Adult Jokes

[Kimmy]

Woman goes in to a record shop and says "Do you have jingle bells on 7 inch ?"
Youg lad says "No but ive got Dangly Balls on a 9 inch"

Woman replies " Thats not a record is it?

Lad replies "No but Its not bad for a 16 year old"

[BC]

Teacher: Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered: Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

[BC]

Jim Davidson and Charlie Drake



;D

[BC]

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only.


David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.


Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear gold tonight' . Wife says 'Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change?'


I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looking very miserable. I thought to myself 'That guy's heading for a breakdown'.


An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gun on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets.


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'. I thought what a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?


The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair, the audience did try to warn him......

[Kimmy]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.





Three women, from England, Wale and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.





The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.





The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.





The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"


The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".





She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

[Kimmy]

Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists...... they did unspeakable things to me................


I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady, two minutes later she said "will you sod off I'm trying to have a xxxx!!".


Brought the missus some crotch less knickers yesterday, It had nothing to do with a sexual nature, it was so she could get a better grip on her broomstick..


Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Diana's ring, since Dodi Al Fayed..........................


Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a seatbelt...........................


Now on sale at IKEA - LESBO beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove...............


A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say it’s definitely race related ....................


Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8..........................


Ginger bloke goes to the docs about a rash on his bollocks.
The doc says "how often do you have sex?"
He says "Once or twice a year!"
The doc say "that's not a rash mate, its RUST".


I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency....................


Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and say "every time I suck William's knob I get indigestion", the queen says "have you tried Andrews"


The lead actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped, by the gay genie on stage last night, to be fair the audience tried to warn him.


The RSPCA have acted quickly after recent events at the Emirates stadium.
If you see an Arsenal fan with a dog, please ask them to call 0800 2-0 2-1 2-2 2-3 for advice on how to hold onto a lead.


Christmas in Liverpool........
12 inbred brothers, 11 fake Armani's, 10 Lambert & Butler, 9 pm curfew, 8 young children, 7 different dads, 6 grams of coke,
5 sovereign rings, 4 stolen alloys, 3 different ASBO's, 2 cans of Stella and a brand new DLA car.

[Kimmy]

Today's word is … Fluctuations.

I was at my bank today. There was a short line up.

There was only one person in front of me -- an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was quite obvious that she was more than a little irritated when she shouted at the teller: "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[Kimmy]

Murphy's' Wife had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a fookin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

[BC]

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.

(just in case you don't get that one, Thailand is infamous for its "lady-boys")



Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.



Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!



I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"



I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.



A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.



Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!



Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

[BC]

Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

[BC]

Best Pubs Are Irish

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs Back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The Landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, He'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first Two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite Pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to You?" he was asked.

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did Happen to me sister quite a few times ...."

[Kimmy]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.


Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.


They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'


The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.


After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

[Kimmy]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

[Kimmy]

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'



Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '


I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change'
I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks ‘What is wrong’??
The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’
‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??
The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.



I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.

Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I’??
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket’.


I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”??

The answer I should have given was “Fiji”

[Kimmy]

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute.. "do you know who the father is?"

"For f.... sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

[Kevin THFC]

How unlucky is my sister? She hasn't had sex with men for years because of a fear of catching an STD and now she has caught e-coli from a cucumber.

I was talking to a girl in the pub last night and said "You remind me of my little toe."
"is that because I'm small and cute?" she asked.
"No, its because I expect to be banging you on my coffee table later."

[Kimmy]

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""f*ck that" says Mick" have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist.""What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals." "It's alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some b*stard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my @rse! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.

Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travellers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

[Kimmy]

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.
All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go to".
_____________________________

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 blokes then
dropped the microphone on his foot & said "F*ck me".

What happened next will haunt me forever..

[Kevin THFC]

My mates used to call me "Mr Lover Lover" as I had quite a good record with the ladies. Then one night a girl with Downs syndrome asked me to shag her up the arse... Now they call me "Mr Bum Spastic"...!

[Kimmy]

Kinds Of Sex .... X 7

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ..... 'Fuck You..'


The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)


The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And Last ... But not least ... The 7th kind of sex
is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME
WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own !!!

