Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[banger]

Hanging Christmas Lights
Things Not To Say When Hanging The Lights Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?

Page Six's Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things.)

We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
... "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

... "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

... "What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

... "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

... "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

... "Give me that."

... "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

... "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done, period!"

... "You've just wound 'em around and around -- I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

... "Have you been drinking?"

... "Where's the cat?"

[Kimmy]

> Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
>
> The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
>
> The blondes all nodded.
>
> The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
>
> You must be able to notice things such as

Distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," He said,

"did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said,

"Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said,

"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,

"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,

"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?

This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,

"This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,

"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said,

"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,"You're absolutely right!

His bio says he wears contacts!

How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only
One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[Kimmy]

My mates a bus driver and was taking a bus load of pensioners on a trip. During the journey a little old lady tapped him on the shoulder and handed him some nuts which he thanked her for and duly ate. This happened a few more times during the journey when finally my mate said to the little old lady "Love, why dont you just eat the nuts yourself?" to which she replied "Cause i aint got any teeth, cant chew em" to which he replied "Why did you buy them?" to which she replied, "i love sucking the chocolate off em!!"

[banger]

You may have read this before and I forgot
So stop reading after the title (it saves time)

Remember When... Anonymous

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend.
A gig was a job for the night.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a three-inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut, you did with a pocket knife.
Paste, you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

[BC]

Making the headlines...

The man who said he'd only be happy when he was dead, jumped in front of a steam train today and was chuffed to bits.

---

Also in the news is the dwarf that was pick pocketed.
Police are wondering how anyone could stoop so low.

---

[BC]

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices one of the boys playing soccer is standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f****** goal keeper !!"

[BC]

Christmas Cracker Jokes?

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

[banger]

Out Of The Mouths Of Men
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."


"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."


"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"


"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.


"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."


"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. I JUST HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was busy admiring that redhead over there."


"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"


"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."


"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."


"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."


"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."


"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."


"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"


"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."


"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."


"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."


"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[banger]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[BC]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN...
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4.. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[banger]

[BC]

The last 10 pence...

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

[banger]

Ten Ways To Terrorize A Telemarketer


When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."


If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.


Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.


If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"


If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.


Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.


After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.


Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"


Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"


And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

[ Author Unknown --

[BC]

Mar 2, 2011 7:11:27 GMT banger said:

...

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

I will try that one!

[banger]

The Senility Prayer -- Getting Older


God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' here are 16 things I've discovered:
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.


I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.


Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...


All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.


If all is not lost, where is it?


It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.


Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.


I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...


It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.


If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.


When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?


It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.



I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE OR NOT, AND DOUBT IF YOU CAN EITHER.

[Kimmy]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA.

The husband picks up a case of lager and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans

'Put them back, we can't afford them', demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,'

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of lager
and it's only half the fricking price.

[Kimmy]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I’d like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Kimmy]

What do you call the first Afghan illegal immigrant off the boat?
Amhere!


What do you call the second illegal immigrant Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!


What do you call the third illegal immigrant Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim!

[Kimmy]

Shelly walks into Walmart.
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her 'little woops'
and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her -
Good looking as well!

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities
one would expect of a professional in a store like Walmart.

He politely greets the lady with,
'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable,
but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little "incident".
she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers,
"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to xxxx yourself when I tell you the price!"

[Kimmy]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE


AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.


I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.


COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO
OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.



AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

"YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! " HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED,



"IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT



UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED....

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?!!"

[Kimmy]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'




An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen..
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guysare out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'




One more. . .......!
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Kimmy]

A man is stuck in a three mile traffic jam on the Motorway and a man knocks on his window and says:



“Terrorists have captured David Cameron, Ed Milliband, Nick Clegg, a gang of MPs, together with Jonathon Ross, Frankie Boyle, as well as Big Brother celebrities and are demanding a £10,000,000 ransom, otherwise, they will douse them with petrol and set fire to them, so we are having a collection”



The man says: “Just how much, on average, is everybody giving?”

#

#

#

#

#



About a gallon!

[Kimmy]

Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as
Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs
such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV..........
Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the
system.
I've tried
running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate



Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You
Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as
designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications
Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application
can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program.
These
are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better
running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional
software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot
Lingerie.

Good Luck,


Tech Support

[Kimmy]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:










'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:








'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...

[Kimmy]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£60,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.

They're asking £980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

[Kimmy]

WAL-MART INTERVIEW

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm..let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man
'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response....
'Oh sure', said Louie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already xxxx my pants.'
Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

[Kimmy]

Extracts from letters written to local councils:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.
My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more

[Kimmy]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.




The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'



The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.

'Go get your Mother.'

[BC]

Mar 11, 2011 8:33:31 GMT Kimmy said:

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.

'Go get your Mother.'

And the council letter extracts... I've read them before some years ago, but I am in tears of laughter all over again. Wonderful stuff!

[banger]

Wise Sayings
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.


People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.


Anything free is worth what you pay for it.


If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.


In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.


Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.


You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.


One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.


The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.


Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.


You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.


Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Author Unknown