Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[Kimmy]

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman
> told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough
> motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the
> largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head
> and said, 'Madam, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was
> larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two...'
>
> We haven't used Garador repair since.
> Happened in Moor Park, Nr Watford UK

[Kimmy]

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call
> the local town council office to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING"
> sign on our road. She said the reason was: 'Too many deer are being hit by
> cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing
> anymore.'
>
> Story from Potters Bar, Herts., UK

[Kimmy]

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She
> asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was
> sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
>
> From South Oxley Herts., UK

[Kimmy]

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish
> airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
> your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
> would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
>
> Happened Luton Airport ... UK

[Kimmy]

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
> street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.
> She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
> blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth
> are blind people doing driving?!'
>
> She is a Local County Councillor

[Kimmy]

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick
> up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
> service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
> drivers' side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
> tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I
> announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
>
> His reply: 'I know. I have already done that side.'
>
> This was at Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK.

[Kimmy]

According to medical science every time you you expel poisonous gas from your body and add 10 minutes to your life. The wife says I should live forever.

[Kimmy]

A coach party were out for the day, stopped off at a refreshment
> halt in Hertfordshire and queued up for tea and coffee. One group asked for
> "Six decaffeinated please."
>
> To which the girl replied: "Sorry, we only do coffee!"
>
> Story from Luton Probus.

[banger]

Dealing with Snow
ôOne winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ..........................'

Then the power dies.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, 'Norm, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice that some men who have been married for years exhibit, Norman says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'

[Kimmy]

On the outskirts of town,
there was a big old pecan tree
by the cemetery fence.


One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them.


One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was.
"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord
dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He jumped back on his bike and rode off.


Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard.
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered,
"Boy, you've been tellin' the truth,
let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the gate,
yet were still unable to see anything.



The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the gate tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.


At last they heard,
"One for you, one for me. And one last one for you.
That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the gate, and we'll be done."
They say, the old guy made it back to town before the boy!

[Kimmy]

They keep telling us to look after our neighbours during the cold spell. My nearest neighbour an 84 year old woman who lives alone 2 miles away has never walked over once to see if I need anything. I drove past her house yesterday and the idle thing has not taken the milk in since Boxing day.

[banger]

Jan 11, 2010 10:11:32 GMT Kimmy said:

They keep telling us to look after our neighbours during the cold spell. My nearest neighbour an 84 year old woman who lives alone 2 miles away has never walked over once to see if I need anything. I drove past her house yesterday and the idle thing has not taken the milk in since Boxing day.
Still the same Horrible Man then!

[Kimmy]

Moses and Jesus are part
of a Threesome
playing golf one day.
Moses pulls up to the tee
and drives a long one.
The ball lands on the fairway,
but rolls directly toward a water trap.
Quickly, Moses raises his club,
the water parts,
and the ball rolls to the other side,
safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee
and hits a nice long one
directly toward the same water trap.
It lands right in the center of the pond
and kind of hovers over the water.
Jesus casually walks out on the water
and chips the ball
right up onto the green.

Then, the third guy gets up
and sort of randomly whacks the ball.
It heads out over the fence
and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree.
From there, it bounces onto the roof
of a shack close by
and rolls down into the gutter,
down the drain spout,
out onto the fairway and straight
toward the fore mentioned pond.

On the way to the pond,
the ball hits a little stone
and bounces out over the water
and onto a lily pad,
where it comes quietly to rest.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog
jumps on the lily pad
and snatches the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swoops down,
grabs the frog and flies away.
As they pass over the green,
the frog squeals with fright
and drops the ball,
which bounces right into the hole
for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers,
"Do you think your Dad would teach me that shot?"

[Kimmy]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[Kimmy]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE 'EM!

[Kimmy]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border
on his bicycle.
He's got two large bags over
his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says,
"What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says,
"We'll just see about that ~
get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags
and rips them apart;
he empties them out and
finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight
and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that
there is nothing in the bags.

The guard releases Juan,
puts the sand into new bags,
hefts them onto the man's shoulders,
and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination
and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan,
who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated
every week for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day
and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard,
"I know you are smuggling something.
It's driving me crazy.
It's all I think about.
I can't sleep.
Just between you and me,
what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says,
"Bicycles."

[Kimmy]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10,
who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that,
if any mischief occurred in their town,
their sons were probably involved.


The boys' mother heard that a
clergyman in town
had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning,
with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question
in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more
and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room,
ran directly home and dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet,
he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.
God is missing - and they think WE did it.!"