[Kimmy]

Paddy had long heard the stories of his amazing Irish family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. The story had been passed down to him,

when he was a child, that on this special day, they'd each walked across the lake

To the pub on the far side, for their first legal pint of Guinness.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, decided the walk was

maybe a bit long so they took a boat out to the middle of the lake and Paddy stepped out

...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "What’s wrong wa me. Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the
lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye
father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December,
when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin ejeet!"

[Kimmy]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by
turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning !



"It was deep into injury time. I managed to get in the way of a Ferdinand
pass and the ball bounced to Giggs. He gave the ball to Nani who crossed
it in for Rooney to volley home the winning goal. The emotion took over
me, I took my shirt off, ran towards the crowd and dived in to celebrate
with the fans, as I crawled back out and put my shirt back on I knew I'd
be in trouble, I'd forgotten to blow my whistle"

A sneak preview from Howard Webb's autobiography - "Referee".



Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidently swigged from a
bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.



I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring
tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's". These women are
certainly more forward these days.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers....... so I
did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy



My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
group The Monkees. I thought she was joking........And then I saw her
face



Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta's.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

[Kimmy]

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyouhehehelp me?'

The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.'

So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'

The guy says,'Wwwell is it, ddoc?'

The doctor says,' It's your penis.

It's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..'

The guy says, --- 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'

The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.'

The guy says, -- 'Dddeal....Dddo it!'

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'



The doctor says, --- 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'

[Kimmy]

FINALLY THE FIVE ANSWERS WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipple for?
A. It's Braille for 'suck here'
Q. What is an Australian kiss?
A. It's the same as a French kiss only down under
Q. Why were hurricanes named after women?
A. Because when they come they're wet and wild. But when they go they take your house and your car with them
Q. Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake?
A. Because they don't have any balls to scratch
Q. What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A. Running into a wall with an erection, and breaking his nose

When asked if he preferred legs or breasts Paddy said that he had a particular fondness fora vagina that's been waxed and shaven. He was informed that this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket

[Kimmy]

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand..
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.."

Larry is in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233

[Kimmy]

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

[Kimmy]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,




































"OK, OK! I can't park the f*cking car! You do it, you SMUG b-----d

[Kimmy]

Magic Penis
>
> A businessman was preparing
> to go on a long business trip, so he
> thought he'd buy his wife something to
> keep her occupied. He went to a sex
> shop and explained his situation. The
> man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I
> have anything that will keep her occupied for so
> many weeks, except... The Magic
> Penis!'
>
> The husband said, 'The
> what'?
>
> The man repeated, 'The Magic
> Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to
> be an ordinary dildo.
>
> The husband laughed, and
> said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
>
> The man then pointed to the
> door and said, ' Magic Penis,
> door!'
>
> The penis rose out of its
> box, darted over to the door and
> started pounding away at the keyhole.
> The whole door shook wildly with
> vibrations, so much so, that a crack began
> to form down the middle.
> Then the man said, 'Magic
> Penis, return to box!' and the penis
> stopped and returned to the box.
>
> The husband bought it and
> took it home to his wife.
>
>
> After the husband had been
> gone a few days, the wife remembered
> the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened
> the box and said 'Magic Penis, my
> vagina.'
>
> The penis shot to her
> crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
> After three mind shattering orgasms,
> she became very exhausted and decided
> she'd had enough. She tried to pull
> it out, but it was stuck. Her husband
> had neglected to tell her how to turn it
> off so she put herclothes on, got in her car and
> started for the closest
> hospital.
>
> On the way, another
> incredibly intense orgasm made her
> swerve all over the road. A Police
> Officer saw this and immediately pulled
> her over. He asked for her license, and
> then asked how much she'd had to drink.
>
> Gasping and twitching, the
> woman said, 'I haven't had anything to
> drink officer. You see,
> I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my
> crotch and it won't stop screwing
> me.'
>
>
>
> The officer looked at her for
> a second, shook his head and
> replied,'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my
> arse...!!!!!!!!!!'
>
> The rest, as they say, is
> history...

[Kimmy]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'

[banger]

Albert and the Gorilla!

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A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for ?500?

Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that hewould accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin? on?t lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "Tha? can?t ever tell anybody abaht this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all?t bairns raised asBarnsley fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha?s got to gi me another week to come up wi? 500 quid?
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