Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[Kimmy]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She
administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken.

[Kimmy]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

[Kimmy]

SMARTASS ANSWERS


6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied. (Typical British Airways attitude)



5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'





4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'





3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.





2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'





SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR – 1st Place WINNER

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[Kimmy]

A n elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

A fter many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you
$25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president dropped his pants.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[Kimmy]

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and
yelled,


'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

[Kimmy]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...




But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[Kimmy]

Subject: Why do we love childre

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She
was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents .'


3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The
little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter,
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued
writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well,
then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please
tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you
got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found
her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear
that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had
found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed,
they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and
made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes.'


10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my
time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Adam 's underwear!'


NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

[Kimmy]

The Best Divorce Letter, everrrr!


My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to Invercargill together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the 20 million dollar Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.

[Kimmy]

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6.. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.


The Answers:


1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,

Died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,

Went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,

Was released from prison
To die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,

Died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
The Bank of International Settlement,

Shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,

Also committed suicide

However,

In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
And the winner of the most important golf tournament,
The US Open,
Was

Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
Died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
At the time of his death.

The Moral:

Bugger work.
Play golf.

[Kimmy]

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of your you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[Kimmy]

Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start again without going any further.

This is this puzzle
This is is puzzle
This is how puzzle
This is to puzzle
This is keep puzzle
This is an puzzle
This is idiot puzzle
This is busy puzzle
This is for puzzle
This is forty puzzle
This is seconds! puzzle

When you have done it scroll down for further instructions. Do not scroll down until you have completed it.














































Answer: Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.

[Kimmy]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

[Kimmy]

A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Internal Revenue
determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an
investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!", demanded
the investigator.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
three years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week
plus free room and board."

"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 a week.
He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey
every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ...the halfwit!" said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

[Kimmy]

Maybe it's true that LIFE BEGINS AT FIFTY

But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.




There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory.
The other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.


Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.




Statistics show that at the age of seventy,
there are five women to every man.
Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when
the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.




By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.




Of course I'm against sin;
I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What must hell possibly be like?
Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned
to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.




Middle age is having a choice of two temptations
and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize
that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means
I don't need to take a laxative.




Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down
if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means
you find your car in the parking lot.





You're getting old when you're sitting
in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent,
and you don't know until the 4th of July.




You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.





It's hard to be nostalgic when
you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when
you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

[Kimmy]

KIMMY GOES TO THE DOCTOR


KIMMY,
an 82 year-old man,




went to the doctor
to get a physical.







A few days later,
the doctor saw KIMMY
walking down the street
with a gorgeous
young lady on his arm.







A couple of days later
the doctor spoke
to KIMMY and said,
"You're really doing great,
aren't you?"








KIMMY replied,
"Just doing
what you said, Doctor:






'Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful'."






The doctor said,
"I didn't say that...





I said,
you've got
a heart murmur.





Be careful."

[Kimmy]

KIMMY decides that he wants
to go horseback riding,
and even though he has had no lessons
or any other prior experience riding,
he thinks it shouldn't be
all that much too difficult to do.



So, after selecting what appears
to be one of the more gentle of
the horses tied up to the hitching posts,
he mounts it, unassisted.



Then, holding tightly on the animals reins,
and without any further consequence,
he leans forward in the saddle as
his horse swings immediately into motion.





It galloped along,
at a seeming steady and rhythmic pace,
but soon the amateur rider slowly
begins to slip from the saddle.



In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane,
but cannot seem to get a firm enough grip...
He tries throwing his arms around the horse's neck,
all to no avail...



Soon he begins to slide still even further
from the saddle and down the horse's side.



The horse continues to gallop along,
seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider's plight.



Finally, in near exhaustion,
he reluctantly gives up his frail grip...



With all his remaining strength,
he desperately attempts to leap away
from the horse and,
in one final last ditch attempt,
he tries to reach safety.



Unfortunately, his foot
becomes entangled in the saddle's stirrup
and he's now at the mercy of
the horse's pounding hooves.



