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Post by Kimmy on Aug 8, 2010 22:26:28 GMT
How to you convert a dish washer into a snow plow?
Give the Bitch a shovel!
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Post by Kimmy on Aug 8, 2010 22:28:27 GMT
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
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Post by Kimmy on Aug 8, 2010 22:30:20 GMT
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
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Post by Kimmy on Aug 8, 2010 22:39:22 GMT
I put out my St George's flag for the World Cup, but wasn't sure if it would offend any Muslims....................so to be certain I wrote "Allah is a c*nt!" on it.
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Post by Kimmy on Aug 8, 2010 22:40:37 GMT
Whats the difference between the Icelandic Volcano and Cheryl Cole ?
The volcano is still blowing Ash !
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Post by BC on Sept 27, 2010 8:50:33 GMT
Australian virgin...
... A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
;D
(It's the way I tell 'em)
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Post by Kimmy on Sept 29, 2010 8:49:00 GMT
Q: How many animals can you fit into a
pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it...
answer:
10 little piggy's,
2 calves,
1 ass,
and an unknown number of hares,
And of course one (1) . . ..
PUSSEY.
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Post by trebor on Oct 4, 2010 6:13:57 GMT
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange,
blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter, old man?
Never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 12, 2010 8:28:02 GMT
If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment , If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, ....Then You Are Probably The Family's fxxxxxx Dog!  |
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 19, 2010 10:39:02 GMT
Three little ducks go into a Bar......
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 19, 2010 10:42:44 GMT
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I ' m still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you ' ve been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he ' d look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn ' t get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn ' t know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn ' t sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
“But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"
"You're with the GOVERNMENT. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
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Post by BC on Oct 21, 2010 21:22:51 GMT
Subject: £9,000 Insurance
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... "Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops in the kitchen."
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 26, 2010 9:59:11 GMT
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 26, 2010 10:01:21 GMT
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 old ex sailor and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 26, 2010 10:04:00 GMT
“ I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I had the biggest dick she'd ever laid her hands on"
I said “You’re pulling my leg”
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 1, 2010 21:50:58 GMT
THE DILAPIDATED OLD BOAT
Once there were twins,
Joe and John.
Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat.
It so happened that John's wife died
the same day that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman
saw Joe and mistook him for John.
She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
You must just feel terrible."
Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said,
"Heck no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning.
Her bottom was all shrivelled up
and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always losing her water,
she had a bad crack in the back
and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger
and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off
was when I rented her to these
four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good,
but they wanted to use her anyhow.
The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split
right up the middle."
The old lady fainted.
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 1, 2010 22:00:27 GMT
KIMMY walked into the doctor's office
for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?"
the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing,"
KIMMY stammered.
"You see, I have a very large and
almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today,"
the receptionist cooed.
"But maybe I can
squeeze you in..."
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 1, 2010 22:03:14 GMT
LITTLE OLD WOMAN'S CRIME
Defence Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman:
I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us,
in your own words,
what happened to you?
Little old Woman:
There I was, sitting there
in my swing on my front porch
on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman:
It felt good.
Nobody had done that since
my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman:
Why, Your Honour,
his rubbing made me
feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman:
Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just
laid down and said to him...
"Take me ... young man...Take me!"
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman:
Hell, no.
He just yelled, "April Fool ! ".
... And that's when ...
I shot the little bastard.
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 1, 2010 22:04:44 GMT
An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket girl said,
"Sir, what is that you're carrying ?"
The old farmer said,
"That is my pet rooster, Chuckie.
Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl,
"We can't allow animals in the theatre.
Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner
and stuffed the chicken down his pants.
He returned to the booth,
bought a ticket and entered the theatre.
He sat down next to two
old emergency room nurses named
Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and
the chicken began to squirm.
The old farmer unzipped his pants so
Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge..." whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert..!"
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out..."
whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge,
"At our age we've seen them all."
"Yes," said Mildred,
"But this one's eating my popcorn!"
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Post by BC on Nov 11, 2010 18:09:29 GMT
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'
;D
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 18, 2010 12:04:49 GMT
A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbour's male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain, and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said."hang up the phone and place the phone down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".
"Do you really think that will work?" she asked
"It just worked for me" he replied.
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Post by Kevin THFC on Nov 18, 2010 19:46:36 GMT
Kate Middleton, first person to squeeze into Lady Di's ring since Dodi Al Fayed
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Post by BC on Nov 24, 2010 9:59:27 GMT
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm
your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race....................
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a
gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled
her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a
pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the
bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she
had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the
house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f**king
bricks.'
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Post by BC on Nov 26, 2010 17:39:21 GMT
TO MY FINANCIALLY FOCUSED FRIENDS The Question of the Day is ... Will the Dollar fall or not?I ask you because I know you're interested in finance. The information you need is below: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >  |
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Post by Kimmy on Dec 18, 2010 8:59:40 GMT
WHERE WOULD YOU BE:
IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL WAS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS OR PETS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE ?
Well....... HELLOOooo !!!!!!!
YOU'D BE at THE WRONG FUCKIN' HOUSE!
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Post by BC on Dec 23, 2010 12:06:09 GMT
Well....... HELLOOooo !!!!!!! YOU'D BE at THE WRONG FUCKIN' HOUSE! ;D
A quizQ: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for 'suck here'. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.' Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch... Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains? 'Not yet,' she replied  |
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Post by Kevin THFC on Dec 24, 2010 12:17:04 GMT
It has been announced that West Ham have been refused permission to move to the Olympic Stadium. A council spokesman said that a funfair once a year was fine but a circus every 2 weeks was taking the piss
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Post by Kimmy on Dec 25, 2010 18:33:19 GMT
£14 for a full xmas dinner that feeds three,
That's why mums go to Iceland.
£18 for an 18 year old bouncing on your c-ck all day,
Thats why dads go to Thailand !
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Post by Kimmy on Dec 25, 2010 18:33:49 GMT
what did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
she gagged a wee bit!
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Post by Kimmy on Dec 25, 2010 18:35:28 GMT
A rich guy and a poor guy are Christmas shopping when the poor guys asks the rich what he's gettin his wife for Christmas and the rich guy says "A car and a ring, that way if she doesn't like the ring she can return it in the car" The rich guy then asks the poor man the same question to which he responds "I'm gettin her slippers and a dildo, that way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fook herself"
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