Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[Kimmy]

Two guys in their 90s are discussing the trials of old age. The first one is particularly agitated by constipation saying that he often doesn't go for a week and that when he does go he is on the bog for three hours. His friend says that regular as clockwork his bowels move at half seven each morning - if only sighs his constipated friend. Ain't all that great, comes the reply, I don't wake up until quarter to eight.

[Kimmy]

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house
and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same
bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called
sexual intercourse,. It's called Bunk Beds ,
And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'

[Kimmy]

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. “As a matter of fact, he's heading off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”

[Kimmy]

Number One Idiot, so far in 2014

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..


Number Two Idiot so far in2014

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.


Number Three Idiot so far in 2014

A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and
crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from
his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ...
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
the Bank of Queensland. Happened in Noosa!


Number Four Idiot so far in 2014

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with
his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two
hours later.


Number Five Idiot so far in 2014

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him..

Number Six Idiot so far in 2014

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The
brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
videotape.. Perth WA ...


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne ...

[Kimmy]

Last week an elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of

Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional,

the man said:



"Father, during World

WW II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our

neighbourhood knocked urgently on my

door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.

So I hid her in my attic."

The

priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did my son,

and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with

sexual favours.This happened several

Times a week, and sometimes twice on

Sundays."



The priest said, "That was a long time ago, and

by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great

danger, but two people under those

circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions,

you are indeed Forgiven."



"Thank you,

Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

“And

what is that?” asked the priest.



“Should I tell her the war is over?”

[Kimmy]

I failed the entrance exam to join the Magic Circle. I'm going to appeal though because there were so many trick questions.

[Kimmy]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners will find it is best to just lease one, and replace it in a few years.

[Kimmy]

Subject: Wabbits To: A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."

[Kimmy]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
The ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and
Pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
Asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
A salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
Places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
In your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

[Kimmy]

The home phone rings and 'the wife' answers.


A pervert, with heavy breathing, says:
I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair.

The woman replies: Why Yes, I have.

He's watching TV... Whom shall I say is calling?

[Kimmy]

he body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
'What a Great chest you have!'





He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'



He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'






The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'




He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.



The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.









The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

[Kimmy]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little xxxx is adorable.

[BC]

[Kimmy]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year"

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked















"Will I be acquitted?"

[BC]

Nov 4, 2015 11:13:51 GMT Kimmy said:

"Will I be acquitted?"

---

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband
reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I
have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful
to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've
been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always
for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good
reasons?' "

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we
were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the
mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and
the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you
for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went
to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at
no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of
course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for
president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"

[Kimmy]

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second was named May.
.....What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
......What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?



4. How much dirt is there in a hole....that measures two feet by three feet by four feet ?

5. What word in the English language
.....is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
......How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
.....Why not?

8. What was the President's name
...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,
.....and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
......how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children.. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?
Answer: Johnny of course
2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.
3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.


5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ... ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11.. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Impossibilities in the world

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

[Kimmy]

A Russian woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily in his home town.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)







What were you Thinking?


Her husband speaks English... hellooo!

I worry about you Sometimes!

[BC]

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian,
a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Pakistani,
a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian,
an Armenian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian,
a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian,
an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went
to a night club....................................

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai".

[Kimmy]

Bob was about to marry Caroline when his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.' When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Bob took his father's advice and as soon as he got Caroline alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Caroline and told her to put them on. Caroline said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Bob. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'

Caroline paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Bob. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Bob.
'Exactly,' replied Caroline. 'And if you don't change your attitude, you never will.

[Kimmy]

I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

[Kimmy]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

[Kimmy]

feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

[Kimmy]

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over the local pub.

"Why the local pub" asked the preacher.

"Then I'll be sure my children will visit me every day" she replied.

[Kimmy]

A brass band was engaged to play in the local park. Their contract said that they could pack up and go home if there was no audience, but if just one person was watching, they would have to play their entire one-hour programme. The band began to play, the sun was shining, and there were 80 people sitting in deckchairs enjoying the music. Within ten minutes, the heavens opened, the wind gusted, and the audience ran to take shelter...all except one man. The concert continued. Rain was lashing into the faces of the musicians, their sheet music were being blown away...but one man stubbornly remained seated.

At the end of the concert, the sodden conductor approached the man and said: 'You must really love brass band music'. The man replied: 'Not really, but I had to wait until you finished playing because it's my job to put the deckchairs away.'

[Kimmy]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.ub

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[Kimmy]

I was sat on the toilet the other night, straining really hard with all my might, when suddenly, there was a loud POP and everything when dark.

"Honey are you OK!?" Called my wife from the other room. "There's been a powercut!"

"Thank God for that!" I shouted back.

"I thought my eyeballs had burst !"

[Kimmy]

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun
advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.



The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!


"What a feat!" said he Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened
a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish!* *Swish! the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.





"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. 'How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"


The Jewish Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.
But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."



scroll down













"Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy... but circumcised?"

[Kimmy]

AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH

AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.

THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.

THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.

THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" .

SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.

THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. "

THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."

[BC]

Thought for the day:
Why is the word "dyslexia" so difficult to spell?

[Kimmy]

THE WIFE: "You are always blaming your mistakes on anyone but yourself"

ME: "And whose fault is that I wonder?"