[banger]

These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Kimmy]

Subject: Fw: Bacteria
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and
>> those who don't.
>>
>> As Ben Franklin said:
>> In wine there is wisdom,
>> In beer there is freedom,
>> In water there is bacteria.
>>
>> In a number of carefully controlled trials,
>> scientists have demonstrated
>> that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at
>> the end of the year we
>> would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
>> Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -
>> bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are
>> consuming 1 kilo of poop.
>>
>> However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking
>> wine & beer
>> (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
>> because alcohol has to
>> go through a purification process of boiling,
>> filtering and/or fermenting.
>> Remember:
>> Water = Poop,
>> Wine = Health.
>> Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk
>> stupid,
>> than to drink water and be full of xxxx.
>>
>> There is no need to thank me for this valuable
>> information: I'm doing it as a public service.
>>

[Kimmy]

" BRA SIZES"

Have you ever wondered why A. B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, GG, AND H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

A = ALMOST BOOBS
B = BARELY THERE
C = CAN'T COMPLAIN
D = DAMN
DD = DOUBLE AND DAMN
E = ENORMOUS
F = FLIPPING HELL
G = GOD DAMN
GG = GOT TO GRAB
H = HELP ME I'VE FALLEN AND CANT GET UP.

[Kimmy]

Confucius Says:
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>>
>> Man who run in
>>
>> Front of car get tired.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who run behind
>>
>> Car get exhausted.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man with one
>>
>> Chopstick go hungry.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who scratch butt
>>
>> Should not bite fingernails.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who eat many
>>
>> Prunes get good run for money.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Baseball is wrong.
>>
>> Man with four balls cannot walk.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>>
>>
>> War does not
>>
>>
>> Determine who is right. War determine who is
>>
>> Left.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>>
>>
>> Wife who put
>>
>> Husband in doghouse soon find him in
>>
>> Cathouse.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>>
>>
>> Man who fight with
>>
>> Wife all day get no piece at night.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>>
>>
>> It take many nails
>>
>> To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>>
>>
>> Man who drive like
>>
>> Hell, bound to get there.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>>
>>
>> Man who live in
>>
>> Glass house should change clothes in
>>
>> Basement.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>>
>>
>> Man who fish in
>>
>> Other man's well often catch crabs.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>>
>>
>> Crowded elevator
>>
>> Smell different to midget.
>>

[Kimmy]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
>> >
>> > The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
>> >
>> > 'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
>> >
>> > 'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
>> >
>> > 'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
>> >
>> > 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
>> >
>> > 'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
>> >
>> > The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
>> >
>> > So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
>> >
>> > The same thing happens for two weeks.
>> >
>> > Then one day the circus comes to town.
>> >
>> > The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
>> >
>> > 'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'
>> >
>> > So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
>> >
>> > 'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
>> >
>> > 'At the circus,' says the barman.
>> >
>> > 'The circus?' repeats the duck.
>> >
>> > 'That's right,' replies the barman.
>> >
>> > 'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
>> >
>> > 'Yeah,' the barman replies.
>> >
>> > 'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
>> >
>> > 'Of course,' the barman replies.
>> >
>> > 'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
>> >
>> > 'That's right!' says the barman.
>> >
>> > The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
>> > .
>> >
>> > .
>> >
>> >
>> > .
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > .
>> >
>> >
>> > .
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 'What they would they want with a plasterer??!'
>>

[Kimmy]

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot,
who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times,
long ago having figured out the magic behind the magician's disappearing acts.

The parrot got bored,
his owner growing stale and not developing
any new tricks that the parrot couldn't figure out.

One night in the middle of the magician's performance,
the ship hit an iceberg and sank.
Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot.
The magician managed to swim to a piece of
wreckage and climb aboard,
immediately collapsing from exhaustion.

Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician,
perched on the edge of the makeshift raft
and stared at the magician.
And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious,
and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him.
Eventually the magician started to stir.
Looking up, he saw the parrot,
still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks,
"Awright, I give up. What did you do with the ship?

[Kimmy]

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting;
so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did!
What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...



and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there,



the guy behind me started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window
and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!



There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a
"sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat
what that meant, he said that it was probably
a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii;
so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...
why even he was enjoying this religious experience!



A couple of the people were so caught up
in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning,
and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad
that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared;
so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign
one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[Kimmy]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.

I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word it's ten dollars! "


Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."



Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but like Martha always said, ten dollars is ten dollars."

[banger]

Perks of Old Age


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.}

[banger]

[banger]

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

[banger]

Valentines

Twinkle Twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.

--------------------

Roses are red, Violets are blue

monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too

not in cage but laughing at you.

--------------------

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .

He saw me in dark, he created light .

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

--------------------

The rain makes all things beautiful.

The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful

why doesn't it rain on you?

--------------------

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.

I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. then

I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack.

[banger]