Adult Jokes

[Kimmy]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,

when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the

bus:




1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.




2. An old friend who once saved your life.




3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.




Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there

could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue

reading.




This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part

of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is

going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take

the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be

the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able

to find your perfect mate again.










YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................







The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble

coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car

keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I

would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'




Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn

thought limitations.




Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'










HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put

her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood

of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.




God, I just love happy endings!

[Kimmy]

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal man.

They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to think about it then come up with a short poem that contained that word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped up to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu

The aboriginal won

[Kimmy]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[Kimmy]

I complained about my recent electric bill and here's the response :



Dear Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your
Anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted
That you have no choice. We are a big company and you
Will pay what we tell you. You have no choice We have
The power, you need the power. So sad....too bad.
We have enclosed a little picture to help
Outline our response. Have a nice day and keep those
Cheques coming!

Sincerely,

Your Local Power Co .

[makingitslowly]

That gave me a wry smile lol.

[Kimmy]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

'But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[Kimmy]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, t h e church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she retu rned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

[Kimmy]

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm
broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have
at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part
of 'broke' don't you understand?'

[Kimmy]

It has long been contended that there are male Jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex Jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.


I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00
on one condition".

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said. . . .






"Clean my house."




(YOU GO, GIRL!)

[Kimmy]

A teacher was doing a study testing the taste senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. (Sweets with holes in.)


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red.......................Cherry
Yellow......................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange................ Orange




Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.


'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!

[Kimmy]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'




























She pointed at the OIL (710) cap.

[Kimmy]

My wife and I went to the Stock Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR. '



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said,

'He mated 50 times last year. '

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR. '



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ' WOW, that ' s more than twice a week!

You could learn a lot from him. '

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR. '



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs.

She said, ' That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something
from this one. '

I looked at her and said, ' Go over and ask him if it was
with the same old cow. '

[Kimmy]

What's the difference between potentially and realistically?

A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father ponders for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned.

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep With Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers.
_________________

[Kimmy]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.


The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?


The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'


The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.


Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.


Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.


The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'


'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.


Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.


The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'


'I like it!' says his seat mate.


The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.


Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to xxxx all over the place.


The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'



The agent nervously replies,



'He just found a bomb !'

[Kimmy]

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags

Please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no gray

As for my belly, Please take it away.

Keep me healthy, Keep me young,

And thank you Lord, For all you've done.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're
Nuts.'

[Kimmy]

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

[Kimmy]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.


He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman..

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where
he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be
happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

[Kimmy]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through
the fourth and fifth Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich
wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
' W hy?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers
down there!'
'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter. He said To the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers Down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her! She said
'Oh, my Goodness, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and
GIBLETS!!!

[Kimmy]

An Important Message
> About Growing Old
>
> *
> *

*

*

*

*

Bugger
> I've forgotten

[Kimmy]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your j o b is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Kimmy]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it, Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this! Still in the CRATE!!"

[Kimmy]

Woman goes to the doctor and says "i'm getting too much discharge". doc says "pop yer knickers off and get on the bed" he puts his fingers in and asks "how does that feel?". "facking lovely" she replies, "but the discharge is from my ear!"

[Kimmy]

After sex, a newly wed wife kept fondling her husband's dick.
Husband asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
Wife replied: "No dear, I just admiring your dick. I used to have one before."

[Kimmy]

I walked into the kitchen this morning and asked my wife, "What's for breakfast?", when she quickly replied "make love to me right now!" Not believing my luck I took her straight over the table, and when I finished asked her, "What's all that about then?" She replied "The egg timer's broken."

[Kimmy]

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector...god I miss him!

[Kimmy]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, missus,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

[Kimmy]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'


The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'

So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

The worried woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.'

[Kimmy]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good!" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret,

"Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and prodded Mary Margaret in the arse. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good!," and Mary Margaret fell back
asleep.

The Nun, determined to catch her out asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her thirteenth baby?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

[Kimmy]

More Money Saving Handy Hints

DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back at a fraction of the cost.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

CAN’T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don’t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn’t care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.
AddThis

[Kimmy]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice;
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
orange and peach trees. The pond was ideal for
swimming , although he rarely did that anymore.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you
leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral: Old men can still think fast.