Adult Jokes

[Kimmy]

WAYS TO REJECT PICK-UP LINES

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too.
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator.
7. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"
8. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
9. Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

[Kimmy]

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice,
The Lord said.
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied;
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Kimmy]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward, SAVING him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again, and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!

[Kimmy]

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" She eagerly nods her head "yes!"

The man hands her his shirt, and he says, "Here. Iron this."

[Kimmy]

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

[Kimmy]

The young boy says to his father, "Dad, what's the difference between po-tential and re-ality?"

"Well, go ask your mother if she'd slept with the milkman for a million dollars."

The boy trots off and asks mummy, then returns to Dad. "She said yes."

Dad then says, "Now go ask your sister if she'd sleep with the milkman for a million dollars."

The boys does so and comes back. "She said she'd sleep with the milkman too. But what's the difference between potential and reality? I don't get it."

"Well, son, we've the potential of sitting on two million dollars but the reality is we're living with a couple of whores."

[Kimmy]

A young boy comes home from school one day, and on going to his room, he hears thumping and squeaking from his parents' room. He naively opens the door to see what is going on, and beholds his dad "giving it" to his mom rather vigorously. While his mom doesn't notice, his dad looks up to see him there, and gives him a big grin and a wink.

The next evening, dad comes home from work. He hears banging and squealing from his son's room. He opens the door to see what's happening, and the son is banging his own grandmother!

The son looks up to see his father standing there, and says, "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

[Kimmy]

A doctor starts having an affair with a much younger woman. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do--they won't consider abortion and don't want to put the baby up for adoption. But the doctor's not going to leave his wife, and the young woman can't stand the thought of taking care of the child alone. Several months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to his mistress, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened? " "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

[Kimmy]

What goes wrong when someone who is ESL (english as a second language) writes the punch line for Gaviscon...











ITS LIKE A FIREMAN CAME IN YOUR MOUTH.

[Kimmy]

We are in DEEP trouble...

The population of this country is

approximately 60 million.


32 million are retired.


That leaves 28 million to do the work.



There are 17 million in school or at Universities..



Which leaves 11 million to do the work.


Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.



Leaving 3 million to do the work.




1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan , etc .



Which leaves 1..8 million to do the work.




Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.






At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.



Leaving 512,000 to do the work.





Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the work..




You and me.




And there you are,




Sitting on your arse,




At your computer, reading jokes.



Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

[Kimmy]

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.


Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.


The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.


'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'


'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'


'That wicked old Sod, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years

[Kimmy]

The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.

Well she said "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass". The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek. She leaned over and whispered in his ear "I told you it hurt you old fxxxxx!"

[Kimmy]

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a pack of condoms.
The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies...

Don't be thucking thupid, - I'd thufficate!!!!

[Kimmy]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of New Mexico when her car broke down. A Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Native American would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

[Kimmy]

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"

The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

[Kimmy]

A supposedly true story

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Trufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "BOB". the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about a half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the was we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."

After a short pause and several clicks "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after, "Don't forget the coffee!!"

[Kimmy]

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today


Dear Lions Bay School ,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fxxx off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

[Kimmy]

A New Mouse for Women
After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse supplied with PCs.
Scientists found that there is no physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a Psychological problem.

Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right'in their hands.
Based on the research,a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:


Julie from Hounslow said:-
'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.'
Susan from Harlington added:-
'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women.
It fits right in with my lifestyle.'

Hillary from Kent said:-
'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!'

Sally from London said: -
" It feels so natural. "

[Kimmy]

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

[Kimmy]

A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. as they undressed for bed the husband who was a big burly bruiser tossed his pants to his bride and said "here put these on". she put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "i can't wear your pants" she said. "that's right" said the husband," and don't forget it . I'm the man who wears the pants in this family". with that she flipped him her panties and said "try these on". he tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee cap. he said "hell, i can't get into your pants". she said "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamn attitude changes".

[Kimmy]

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

[Kimmy]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone.... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bar tender says prove it.

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bar tender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never believe it!" "Yeah," said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker,my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bar tender goes in to the men's room.

There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall...his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his backside.

"Oh my god!", said the bar tender "Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!"

[Kimmy]

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

[Kimmy]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
>> Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family
>> was invited over to see the baby.
>>
>>
>> Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him
>> and explained that the baby had no ears.
>>
>> His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the
>> baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the
>> smacking of his life when they came back home.
>> Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
>>
>>
>> When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
>> The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
>>
>>
>> Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
>> hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
>>
>> "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he
>> will have 20/20 vision."
>>
>> "That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fxxxxx if he needed
>> glasses".

[Kimmy]

Can't eat pork,

Swine flu...

[]

Can't eat chicken,

Bird flu.

[]

Can't eat Beef,

Mad cow....

[]

Can't eat eggs,

Salmonella.

[]

Can't eat fish,

heavy metal poisons in their waters.

[]

Can't eat fruits and veggies,

insecticides and herbicides.

[][][]

Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

[]

I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream!!!!!!!!

Remember - - - 'STRESSED'

spelled backwards! is

'DESSERTS'

[Kimmy]

[makingitslowly]

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears incomplete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse!

[makingitslowly]

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull.” Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, “Come on, pull Ranger.” Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, “Now pull, Fred, pull hard.” Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Okay, Benny, pull.” Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, “Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try.”

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

NEVER FART IN A WET SUIT.