Adult Jokes

[Kimmy]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[Kimmy]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

[banger]

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Kimmy]

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[Kimmy]

A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.

"Hello," the mechanic answers.

"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?"
the girl asks.

The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."

"Oh, is that a record?" she says.

"No," he says, "but it's better than average."

[Kimmy]

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling
the corner of your eyes as if you were Japanese!

[Kimmy]

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.

The first said, "Last night, I did my wife doggy style - it was great!"

"Doggy style?" said the other guy, why, I do it doggy style every night of the week!!
"Wow!!" said the first guy.

"Yep" he replied
"I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead!!"

[Kimmy]

Police officers George and Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat. They had been out only a short time when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and shower and I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

"We don't have to go back," George replied. "Just give the dog one sniff of your pussy, and he'll go fetch them for you."

Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, Fido took off toward the Police house.

Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit - and the Sergeants balls in his mouth!

[Kimmy]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

[Kimmy]

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[Kimmy]

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?" "Jewellery, dear."

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

Tesco - every little helps!



> >> > The New Tesco Doctor
> >> >
> >> > One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
> >> him,
> >> > "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
> >> >
> >> > Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike
> >> replies.
> >> >
> >> > There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
> >> > and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about
> >> it.
> >> >
> >> > It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
> >> > better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".
> >> >
> >> > So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
> >> Tesco.
> >> > He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
> >> > urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
> >> >
> >> > Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
> >> > "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
> >> > activity. It will improve in two weeks".
> >> >
> >> > That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
> >> Jack
> >> > began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
> >> >
> >> > He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
> >> > from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the
> >> mixture
> >> > for
> >> > good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
> >> > happen.
> >> >
> >> > He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
> >> > results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
> >> >
> >> > 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
> >> >
> >> > 2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
> >> >
> >> > 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
> >> >
> >> > 4) Your wife is pregnant. Black twins. They aren't yours. Get a
> >> > lawyer..
> >> >
> >> > 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will
> >> never
> >> > get better....
> >> >
> >> > Thank you for shopping at Tesco!!

[Kimmy]

I got a flat tyre the other day so I held the car up whilst my wife changed the wheel. I had this photograph taken to prove I did it.

[Kimmy]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

[Kimmy]

Whats the difference between anal sex and Clint Eastwood?













One will make your whole day - one will make your hole weak.

[Kimmy]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
>
> Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
> and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
>
> The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
> 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
>
> Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
> was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
> That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
>
> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
> been burned by Little Johnny before.
>
> She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
> 'fascinate', so she called on him.
>
> Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
> are so big she can only fasten eight.'
>
> The teacher sat down and cried.

[banger]

Who's the boss?
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship." With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!" She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[Kimmy]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.



I told them to F *** off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

[Kimmy]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

[Kimmy]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.



So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'



Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the Bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'



She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Kimmy]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

[Kimmy]

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

[Kimmy]

SAFETY TIPS FOR MEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES

1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.

2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE sex show.

3. The fan in your computer's power supply is NOT a good place to cool your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience)

4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy "tickling the keys" with your manhood.

5. Semen IS electrically conductive.


SAFETY TIPS FOR WOMEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES

1. No matter how big the guys Dick, on the screen, is; remember it's all done with smoke, mirrors, and a dildo. Don't bother drooling. And if you find yourself drooling remember to swallow, or spit whatever, often. Drool, on keyboards can cause shorts and is nasty to clean.

2. Plugging a dildo into the USB port will void the manufacturers warrantee.

3. To cool off your "heat of passion" take a shower and wash the sweat off your fat ass.

4. Keyboard cleaning kits do NOT work for sweaty, fat, chicks drool.

5. Vaginal juice is a very slippery substance; IF you spend a lot of time at XXX sites it is suggested you have a seat-belt installed on your computer chair and PLENTY of clean panties.

[Kimmy]

Joe (74) and Lucy (79) met in their nursing home, fell in loved, then married. That evening, on their honeymoon, Joe slipped into the bathroom to “freshen up”. Ethel put on her sexy gown and jumped into bed. Joe came out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a condom. Lucy giggled and said “Joe, at my age we really don’t have to worry about pregnancy.” Joe said, “I’m not, the dampness makes my arthritis act up.”

[Kimmy]

When its OK to ask for your money back.

[Kimmy]

The husband leans over and asks his wife,




'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?





We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'






'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

















'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'









'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'









A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.






So he follows them.







The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..



Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..



The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.



As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...



Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.



This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises






and moaning and screaming.



Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.









The policeman is amazed.






He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.







After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.



The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



So, as the couple passes, he says to them,'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'




Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,






'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!'

[Kimmy]

The marriage of a white 80 year old man and a 20 year old white woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' the old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'


The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

[banger]

The Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[Kimmy]

A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land!! They have been hunting a while and his best friend says"hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope". He says " who's that man in the bedroom with your wife? The husband says "what? r u joking? The friend replies,"no honestly. I can see them!! The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!! The friend replies"I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"