Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[Kimmy]

Dear Iceland,
>>
>> We said "Send Cash!!"
>>
>> Lots of love,
>>
>> Michael O'leary
>>

[banger]

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?

Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?

I think I'm fine but I can see
you won't cooperate with me;

The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray

What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;

If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,

And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;

I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;

I hate you being smug and wise
O, look what's happened to my thighs!

I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,

If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!!

[mcginty]

A Wabbit Weeqwest


Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!
Be it hereby known and understood!
Cawwots are for Wabbits, people ~
Not for humans! That's not good!

Cwuel cwowds are munching cawwots
in a snack or woast beef stew,
Cwisp, fwesh cawwots served with gween peas,
weelly folks, that's bad for you!

Cawwot sticks are pwanned in diets,
cwazies cwunch them for pwain fun,
Mommies pwace them in bwown lunch bags,
joggers chew them on the wun!

Cawwots make your nose more wosey,
twuely, don't you wee-alize ~
You'll gwow buckteeth, turn all fwuffy,
you'll gwow beady widdle eye!

Cawwots gwow your whiskers bwighter,
make your ears fwop in the bweeze ~
Cawwots are for BUNNY WABBITS!!!
WESCUE CAWWOTS!
PWEEEZE! PWEEEZE!! PWEEEZE!!!

[BC]

Apr 19, 2010 22:13:14 GMT mcginty said:

A Wabbit Weeqwest


Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!
Be it hereby known and understood!
Cawwots are for Wabbits, people ~
Not for humans! That's not good!

Cwuel cwowds are munching cawwots
in a snack or woast beef stew,
Cwisp, fwesh cawwots served with gween peas,
weelly folks, that's bad for you!

Cawwot sticks are pwanned in diets,
cwazies cwunch them for pwain fun,
Mommies pwace them in bwown lunch bags,
joggers chew them on the wun!

Cawwots make your nose more wosey,
twuely, don't you wee-alize ~
You'll gwow buckteeth, turn all fwuffy,
you'll gwow beady widdle eye!

Cawwots gwow your whiskers bwighter,
make your ears fwop in the bweeze ~
Cawwots are for BUNNY WABBITS!!!
WESCUE CAWWOTS!
PWEEEZE! PWEEEZE!! PWEEEZE!!!

;D

Now can you sing the Gween, Gween Gwass of home?

Or Cwying, by Woy Owbison.



BC

[Kimmy]

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Las Vegas churches
>> > accept gambling chips
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE
>> > TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
>> > LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES
>> > THAN CASINOS.
>> >
>> >
>> > NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME
>> > WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH > WHEN
>> > THE
>> > BASKET IS PASSED.
>> >
>> > SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM
>> > MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT > THE
>> > OFFERINGS.
>> >
>> > THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR
>> > COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN > THE
>> > CHIPS
>> > ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
>> >
>> >
>> > THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > YOU
>> > DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
>> >
>> >
>> > GOTCHA!
>> >
>> >
>> >

[Kimmy]

Reasons Not To Mess With Children



little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'




A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'




One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'




The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'




A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'





The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

[banger]

[banger]

Phone keeps ringing
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Phone Won't Stop Ringing?

Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

[banger]

Guys Rules For Women

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules"From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Men ARE not mind readers.


Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.


Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.


Crying is blackmail.


Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!


Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.


Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.


Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.


If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.


If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ..


You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.


ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.


If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.


If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.


When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.


Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.


You have enough clothes.


You have too many shoes.


I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[ Author Unknown -- f

[Kimmy]

Number One Idiot, so far in 2010
>> I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
>> poison control centre.
>> Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
>> daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
>> harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
>> hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
>> mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
>> kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
>> emergency room right away..
>>
>>
>> Number Two Idiot so far in 2010
>>
>> Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
>> a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
>> of the plane and home.
>> Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
>> Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
>> It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
>> beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
>> employed at Boeing.
>>
>>
>> Number Three Idiot so far in 2010
>>
>> A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
>> wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
>> While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
>> to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
>> police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and
>> crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in
>> line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from
>> his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
>> told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
>> written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either
>> have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland .....
>> Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
>> He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
>> the Bank of Queensland ... Happened in Noosa!
>>
>>
>> Number Four Idiot so far in 2010
>>
>> A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
>> of the cash from the cash drawer.
>> After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
>> Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
>> cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
>> 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but
>> the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
>> him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
>> wallet and gave it to the clerk.
>> The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
>> she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with
>> his loot.
>> The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
>> the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two
>> hours later.
>>
>>
>> Number Five Idiot so far in 2010
>>
>> A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
>> first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
>> first bandit shot him..
>>
>>
>> Number Six Idiot so far in 2010
>>
>> Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
>> throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
>> So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.. The
>> brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
>> window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
>> videotape.. Perth WA .
>>
>>
>> IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
>>
>> My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
>> She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said
>> he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
>> Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!
>>
>>
>> IDIOT SIGHTING:
>>
>> I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
>> asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
>> knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
>> would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
>> Happened in Melbourne ...
>>
>>
>> JUST AN IDIOT :
>>
>> When my husband and I arrived at a FORD car dealers to pick up our car, we
>> were told the keys had been locked in it.
>> We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
>> feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
>> As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
>> handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
>> 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
>> His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
>>

[BC]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He
rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the
entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at
Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[Kimmy]

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that come by
e-mails, BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for months

and has been sent to over 20 million people.

