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Post by Kimmy on Jun 30, 2016 17:42:39 GMT
A Polish fighter ace was being interviewed by Michael Parkinson who said,when you were in the Battle of Britain you must have some tales to tell us ? Polish guy says,Ja Michael,we were flying over Biggin Hill one day when we saw fockers in front of us,fockers to the right of us and fockers to the left of us. Parkie quickly interrupts to say,during WW2 the Focker was a type of German fighter aircraft for the benefit of the viewers. Ja,says the figher ace,but these fockers were Messerschmidts !
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Post by Kimmy on Jun 30, 2016 17:46:43 GMT
As a rule, I don't usually circulate these "please add your name to show
support" appeals that appear in emails,
BUT this one is very important.
It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million
people.
Please keep it going!
To show your support for Jeremy Corbyn, just go to the end of the list and
add your name.
1. Mrs. Corbyn.
2.
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Post by Kimmy on Jul 12, 2016 8:49:39 GMT
Three bodies turn up at a mortuary all with smiles on their faces. The attending officer asks coroner "why are they all smiling?"
The coroner replies,"first guy died of a heart attack after winning the lottery,hence his smile...second guy left £100,000 spent it on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning....hence his smile but the third guy was unusual'.
Paddy from Belfast struck by lightning".The officer asks,"why was he smiling?"
The coroner replies,"because he thought he was having his photo taken "
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Post by Kimmy on Jul 25, 2016 20:31:31 GMT
I just got back home to find four Police Officers in my house looking for something, acting like lunatics!!!!! Even through underwear, which was rather embarrassing!!! They checked under the air-conditioner and inside my bed mattress tearing it apart!! When I asked if they had a search warrant, they answered completely hysterically: "Where did you hide it?  We know it's here somewhere!!!!" At least 1000 possibilities went through my mind,,, but I thought I'll let them search for whatever they are looking for. Let's see if and what they will find! Approximately a half hour later I watched one of the Police officers look at his mobile phone and then he shouted: " Stop it! We are in the wrong house!!!! Pokémon is next door" ****!!! |
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Post by Kimmy on Sept 20, 2016 18:22:58 GMT
HOW THE JEWS GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS...
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better
>And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Jamaicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Jamaicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested.
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 3, 2016 17:42:00 GMT
Chaps, I know of a guy from an Insurer that has two tickets for the 2016 Ryder Cup at Hazeltine.
He has box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation. He didn't realise when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding .
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St John's Church, Worcester, on Saturday at 14.15 hrs. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the white dress.
Ian.
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 6, 2016 10:21:29 GMT
Whenever I'm driving near a van with a mobile phone number on the signwriting I always phone it and wait for them to answer.
Then I switch on my siren.
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 6, 2016 10:21:59 GMT
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 9, 2016 15:13:50 GMT
Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax?
If you do, please give me a shout.
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 12, 2016 9:47:41 GMT
I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.
My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 12, 2016 9:49:32 GMT
Breaking news!!!
ne ws
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 12, 2016 9:51:03 GMT
My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...
Guess, I won't be needing those anymore.
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 27, 2016 20:48:45 GMT
Mary Poppins was travelling home one evening, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from the menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please,"
Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, Shame about the eggs though....they really weren't nice at all," replied Mary.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book?
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book, and then left to continue her journey home.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to read her comment
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!"
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 27, 2016 20:50:26 GMT
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way. The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"
One of the ladies replies, "Hello Mr. Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn't you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?"
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, "Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?"
The lady, taken back, replies, "Well.. No... I thought..."
He interrupts her, "Did you also know my sister's husband left her and their two kids without a penny?"
Still stuttering she replies, "Um... Oh my...."
"And my brother lost his legs in the war," The lawyer continues. At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren't saying a word. Then he finishes, "If they don't get a cent, do you expect to?"
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Post by Kimmy on Oct 28, 2016 19:10:24 GMT
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 7, 2016 13:28:01 GMT
Murphy lived alone out in the countryside with only his pet dog for company.
One day the dog died.
Murphy went to the parish priest and said, 'Father, me old dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot hold services for animals in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they might believe. Maybe they'll do something for your old hound.'
Murphy said, 'I'll go right away, Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus ! Why didn't yez tell me the dog was Catholic?'
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 7, 2016 13:31:42 GMT
My mate called me today and told me he'd got fired from his job at the undertakers.I asked him why?
and he said it was because he kept asking the customers if they wanted "Smoking or Non-Smoking"
I said "That's a bit harsh... but to be fair, the correct phrase is Cremation or Burial!!"
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 9, 2016 13:12:48 GMT
Woman walks into Specsavers
I'm returning the glasses I bought for my husband last week.
He's still not seeing things my way!
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 23, 2016 22:02:21 GMT
2 Chinese men break into a Distillery; one turns to the other and says
"Is this whisky?"
other replies
"Yes, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 23, 2016 22:04:44 GMT
I asked the trainer at my local gym, what kind of machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women?
He replied"A Cash Machine? "
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 23, 2016 22:05:29 GMT
Last night while I was out the local peeping tom knocked on my door........... and asked the wife to shut her blinds .
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 24, 2016 19:35:33 GMT
People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
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Post by Kimmy on Dec 22, 2016 17:41:20 GMT
Penny, a blonde city girl, marries a Yorkshire dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Penny, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Penny takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall,' Penny explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ...... 'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 8, 2017 13:25:17 GMT
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 8, 2017 13:25:42 GMT
I saw an advert in the paper, 'Are You An Alcoholic? - Phone This Number'
So, I did. Turned out to be Bargain Booze.
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 8, 2017 13:26:17 GMT
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 8, 2017 13:27:12 GMT
My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.
He's got back issues.
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 8, 2017 13:28:02 GMT
That strange moment when you walk through a big spider web and instantly turn into a karate master.
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 8, 2017 13:28:46 GMT
The rain was pouring down. Standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me"
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth" says the old man.....
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Post by Kimmy on Feb 9, 2017 20:51:03 GMT
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
LATER.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
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We know it's here somewhere!!!!" At least 1000 possibilities went through my mind,,, but I thought I'll let them search for whatever they are looking for. Let's see if and what they will find!