Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[banger]

Guys Rules For Women

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules"From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Men ARE not mind readers.


Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.


Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.


Crying is blackmail.


Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!


Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.


Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.


Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.


If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.


If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ..


You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.


ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.


If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.


If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.


When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.


Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.


You have enough clothes.


You have too many shoes.


I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[banger]

Ten Public Servants
Ten public servants standing in a line,
One of them was downsized - then there were nine.

Nine public servants who must negotiate,
One joined the union - then there were eight.

Eight public servants thought they were in heaven,
'Til one of them was redeployed - then there were seven.

Seven public servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,
But one was reclassified - then there were six.

Six public servants trying to survive,
One of them was privatized - then there were five.

Five public servants ready to give more,
But one golden handshake reduced them to four.

Four public servants full of loyalty,
Their jobs were all advertised - then there were three.

Three public servants under review,
One left on secondment - then there were two.

Two public servants coping on the run,
One went on stress leave - then there was one.

The last public servant agreed to relocate,
Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.
[ Author Unknown

[Kimmy]

Should children witness childbirth? Good question.
Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage , only one paramedic responded to the call. The house
was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a
flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby...
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place.....smack his ass again!'

[BC]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.



The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.



Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"Are you sure about that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind".



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

[banger]

[BC]

Response from the Inland Revenue to a citizen's letter...



Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

[trebor]

Not a joke but had to share, found it while looking at some wine making site with some cooking tips on it.

How to Cook a Crow
Recipe File created January 11, 2000.
This was printed in one of my husband's Bird Club newsletters. Apparently, it is a true story.

The inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.


;D

[banger]

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15, 625 women! One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping. REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac! You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!



source: www.jokebuddha.com/joke/Chain_letter_for_men_2#ixzz1IaK32qvt

[Kimmy]

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is ......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....





















NO, The duck didn't say THAT !



... Don't be SO disgusting!



The duck said....






'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!

[Kimmy]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the
channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Sod to this, I thought, I
can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .
3.1415927 dead
(think about it !!)

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
move.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to
make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the
forms will be printed in English.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking
Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our
country?'

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused
from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to
warn him

[Kimmy]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Kimmy]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house".


Well, she didn't exactly put it like that.


Actually she said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

[Kimmy]

Unbelievable.......
For those who have served on a jury...this one is something to think about...Just when you think you have heard everything!!

Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess.

This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS) President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:


On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a 10-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife.

They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun!

The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded.

The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about 6 weeks prior to the fatal accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now for the exquisite twist...

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the 10 story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.

So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press

[Kimmy]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft
drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there
is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or
will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[Kimmy]

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
cid:[e-mail]

blood plasma.

********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper, whatever the size, can be folded in half
cid:[e-mail]

more than seven (7) times. Oh, go ahead...try it.

****************************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually
cid:[e-mail]

than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your ass! )

************************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping
cid:[e-mail]

than you do watching television.

**************************************************************************

The first product to have a bar code
cid:[e-mail]

was Wrigley's gum.

*************************************************************************

The King of Hearts is the only king
cid:[e-mail]


without a moustache!
***************************************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
cid:[e-mail]
from each salad served in first-class. (I wonder if our gov't. should take note...)
**************************************************************************

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
cid:[e-mail]
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)

(That women are going the 'right' direction...?!)
*********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,
cid:[e-mail]

are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from
cid:[e-mail] cid:[e-mail]
dead skin!

****************************************************************************

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
cid:[e-mail]

So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid
cid:[e-mail]

of mice!

**************************************************************************
Pearls melt
cid:[e-mail]
in vinegar! (Also try putting an egg in vinegar - the shell will go soft)

*********************************************************************

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
cid:[e-mail]
but, not downstairs. (Glad I read this before I took Flora Bell upstairs)
************************************************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
cid:[e-mail]

and no one knows why.

************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
cid:[e-mail]
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

***************************************************
And the best for last....
cid:[e-mail]
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

[Kimmy]

Never Lose Your Grandson!
A heartwarming story.




My small grandson got lost at the mall, he
approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Malt Whisky and women with big tits."

[Kimmy]

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the home-owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'

[Kimmy]

The Sneeze
> A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
> section of an airplane.
>
> The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then
> visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
>
> The man went back to his reading.
>
> A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her
> nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
>
> Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
> about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed
> yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
> shaking even more than before.
>
> Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
> "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
> nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
>
> "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
> whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
>
> The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never
> heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for
> it?"
>
> The woman nodded, "Pepper."
>

[banger]

For Lexophiles (lovers of words)


A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.


What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)


Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.


A backward poet writes inverse.


In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.


If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.


With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.


Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.


When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.


A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.


You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.


A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.


A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.


He had a photographic memory that was never developed.


The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.


Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.


Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


Acupuncture is a jab well done.


Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.


An optometrist fell into a lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.


[ Author Unknown ]

[BC]

They sent my Census form back.

In answer to the question: 'Do you have any dependants?', I put:

"Asylum seekers, smack heads, unemployable bastards, Northern Rock, RBS, Ireland, Portugal and half of Eastern Europe".

Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.

[Kimmy]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant
outside the Social Security Offices.




'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family
and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage,
a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW,
full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl
and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA,
a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said

'Tough luck. Now that you are English,

you're entitled to

sweet bugger all like the rest of us”.

[Kimmy]

PLEASE DON'T FORGET MAY 1st!

WALK NAKED IN BRITAIN DAY

MARK YOUR CALENDARS!


It is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other
than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.

So next May 1st at 1 p.m., all British women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses
to demonstrate their support for the women
and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The British government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

[Kimmy]

A small boy says to his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.

Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

[Kimmy]

Are you are having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.


A postmortem revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.


You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific; the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air..

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading....



Still having a bad day?

Just remember, it could be worse.



The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdes oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.



Still think you're having a bad day?



A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.



STILL think you' re having a bad day?



Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.



What?! STILL having a bad day??



Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.




There now, feelin g better?

[Kimmy]

IDIOT SIGHTING 1

My daughter and I went through the McDonalds take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'

The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

Do not confuse the girls at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING 2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Bromley , Kent UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 3

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Crayford , Kent , UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Gillingham Kent , UK .



IDIOT SIGHTING 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened Luton Airport ....... UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 6

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Dartford Kent, UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 7

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Mechanic "It's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK .

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the

RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!
====================================

[Kimmy]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites
him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a
spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he
disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp
house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with
coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them
both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to
himself, because lions eat anything..



He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is
to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts he is
attacked by the bees. He grabs
the spade and smashes the bees
to a pulp. By now he knows what to do
and shovels them into the lions cage
because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at
the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says "What's the food like here?"



The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant,

today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

[Kimmy]

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.

'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

[BC]

Some clever ones here...

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger'.

22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.. No pun in ten did.

[Kimmy]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all!

Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless.”

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!

[Kimmy]

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car began moving slowly , John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.

John,paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear further down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....



Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'