Adult Jokes

[Kimmy]

Marriage (Part I )



Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and



after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you..
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table..

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,



'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.



The man decides that it IS time to go home and



wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.



He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 A M.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

God may have created ma n before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[Kimmy]

Don't Mess with the Chinese



A Lawyer and a Chinese

A lawyer and an Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.?
The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'

The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it
to the lawyer.?

Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.?


Don't mess with Chinese.

[Kimmy]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father,I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter .
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,
this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.
Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'

[Kimmy]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the

market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal

shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You

foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be

interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the

man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,

being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and

tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild

look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the

table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm

hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[banger]

[Kimmy]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

[Kimmy]

Little julie gets her first period, feeling uncomfortable about talking to her parents, she decides to ask Johnny next door. She whips up her skirt and shows him where she's bleeding from. After a few minutes, Johnny scratches his chin and says "Well, l'm no expert, but it looks like someone's ripped your bollocks off" !

[Kimmy]

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

[Kimmy]

Eva Mendes claims she has had sex in all 50 states whilst on a road trip.

I've managed 2 states myself. Drunk and sober. Anyone know what the other 48 are?

[Kimmy]

A 75 year old woman goes into see her doctor to see if there is any remote possibility that she can have a baby, the doc tells her to lift up her skirt and pull down her panties, after a close inspection the doctor says "Look love , you are 75 years old, and your'e fanny smells kipperus, which is a condition to describe the breeding ground for kippers" and the liitle old lady who is partly deaf as well says "Pardon?", and the doctor says "Ok , i'll come straight to the point, you have a kipperus vagina , and if you have a baby it will be a miracle", so the old lady trudges off home to her husband who asks "What did the doctor say?", and the little old lady replies "I have a kipper as a vagina, and if i have a baby it will be a mackerel"

[banger]

Blonde Jokes

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Are you boys all in the same band?"

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex ?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A: She drops her nail-file

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

[Kimmy]

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked
why had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes,
sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous
place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called
Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about to
bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and
let's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've got
strength but no length." Another man says to the lady,
"Take your hand off my trick!"
"I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered,
"You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for
one raise." Another lady was talking about protecting her
honor. Another lady said, "Now it's time for me to play with
your husband and you can play with mine."
"Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I
hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll
go home now. This is the last rubber"

[Kimmy]

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grammer school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand pounds..."

Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand pounds... YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers, "Eleven years!"

[Kimmy]

While in China, Fred is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells Fred to return in two days for the results.

Fred returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

Fred looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

Fred screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, Fred seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

Fred says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

Oh, Thank goodness!" Fred replies

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fawr off by itself! You save money."

[Kimmy]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

[Kimmy]

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

[banger]

[Kimmy]

My nookie days are over;
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal;
Is now my water spout.

Time was when of its own accord;
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job;
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing;
The way it would behave.
For every single morning;
It would stand and watch me shave.

As old age approaches;
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head;
And watch me tie my shoes.

[Kimmy]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

[Kimmy]

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

[Kimmy]

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

[Kimmy]

There is a medical distinction, we have all heard about people having guts
or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking
there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

[Kimmy]

The History of the Middle Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle

finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable

of fighting in the future.

This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as

'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle

fingers at the defeated French saying,

“See, we can still pluck yew!” Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has

gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F',

and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the

arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic

gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY! And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

[Kimmy]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale



Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' The guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and screwed around and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.



The End

[Kimmy]

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick xxxxhouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."

"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

[Kimmy]

There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose." "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."

[Kimmy]

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag What's in the bag? the youngster asks magic apples the old man replied prove it said the young man well besides apples what is your favorite two fruits? asked the old man watermelon and peaches he answered the man handed him an apple and told him to try it out the boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon "ok turn it over" he said the boy did and took another bite and said it tasted like a peach the youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic the old fellow told him to name something that he liked to eat "i like to eat p***y" he snapped the man handed him another apple and told him to try it He took a big bite spit it out wipped his mouth and esclaimed "That tasted like xxxx The old man looked at him smiled and said "Turn it over"

[Kimmy]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 2, 000, 000 bank account If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4, 000, 000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and 2, 000, 000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the girls father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

[Kimmy]

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

[BC]

Some of those above are great KP. Here's one for you...

---

An acquaintance of mine had some interesting experiences with upgrading.

Last year he upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it is a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as Boat 3.1, TheBoys 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherinLaw 55.8 and BrotherinLaw Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

• a "Don't remind me again" button
  
• Minimize button
  
• An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources
  
• an option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use
  

I, myself, decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another annoying problem - all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

************************** BUG WARNING ***********************

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self-uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.

********************** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***********************

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.