We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send

it on to as many people as possible.

Please keep it going!










To show your support for Gordon Brown please go to the end of

the list and just add your name.




























1. Mrs Sarah Brown.

2.

[banger]

Say What?


Interpretating clues can take forever in a day,
it's a crude doggy-dog-world out there, where no one wants to pay,
And for all intensive purposes you've got to shut your eyes
not to see some take for granite what's a blessing in the skies.

It was in the deadened winter, windshield factor 23,
I was watching Laura Norder, paper view on the TV,
In lame man's turns, the vic was in a bread and breakfast place,
she was found lack toast and tolerant, and lying on her face.

Cops went looking through the chester drawers to find some D and A,
but her undies were beyond approach with just a little fray,
And the true flaw in the ointment, what got everyone annoyed
was a treasure cove of evidence that somehow got destroyed.

Rumor spread like wildflowers that someone dropped the ball,
there were bootprints in the snow outside and leading down the hall,
With no crime scene pics to prove it, take it with a grain assault,
though no film was in the camera, each one swore it's not my fault.

No excape goat to be sacrificed made some star-craving mad,
and to each's own, their lips were steeled, cops knew that they'd been had,
When a sweet short-sided neighbor took her dog out for a walk
and a wheel barrel of trouble came while backs were turned to talk.

Big ole Rover got his haunches up when he first spied that cat,
and he chased it through the hallway where the suspect's prints were at,
In a last stitch try to catch Miss Priss, he plotted through the snow,
in a short spurt of the moment, no bootprints were left to show.

It'd be the bud of D.A.'s jokes if they could guess at Who,
but when there's no perp to bare the blunt, it's sure not trite and true,
Like a large bowl in a china shop, you have to come to turns,
'cause when no one buys the bullet, then it's everyone that burns!

~ Connie ~

"Make crime pay ~ become a lawyer!" --Will Rogers

[banger]

Actual stupid questions asked
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

[banger]

[banger]

A Lovely Hand
Author Unknown

Last night I held a lovely hand,

It was so small and neat,

I thought my heart with joy would burst

So wild was every beat.


No other hand unto my heart

Could greater pleasure bring

Than the one so dear I held last night.

Four Aces and a King

[Kimmy]

Subject: driving test








> > > A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
> > > father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
> > >
> > > His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C
> > > to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
> > > Then we'll talk about the car.'
> > >
> > > The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
> > > offer, and they agreed on it.
> > >
> > > After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your
> > > grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
> > > but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
> > >
> > > The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
> > > noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John
> > > the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even
> > > strong
> > > evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
> > >

> > >







> > > ---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

[BC]

50°F
People in Southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh put out bedding plants

40°F
Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs

35°F
Cars in the South of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down

20°F
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts

15°F
Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dundee swim in the River Tay at Broughty Ferry

0°F
Life in the South grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

-10°F
Life in the South ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket

-80°F
Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers

-100°F
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'

-173°F
Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut

-297°F
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands

-460°F
All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands

-500°F
Hell freezes over
Scotland will support England in the World cup

[BC]

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement..

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted..

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its arse.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[Kimmy]

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have
to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots
back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because
she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for
the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said
as we drove away. ''That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat
ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[Kimmy]

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'

The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'

She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS

YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE

[banger]

IF BY ANY CHANCE I OR ANYONE HAS POSTED THIS BEFORE
THEN I FORGOT SO HERE IT IS AGAIN

Perks of Old Age


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.}

[Kimmy]

KIMMYPOPSRACING.


All Targets met.

All systems working.

All members and guests satisfied.

All Moderators eager and enthusiastic

All pigs fed and ready to fly. ;D

[Kimmy]

These classified ads were really put in the paper

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd..
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows absolutely everything.

[Kimmy]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'

So, the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.


The end

[Kimmy]

The Obedient Wife








There was a man, who had
worked all his life, had saved all
of his money, & was a real
miser when it came to his
money.

Just before he died, he said
to his wife,” When I die, I want
you to take all my money and
put it in the casket with me. I
want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with

her; she came over with the box
and put it in the casket. Then
the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you were not
foolish enough to put all that
money in there with your
husband."

The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I' m a good and honest wife;
I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was
going to put that money into
the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put
that money in the casket with
him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife.
"I got it all together, put it into
my account, and wrote him a Cheque.....
If he can cash it,

then he can spend it."

[Kimmy]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.


So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion



and that it would be a woman.



He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you





She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!



She will bear your children.



and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.'



Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib

Of course the rest is history............!!!!

[BC]

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

;D

(there isn't a groaning smilie is there?)

[Kimmy]

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?’

Al replies, "I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.’

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?’

The waiter says, "I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.

"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor,the cook say no Mexican Jews.’

Al isn’t satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?’

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor!’and goes back into the kitchen.


While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.’

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.’

"Are you certain?" Al asks again.

"I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!’

"SENOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.

[banger]

Scottish Lad and Lass


A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

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