cheat - go back up !






ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ






1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years


2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador


3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November


5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur


6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs


7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert


8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson


9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)






What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too.

[Kimmy]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'



So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.



A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.



'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said... He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'



'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.




'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'NO KIDDING,' He said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

[Kimmy]

Little Victoria goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them?

Mum said, 'YOU should say "no" - they only want to look at your knickers.'

Victoria said, 'I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag!!'

[Kimmy]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Kimmy]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p's in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were 20p's and this morning there were 10p's! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!' she implored. 'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

'You're simply going through the change!

[Kimmy]

> Neil Armstrong
> > ON JULY 20, 1969 , AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR
> > MODULE, NEIL
> > ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
> >
> > HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
> > 'THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR
> > MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,' WERE TELEVISED TO
> > EARTH AND HEARD BY
> > MILLIONS.
> >
> > BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE
> > ENIGMATIC REMARK 'GOOD
> > LUCK, MR.. GORSKY.'
> >
> > MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK
> > CONCERNING SOME RIVAL
> > SOVIE T COSMONAUT.
> >
> > HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE
> > RUSSIAN OR
> > AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
> >
> > OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT
> > THE 'GOOD LUCK,
> > MR. GORSKY ... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST
> > SMILED.
> >
> > ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE
> > ANSWERING QUESTIONS
> > FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26- YEAR-OLD
> > QUESTION TO
> > ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
> >
> > MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW
> > ANSWER THE
> > QUESTION.
> >
> > IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN , HE
> > WAS PLAYING
> > BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND
> > HIT THE BALL, WHICH
> > LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
> >
> > HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
> >
> > AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG
> > HEARD MRS. GORSKY
> > SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
> >
> > 'SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE
> > KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE
> > MOON!'
> >
> >
> > TRUE
> > STORY

[Kimmy]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

[Kimmy]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[Kimmy]

Subject: Moral Dilemma
>
>
>
>
>
>
> This test only has one question, but it's a very important
> one.
>
> By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you
> stand morally.
>
> The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
> situation in which you will have to make a decision.
>
> Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
> spontaneous.
>
> Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each
> line.
>
> THE SITUATION
>
> You are in England , York to be specific. There is chaos all
> around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of
> biblical proportions.
>
> You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper,
> and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is
> nearly hopeless.
>
> You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are
> houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
> Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.
>
> THE TEST
>
> Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his
> life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...
> Somehow, the man looks familiar...
>
> You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You
> notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have
> two options:
>
> 1st You can save the life of Gordon Brown
> or 2nd you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning
> photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!
>
> THE QUESTION
>
> Here's the question, and please give an honest answer. . . . . . . .
> .
>
>
>
>
> Would you select high contrast colour film,
> or
> Would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
>
>
>

[Kimmy]

MEDIA RELEASE

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.

They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for a new
zippy little car which is called the "Clitaurus".

The car comes with a pink interior and fur on the bumpers.

Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.


It's recommended as a woman's car as many men may not be able to find it, especially in the dark.

[Kimmy]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the
station, when he noticed a little girl nearby ina little
red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a
garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was
wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being
pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That
sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with
admiration.'

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a
little closer.. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's
collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to
tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie
that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably
right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'

[Kimmy]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable..


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"



He said: "Who f@cked up your hair?"

[banger]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs
------------------------------------

[Kimmy]

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the SAS. You know their reputation.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders (because no one figured a dog could be eaves-dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the SAS (8 dog years is 56 Army years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, hanging around suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
Scroll down

..
...
.

..

'Because he 's such a Liar. He never did any of that stuff'

[Kimmy]

Einstein was born on March 14, 1879. He would be 130 if he were alive today. Few people remember that this Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.










This came to be known as...



Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty

Oh, quit groaning. I don't make this stuff up, I get it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

[Kimmy]

"A Well-Planned Retirement" - reported by "The London Times":

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a hut and ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5 a time.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years.

Then, one day, he stopped turning up for work.

Bristol Zoo Management contacted the local City Council to get them to send a new parking attendant.

The Council answered that that parking lot is the Zoo's responsibility.

Bristol Zoo Management then asked is the attendant employed by the City Council or not.

The Council insisted that he was not.

We can only surmise that some laid back fellow, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain maybe, had been taking all the parking fees, estimated at about £400 per day, £12,000 per month, £144,000 per year for the last 25 years, a grand total of £3,6 million...for himself in cash!!!!

And no one even knew or knows his name!

[makingitslowly]

Aug 2, 2009 18:46:35 GMT Kimmy said:

"A Well-Planned Retirement" - reported by "The London Times":

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a hut and ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5 a time.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years.

Then, one day, he stopped turning up for work.

Bristol Zoo Management contacted the local City Council to get them to send a new parking attendant.

The Council answered that that parking lot is the Zoo's responsibility.

Bristol Zoo Management then asked is the attendant employed by the City Council or not.

The Council insisted that he was not.

We can only surmise that some laid back fellow, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain maybe, had been taking all the parking fees, estimated at about £400 per day, £12,000 per month, £144,000 per year for the last 25 years, a grand total of £3,6 million...for himself in cash!!!!

And no one even knew or knows his name!

Now that is sticking it to the man lol

[Kimmy]

For the wife.


Three Men on a Hike


Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'



Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.



After witnessing that, the second man prayed:

'God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river.'



Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.



Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'



Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[Kimmy]

The wife of the Irish jockey who had been widowed when a bus load of jockeys were killed in a crash, had to go to the morgue to identify her husband. As she pulled back the covers she said:

'That's not him!'

'That's not him!'

'That's not him!'


'Typical of Murphy, never in the first three!'

[Kimmy]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,


'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'……

[Kimmy]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.


On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander
around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an
erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and
says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you
mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule
here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me"
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his
way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He
enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a
huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, Did you
call for me?! " says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" asks the
newcomer. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called
for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a
bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted
by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.. The
man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and
you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies,
"Listen lady, I'm 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month.
I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here"