His head is struck against the ground and
against the animal's hammering hooves,
again and again.



As his head is battered,
slammed, and beaten,



he realizes that he is mere seconds away
from total unconsciousness and certain death.



When all of a sudden...





The Wal-Mart manager



notices the rider's plight.


So he comes to the rider's rescue
and unplugs



the horse from its electrical outlet...

[Kimmy]

There are two statues in a park;
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.


The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.


The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?'


He asks her 'Shall we?'



She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.





This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you xxxx on its head.'


----------------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

[Kimmy]

98 Years Old and No Enemies

I hope this happens to all of us!
98 and no enemies - human interest story

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight,' she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, 'I outlived the bitches.'

[Kimmy]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[Kimmy]

FLU.

To avoid it you can
Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.


Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.


Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.


Walk for at least an hour a day,


go for a swim,


take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.


Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.


Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.


Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.


Get plenty of rest.
OR

Take the doctor's approach. Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......

I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!

As my grandmother always said,
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the arse!'


Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much

[Kimmy]

You have to love British humor!
> These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:
>
> FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
> 8 years old.
> Hateful little bastard.
> Bites!
>
> FREE PUPPIES.
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
> 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
>
> FREE PUPPIES.
> Mother is a registered German Shepherd.
> Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
>
> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
> Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
> Must sell washer and dryer £100.
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
> Worn once by mistake.
> Call Stephanie.
>
> **** And the WINNER is... ****
>
> FOR SALE BY OWNER.
> Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
> Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
> No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
>
>
> Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Scottish Thinker.
> Billy Connolly -
>
> "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
> have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[Kimmy]

Sweet Tea
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick?"

[Kimmy]

Irish Hunting Trip
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They
Chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting
moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the
Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power
The little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Kimmy]

How come when you mix water and flour together


you get glue?..

and then you add eggs


and sugar...

and you get cake?






Where did the glue go ?


NEED AN ANSWER?


You know darned well where it went!


That's what makes the cake

Stick to your bum and hips

[Kimmy]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

[banger]

The Flatulence Tax
by John O'Neill

A flatulence tax on cattle and sheep,
Another rip-off to make us all weep.
Preserving the ozone at any expense,
It's all propaganda that doesn't make sense.

Abandon the flock and abolish the herd,
When it comes to survival, then nothing's absurd.
But what will we eat for daily protein?
The answer is simple, the mighty baked bean.

So plough in the forage and pastures too
Put paid to the curse of the cattle poo.
Then plant all the land with navy beans,
Belching out gasses from smokey machines.

The resulting erosion will wipe any smiles,
Make the Greenies appear they're suffering piles.
With options so few when it comes to a meal,
And the after affects still part of the deal.

With the whole population gobbling baked beans,
The potential was there for some horrid scenes.
The worst of our fears were about to come true,
The Follies were gobbling their baked beans too.

And adding more fuel to their natural reserve,
The electorate was poised to get its deserve.
Their innards vibrated their faces contorted,
The speaker collapsed and debate was aborted.

Then rising as one from babes to old Granny,
With timing so perfect was almost uncanny.
The whole population let off a great fart,
With a bloody big bang blew the ozone apart.


Email This Poem to a Friend

[Kimmy]

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old .

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[Kimmy]

Some people are complaining that their rubbish has not been collected for 3 weeks. All they have to do is make parcels of it wrapped in Christams paper. Leave it on the back seat of the car. Park the car on a public car park with the doors unlocked, (don't want the locks broken) and you can guarantee all your rubbish will be gone in an hour or so.

[Kevin THFC]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[banger]

Elderly Texting
Texting for the elderly . . . .


BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

ROFL. CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing. Can't Get Up

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

LOL: Living On Lipitor

OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!

OMG: Ouch, My Groin!

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

WTF: What's Today's Fish?

IMHMO: In My HMO.

RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)

FWB: Friend With Betablockers

FYI: For Your Indigestion.

JK: Just Kvetching

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor

SUK: Speak Up, Kid

WIWYA: When I Was Your Age

GOML: Get Off My Lawn