Adult Jokes

[Kimmy]

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,

unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds -

to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.


The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.


How much to repair it? the Scot asks the chemist.


Six pence, says the chemist.


How much for a new one?


Ten pence, says the chemist.


The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the

cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door,

shoulders back and kilt swinging.


A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by

an even greater shout.


The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor,

this time with a grin on his face.


The regiment has taken a vote, he says.
We'll have a new one."

[Kimmy]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

[Kimmy]

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us,


so she pulled out a £10 note.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note.
She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks it to his other bum cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a £50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the £50 note.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,
she just stuck it to one of his bum cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me. Now everyone's attention is focused on me,and the guy is egging me on to try to top the £50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?

The woman in me took over!
I got out my Visa card, swiped it down the crack of his bum,
grabbed the eighty quid, and left!!!!

[Kimmy]

Sex with an illegal immigrant
>
>
> An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.....
>
> "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
> "100," she replies.
> In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
> "No" she says.
> "I pay you 200 to do immigrant style."
> "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
> "I pay you 300."
> "No," she says.
> "I pay you 400."
> "No," she says.
> So finally he says, "OK, I pay 1,000 to do immigrant style."
> She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
> I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the
> world.
> How bad could immigrant style be?"
> So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they
> finish.
> Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting
> something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what
> exactly is immigrant style?"
>
>
> The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
>
>
>
>
>
> AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYER , IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
> ARE SCREWING US!

[Kimmy]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted !!!

[Kimmy]

THE THREE BEARS.

A far more accurate account of

the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs,

sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is

empty. 'Who's been eating my

porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at thebig table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl and it

is also empty. 'Who's been eatingmy porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her headthrough the serving hatch fromthe kitchen and yells, 'For God's

sake, how many times do I have

to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got upfirst. It was Mummy Bear whowoke everyone in the house. It wasMummy Bear who made the coffee.It was Mummy Bear who unloadedthe dishwasher from last night and

put everything away. It was

Mummy Bear who swept the floorin the kitchen. It was Mummy Bearwho went out in the cold earlymorning air to fetch the newspaper

and croissants. It was Mummy

Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walkedthe bloody dog, cleaned the cat'slitter tray, gave them their food,and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided todrag your sorry bear-arses

downstairs and grace Mummy

Bear with your grumpy presence,listen carefully, because I'm only

going to say this once...



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE

F***ING PORRIDGE YET'

[Kimmy]

The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens




he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he
went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.



He knew about cock fights in
the village, so he questioned
his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock? '




All the men stood up.



'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock? '




All the women stood up.


'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them? '



Half the women stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests
and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

[Kimmy]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

























The little girl said, 'She must have run out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[Kimmy]

Who says old folk are stupid ?



An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.


When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.'

[BC]

Eng-errrrr-land

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely rubbish. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

---

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .

---

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 ars3holes being regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

---

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a useless team we should easily have beaten... I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

---

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "it's so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

---

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

---

What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

---

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this *** mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."

---

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way into the dressing room.

---

You've just gotta laugh. ;D

[Kimmy]

A gynaecologist examines a lesbian and remarked "Madam that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen"

She replied "Thank you, I have a woman in twice a week !"

[Kimmy]

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What’s going on?"

He says, "That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that."

[Kimmy]

Two men ...
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.
They are each thinking exactly the same thing.
What are they both thinking? (SCROLL DOWN)













Don’t look down

[BC]

Jun 29, 2010 20:08:48 GMT Kimmy said:

Two men ...
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.
They are each thinking exactly the same thing.
What are they both thinking? (SCROLL DOWN)













Don’t look down

;D ;D ;D


Crackerjack!!

[Kimmy]

Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore ?
A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch blows everybody at the party except you.

Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife ?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie ?
A. When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin.

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse ?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint ?
A. It’s not very bright, but it spreads easy.

[Kimmy]

Seven wise men with the knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it and called it a xxxx.

