Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[Kimmy]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
>
> When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
>
> One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when
you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
>
> Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
>
> Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
>
> At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
>
> "Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
>
> "Mike--it's me, Joe."
>
> "You're not Joe. Joe just died."
>
> "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
>
> "Joe! Where are you?"
>
> "In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
>
> "Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
>
> "The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're
all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
>
> "That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
>
> So what's the bad news?"
>
> "You're in the team for this Saturday."
>
>

[Kimmy]

HANDYMAN HUSBAND


Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:
"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN"


Husband texts back:
"GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER"


Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW.

[Kimmy]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to
visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them
about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the
people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, little Sasha
puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians
take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says
"Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and
the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more
questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four
questions"
"My questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we
sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?
And where is Sasha?"

[Kimmy]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress, thinking this was a bit risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said,

"No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[Kimmy]

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “F***ing Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”

[Kimmy]

IN RESPONSE TO ALL RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:
PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.
YES, HE BIT TWO PEOPLE WEARING BURKAS:
TEN PEOPLE WEARING TURBANS,
TWENTY PEOPLE WEARING JEREMY CORBYN T-SHIRTS, TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC
BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES, FOUR JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES, TWO MORMONS, NINE
TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS, THREE MUSLIMS AND A
PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.
FOR THE LAST TIME. . .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE

[Kimmy]

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,
when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "Search." Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, "Good boy!", and he turned to the man and said,
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, "Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to "Search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back
to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poo all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman,
"What's going on?"
The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."

[Kimmy]

o
Subject: British Humor




British humour as it used to be: absolutely politically incorrect
..........................................................................................................................................................

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.


Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.


Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements


Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English.. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.


Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!


Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
============================================


During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
=============================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
=============================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.
=============================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
=============================================

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah." To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
______________________________________

[Kimmy]

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next
month that the Immigration Department will start
deporting senior citizens by bus (instead of illegals) in order to lower
pensions and healthcare costs (flu jabs, walkers,
wheelchairs, free prescriptions, bus passes, etc.)

The Government has established that older people are easier to
catch and, in most cases, will not remember how
to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you - maybe I'd never see
you again..


Then it dawned on me...





I WILL SEE YOU ON THE BUS.

[Kimmy]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you f@rted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth .

[Kimmy]

Out of the mouths of babes.....

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
_(Logic!! Children are quick and always speak their minds.)_
_____________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_____________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_(I love this child.)_
_____________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir; It's the same dog.
_(I want to adopt this kid!!!)_
........................................
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

[Kimmy]

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."

[Kimmy]

It was one of the best moments of married life when my son finally found out Father Christmas wasn't real.

I overheard him telling his sister in her bedroom, "It's actually our parents who do it!"

My daughter said, "But I can't believe dad would do that?!"

Then he said these beautiful words and earned himself that new bike:

"It's not dad, it can't be. Mum's the only one fat enough, with a beard."

[Kimmy]

I just received an audit on my
> tax return for 2016 back from the Tax Office and it puzzles
> me!!!
> They are questioning how many dependents I
> claimed.
> I guess it was because of my response to the
> question, "List all your
> dependants?"
> I replied, "100,000 Muslim immigrants we
> provide everything for; 10,000 crack heads in rehab; 1
> million plus
> unemployed people on the
> dole and not looking for work, 25,000 people in prison,
> 3,000 boat people who just arrived for a holiday, 535
> persons in the Parliament !!!!
> They told me that this was NOT the correct
> answer.
> SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO THE xxxx
> DID I MISS"?

[Kimmy]

Murphy drops a slice buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe
that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the church to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
He won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious, someone has dropped some buttered toast on
the floor and then they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It must be miracle.
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle.
I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it.
He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."
After 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,
Quite outside the natural laws of the universe.
Yet the Holy Ones must be very cautious before ruling a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared that it is 'No Miracle'

They think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side.

[Kimmy]

I took my granddad to one of those fancy health spas where all the thousands of tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.
It cost me £35 but was much cheaper than a funeral.

[Kimmy]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.

She wrote to the first son: "Milton, the house you built is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son: "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes and the driver is so rude."

She wrote to the third son: "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[Kimmy]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain
to follow. 'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb. 'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!' One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!

[Kimmy]

Paddy is booking into a guest house and looking around Reception, notices a sign on the wall.He says to the owner, "What time do YOU get in by?"The owner looks confused and says, "Well, I am the owner, I live here. Why do you ask?"Paddy says, "Well, on that sign there, it says guests have to be in before you!"The owner says, "No, you thick git! It says: "Guests must be in before 1 am!!"

[Kimmy]

My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

[BC]

May 24, 2016 16:12:35 GMT Kimmy said:

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain
to follow. 'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb. 'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!' One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!

[Kimmy]

My Chinese friend just told me he's opened a Crows Shop.
I said you mean Clothes shop.
No he said its a Crows shop.
I said oh ok I might pop in and have a Rook

[Kimmy]

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

‘Look Paddy ... there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

[Kimmy]

I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Fun Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then off we go.........

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom, It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "British National Party school of diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for the  wifes birthday. Bound to end in tears though;..... she's crap at snooker.

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly

[BC]

THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes
left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his
first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were
2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and
assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.

Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some
buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.

'It's your fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

[BC]

And the winner of the "Coolest Headstone" competition is...

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE

1. It is important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.

2. It is important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It is important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.

5. It is essential that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[Kimmy]

I was in Asda earlier and i was standing behind a young Polish couple at the check out, and i heard the cashier say to them "do you want help with your packing" i thought that's a bit harsh we only voted to come out the EU yesterday

[Kimmy]

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

I said "8 or 9 at least."

"Out of 10?" she smiled. "That's very flattering."

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.

[BC]

Apology from an Irish Hospital:

DEAR MR. MURPHY,

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.

[Kimmy]

When interviewed today Sir Bobby Charlton was asked "how would the 1966 team have fared against Iceland"- We would have won 1-0, "only one nil!!"....well remember,we are well into our 70s.