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Post by banger on Feb 16, 2010 13:58:00 GMT
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday
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Post by banger on Feb 17, 2010 14:12:13 GMT
How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
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Post by banger on Feb 17, 2010 14:18:43 GMT
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
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Post by banger on Feb 18, 2010 8:53:32 GMT
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this...
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP ...
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so... it is time to shut UP!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 18, 2010 22:16:48 GMT
www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.htmlTYPE IN a command under the dog and see what happens... Sit, roll over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead, beg, etc., and... It's also very cute if you type in a command that's not recognized...!! Make sure you type in 'Kiss', too, but do it last!!! Don’t use rude words
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Post by banger on Feb 18, 2010 23:06:41 GMT
Just Great Everybody Should Look At This
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Post by liz on Feb 19, 2010 8:18:23 GMT
The UP article was interesting, never thought of the word like that before. Up the Rams!  or  (mostly ) |
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Post by banger on Feb 19, 2010 21:03:33 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 20, 2010 8:39:46 GMT
Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd
>> left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
>> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
>> He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
>> Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
>> George said, "Okay."
>> He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
>> Then he phoned the police again.
>> "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
>> Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson's residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
>> One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
>> Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
>>
>> (True Story) I LOVE IT!
>> Don't mess with old people
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Post by banger on Feb 20, 2010 19:05:29 GMT
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Post by banger on Feb 21, 2010 11:10:37 GMT
No Racing But We Can Still Have A Smile ;D
My wife has a Quarter Horse, with shortened mane and extra long tail.
She thinks he is the finest thing that ever jogged a rail.
She calls him Dandy Darling, and if the truth I tell,
That fancy pampered Quarter Horse has made my life pure hell!
My wife she used to cook for me and serve it with champagne.
But now she'd rather feed that horse and fix him special grain!
She rides him every morning, and grooms him half the night.
And the last time that she kissed ME, was just to be polite!
He dresses better than I do, with matching wraps and ties.
My wardrobe's so neglected now, that I attract the flies!
One day my wife was shopping, she was way down at the mall.
And fancy, pampered DANDY was just a standing in his stall.
He looked so smug and sassy, that I began to grin.
I'd saddle that fat sucker up, and take him for a spin!!
I've wondered since if the cues I gave, he may have misconstrued.
Cause when I climbed aboard that horse, he rightly came UNGLUED!!!!
He bucked and spun, and snorted fire, then threw me through a fence!
I saw big stars and there are 6 teeth, that I ain't heard from since!
My wife came home and saw me, just a lying in the dirt.
She rushed up to her HORSE and asked him, "Sweetheart are you HURT?"
He'd scratched his nose a little bit, and the memory galls me yet......
She left me lying in the mud, and ran to call the VET!!!
~Author Unknown~
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 21, 2010 12:35:53 GMT
It was entertainment night at the old people's home. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations".
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
sxxx" said the Hypnotist..................
............................................
............................................
It took three days to clean up the old people's home.
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Post by banger on Feb 21, 2010 23:21:28 GMT
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Post by makingitslowly on Feb 22, 2010 9:37:33 GMT
Just did this in another thread lol.Its actually a quote from Mother Teresa. |
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Post by banger on Feb 22, 2010 13:09:03 GMT
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Post by banger on Feb 23, 2010 22:46:23 GMT
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Tim Vine
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. Bill Cosby
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 24, 2010 17:20:16 GMT
Clever Signs
We've all read about the funny signs with inadvertent mistakes from around the world. But try these:
At a car lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.
At a tyre repair shop: Invite us to your next blowout.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.
In front of a car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
At a towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a used car lot: Second-hand cars in first crash condition.
At an auto body shop: May we have the next dents?
On a caravan trailer: I go where I'm towed to.
On a music teacher's door: Out Chopin.
At a music store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
On the door of a music library: Bach in a min-u-et.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
Outside a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.
On the menu of a restaurant: Blackened bluefish
Outside a hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
In a counselor's office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
In a dentist's office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
In a podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
A church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
At a gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
At a beauty parlour: Dye now!
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
At a hardware store: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
In the window of an appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
At a maternity clothes shop: We are open on Labor Day.
On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
On a plumbing company's trucks: Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
On a scientist's door: Gone Fission
On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.
On an established dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
On the door of a computer store: Out for a quick byte.
Outside an antique shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
Sign at the psychic's hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.
(Patel & Co. Plumbing in London): You've tried the cowboys, now try the Indians.
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Post by banger on Feb 25, 2010 10:30:37 GMT
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Post by liz on Feb 25, 2010 10:49:22 GMT
The last two are very good. ;D
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Post by makingitslowly on Feb 25, 2010 12:38:46 GMT
In the words of John Travolta- "God damn what a rush!" |
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Post by banger on Feb 25, 2010 23:23:16 GMT
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Post by banger on Feb 27, 2010 8:25:21 GMT
Read Very Carefully  |
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Post by banger on Feb 27, 2010 20:46:27 GMT
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Post by banger on Feb 28, 2010 18:10:35 GMT
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Post by banger on Mar 1, 2010 14:01:01 GMT
Lesser Known Laws
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com
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Post by Kimmy on Mar 1, 2010 14:13:04 GMT
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special'
Was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three pounds and forty-nine pence
Because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?'
My wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
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Post by banger on Mar 1, 2010 20:07:05 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Mar 2, 2010 11:11:52 GMT
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. >> >> He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' >> >> As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. >> >> The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. >> >> Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' >> >> As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and ask ed 'What is it you're waiting for?' >> >> She answered . . . . ... >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> 'THE TEETH'.  |
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Post by Kimmy on Mar 2, 2010 11:14:31 GMT
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check . Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.' >> >> 'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! >> >> 'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!' >> >> When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. >> >> The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!' >> >> To which the parrot replied, >> 'Get him Spike!'  |
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Post by banger on Mar 4, 2010 18:17:15 GMT
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or 
(mostly 