[Kimmy]

Sometimes when xxxx happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you’ve, taken a xxxx. Here are some xxxx definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost xxxx
You know you’ve xxxx. There’s xxxx on the toilet paper, but no xxxx in the bowl.

Teflon Coated xxxx
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t feel it. No traces of xxxx on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey xxxx
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it still doesn’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don’t stain it. This xxxx leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought xxxx
You’re all done wiping your arse and you’re about to stand up when you realize it.....you’ve got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead xxxx
This kind is the kind of xxxx that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.


Right Now xxxx
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker xxxx
This xxxx is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of xxxx usually happens at someone else’s house.

Wet Cheeks xxxx
This xxxx hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your arse wet.

Wish xxxx
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no xxxx!

Snake xxxx
This xxxx is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork xxxx (Also Known as Floater xxxx)
Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This xxxx usually happens at someone else’s house.

Mexican Food xxxx (also called Screamers)
You’ll know it’s alright to eat again when your arsehole stops burning.

Beer Drunk xxxx
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your xxxx doesn’t smell too bad, but this xxxx is BAD. Usually there’s somebody standing outside to use the toilet. This kind of xxxx also usually happens at someone else’s house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of xxxx that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee xxxx
The kind of xxxx that just hangs off your arse before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire xxxx
The kind of xxxx where you eat really spicy food and your arsehole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of xxxx where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of xxxx that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The xxxxty xxxxty Bang Bang
The kind of xxxx that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk xxxx
The king of xxxx that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it’s normal size.

The Jack the Ripper xxxx
The kind of xxxx that yanks out the hair of your arse as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant xxxx you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

Dirty Bowl xxxx
The kind of xxxx that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City xxxx
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a xxxx.

Oh xxxx! xxxx
You xxxx so much and wipe your arse so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH xxxx!

The Never Ending xxxx
It’s the xxxx that keeps running out of your arse like pee, and just when you start wiping your arse your stomach gargles and splash, more xxxx runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt xxxx
The type of xxxx that leaves you feeling like you just hopped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

[Kimmy]

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball…………

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arsåholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily
have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort it
out..."

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.





David Blaine is gutted that the record he got for doing F*** all in a box for 42 days has just been beaten by Wayne Rooney

[Kimmy]

Subject: Indian mystery finally solved!



Finally, someone has cleared another mystery up for me...



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,

But the Indian High Commission in the UK has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.



On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether

He has won a:- A - Taxi licence in Bradford

B - Convenience store in Leicester

C- Service station in Manchester,

D- Kebab shop in Leeds

E- Take away cafe in London



If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering Telephones,

giving technical advice to BT customers and try to sell insurance to British Bank customers in
the UK late at night.



There, its finally revealed!

[Kimmy]

Bottle of Merlot


I asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in my local restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at me, then decided to send a reply to me by a note.


The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to me.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million pounds in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, I decided to compose one of my own in return. I folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in London,USA, France,Italy , and a 10,000 acre ranch in LA . There is over twenty million pounds in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..


True story.

[BC]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment..'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’

;D

It's the way I tell 'em !!

[Kimmy]

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass .... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Kevin THFC]

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and
Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

[BC]

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance, but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

[banger]

[Kimmy]

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs,
blowjob?
A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your
meat; but you just can't beat a blowjob.

[Kimmy]

Whats the 1st thing a battered wife does when she gets out the hospital ?


the fcuking dishes or she will be going straight back in again !

[Kimmy]

what did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?








choked

[Kimmy]

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom only to see his father giving his mum one!
His Dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "Get Out!"

A little while later Johnny's Father hears a commotion coming from Johnny's room. Dad rushes in and is horrified to see Johhny shagging his Gran.

Johnny just looks at his Dad and says
"Not so f**king funny when it's your mum is it?!"

[Kimmy]

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?'

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment coming along?'

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.

'Wow!...You mean it's grown to 12 inches?'

'No, it's turned black.'
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