Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[BC]

I read this on the Robbo Robson blog on the BBC football site today. It made me chuckle:

"...I'm not sure what you call the opposite of a purple patch (a brown patch?)"

;D

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BC
That joke's a stinker ;D

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A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -

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HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

[banger]

Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins
Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.


Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.


8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


Mrs Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.


The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and desserts will be served for a nominal feel.


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."


This evening at 7pm, there will be a sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

[banger]

Because I'm A Man . . .
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.


Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.


Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.


Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.


Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.


Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).


Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger. I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?


Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or beer, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.


Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her anymore than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!


Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection?


Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.


Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.


Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?


Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

[Kimmy]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?



Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers


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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

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War Dims Hope for Peace

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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Favorite book reviews:

"This book fills a much-needed gap in the literature." --unknown

"The covers are too far apart." --Ambrose Bierce

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Mister rabbit is an awful bore,
His only skill is making more.
Favourite saying ! What’s up Doc!
He sometimes ends up in a pot.

Can be found in kiddies’ toys,
loved by all the girls and boys.
If kept at home just as a pet
you must call in to see the vet


For one thought only has it got,
and otherwise you’ll have a lot?
That may seem to be unkind,
but I know Mr rabbits mind

[BC]

Banger and Kimmy...

I've been reading some of your jokes and laughing 'til I'm crying.

Wonderful stuff !! ;D

[Kimmy]

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Thank you BC
My oh my we try to keep you all amused ;D

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I know why lady kangaroos,
always seem to have the blues.
It’s not because it's mating season,
it's after that there is a reason.
They carry junior in their tums’
and they make loving caring mums.
But later, nursery round the middle,
is only good while kids are little.
As kids grow up they weigh a ton,
it makes her "rue" what she's done.

[Kimmy]

Airline Announcements – some old some new.

A United flight attendant announced, ”People, people we're not picking out furniture here. Find a seat and get in it!

The flight attendant said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.”

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart-ass comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said to him, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why, no, ma'am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”

The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan in Washington , DC , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker, “Whoa, big fella, WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.”

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing, “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , TX , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. And, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses . . . . . except for that gentleman over there.”

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement, “We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U S Airways.”

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight, “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax . . . . . OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in coach yelled out, “That's nothing! You should see the back of mine!”

[Kimmy]

An old nun

Who was living in a convent next to a construction site

Noticed the coarse language of the workers

And decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.




She decided she would take her lunch,

Sit with the workers

And talk with them.




She put her sandwich in a brown bag

And

Walked over to the spot where the men were eating.




She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:

"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"




They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.




One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,




"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"




One of the steelworkers yelled down




'why'?




The worker yelled back,




"Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

[banger]

I'm over the hill

We're over the hill but don't feel sad
This side of the hill ain't all that bad.
So give us "five" and then a smile
To us who have been here for awhile.

With by-pass pain and mended hip
And plumbing fixtures prone to drip;
We all may seem a sorry lot,
But we rejoice for what we've got.

We have each day and what it brings
And on our pensions live like kings.
For the press that accuses what we take
To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake."

We've paid our share for unused knowledge
As the kids are now all done with college.
We complain to them about our health
As they worry about our dwindling wealth.

And though our wardrobes may be plain
We'll suffer no more labour or pain.
Now it's with a cane we do our strut
And if we can't drive - we still can putt.

We're mean and tough, meet all demands,
Why, M&M's melt in our hands.
Yes, we're still here, and it does delight us
That you join our fight against arthritis.

But we ask you make a pledge today
That you'll be careful what you say.
We have to spread "Over the Hill" fear
Or we'll have those young folks over here.

[banger]

April Fools

Instant Color TV
1962: In 1962 there was only one tv channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their tv screen. Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process. Thousands of people were taken in. Regular color broadcasts only commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.

[Kimmy]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well,
> they decided to get married.
>
> One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
>
>
> The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
>
> The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
>
> The wedding was lovely.
>
> After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
> 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
>
> 'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
>
>
>
> Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
> hurt!!!!!!


>
>
>
>
> 'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
>
>
> ........................................
>
> Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.


> Life's too short not to enjoy...

Even these silly ....little
> cute................ And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>
> Sounds to me like she's......been .....sweeping around!!!

[Kimmy]

THE NITTY GRITTY DICTIONARY
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> ADULT:
>> A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
>> growing in the middle.
>>
>> BEAUTY PARLOR:
>> A place where women curl up and dye.
>>
>> CANNIBAL:
>> Someone who is fed up with people.
>>
>> CHICKENS:
>> The only animals you eat before they are born and after
>> they are dead.
>>
>> COMMITTEE:
>> A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
>>
>> DUST:
>> Mud with the juice squeezed out.
>>
>> EGOTIST:
>> Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
>>
>> GOSSIP:
>> A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do
>> more damage.
>>
>> HANDKERCHIEF:
>> Cold Storage.
>>
>> INFLATION:
>> Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
>>
>> MOSQUITO:
>> An insect that makes you like flies better.
>>
>> RAISIN:
>> Grape with a sunburn.
>>
>> SECRET:
>> Something you tell to one person at a time.
>>
>> SKELETON:
>> A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
>>
>> TOOTHACHE:
>> The pain that drives you to extraction.
>>
>> TOMORROW:
>> One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
>>
>> YAWN:
>> An honest opinion openly expressed.
>>
>> WRINKLES:
>> Something other people have. You have character lines.
>>
>>

[banger]

Grandma changed
In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

[banger]

Do you know me?
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

[Kimmy]

From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their

car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the

chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants

turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put

her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at

her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Arkle55]

Im not sure if should be posting this here but i have been told there is a good thing running tomorrow called Creasote, and that it is excellent over fences.

[Kimmy]

I hear they have named a train 'Portsmouth' but it can't get over the points.

[banger]

After divorce, men realize that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.
Alimony: bounty after the mutiny. (Max Kauffmann)
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull before.
The difference between a circus and a singles bar is - at the circus, the clowns don't try to talk to you.
Divorce: The past tense of marriage.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Do you know why women don't blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Don't marry for money; it's cheaper to borrow it.
Don't think that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him.
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade.
The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce. (John Kenneth Galbraith)