Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[Kimmy]

Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.

Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him

'Tim what does your father do for a job'

"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men.

If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."

The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.

'No' said Tim "He plays football for England, but I was too embarrassed to say."

[Kimmy]

My Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!

The little bastards .......

[banger]

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

~~~~~

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

~~~~~

Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel, and Fabio had?
They're no longer on a first-name basis.

~~~~~

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.

~~~~~

If you take a shower in the morning be sure to bring it back,
someone else might need it!!

~~~~~

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

~~~~~

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

~~~~~

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

~~~~~

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

~~~~~

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

~~~~~

Just when you think you've hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

~~~~~

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

~~~~~

For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

~~~~~

You know you are over-the-hill when you're just too tired to climb one!

~~~~~

Why is stuff sent on ships called "cargo" and UPS sends "shipments?"

~~~~~

Never criticize your wife's faults.
It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.

~~~~~

For Sale: One computer slightly used. One bullet hole in screen.

~~~~~

If a "fatal" error is made with the E-mail I sent, does that mean I killed somebody?

~~~~~

What's the speed of dark?

~~~~~

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

~~~~~

It's a small world -- unless you gotta walk home.

~~~~~

Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?

~~~~~

I'm going to start thinking positive, but I know it won't work.

~~~~~

At age 66 I'm bisexual. I said bye to sex.

~~~~~

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane.

~~~~~

"It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall."

~~~~~

Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye."

~~~~~

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why isn't it #1?

~~~~~

The other night I laid in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself,
"Where the heck is the roof?"

~~~~~

With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

~~~~~

Help Wanted - Psychic - you know where to apply.

~~~~~

Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

~~~~~

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

~~~~~

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

~~~~~

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

~~~~~

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

~~~~~

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

~~~~~

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically-challenged.

~~~~~

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

~~~~~

The 50-50-90 Rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

~~~~~

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

~~~~~

You can't have everything - where would you put it?

~~~~~

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

~~~~~

The things that come to those that wait
may be the things left by those who got there first.

~~~~~

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

~~~~~

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

~~~~~

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

~~~~~

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use one.

~~~~~

When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.

~~~~~

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

~~~~~

[Kimmy]

A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It was obvious to her that he had his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Grandad was working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy." After another outburst, and she heard the Grandad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror was throwing items out of the trolley, and Grandad said, again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman went outside where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his Grandad." "Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William, the little sod's name is Stephen."

[Kimmy]

Subject: Inner Peace - this really works!


I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in
our lives.



Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.



So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.



Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.


Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

[Kimmy]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"



Passenger: "Who?"



Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like
that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."



Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."



Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."



Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."



Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."



Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."



Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."



Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"



Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
f****ing' widow."

[banger]

[Kimmy]

So, will these new glass coffins be a sucess?

Remains to be seen

[Kimmy]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house keeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Nessie.. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Nessie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nessie, I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Nessie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[Kimmy]

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As the piper was unfamiliar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop for directions ...

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the pastor had apparently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. The bagpiper felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the edge of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played his heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends ...

In fact, he played like he'd never played before for this homeless man, and as he played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, the bagpiper wept, they all wept together. When the piper finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years" ...
_________________

[Kimmy]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

[banger]

AN ENGINEER!....

An Engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks in his records and declares, "Ah, you are an Engineer. You seem to be in the wrong place."

So the Engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the Engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell. Thanks to him, they have air-conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators built and installed. The Engineer is a very popular guy.

One day God calls up the Devil and says, "Hey, how are things going down there?"

The Devil replies, "Things are great. We've got an Engineer and who knows what he'll think of next."

God replies "What?! You've got an engineer?! That's a mistake! Send him up here now!"

Satan says "No way!"

God replies, "If you don't I'll sue!" Satan laughs and answers, "Yeah, right! And where are you gonna get a lawyer?"











GOING DOWN

[banger]

Fools rush in where fools have been before.
It's called "take home" pay because you can't afford to go anywhere else with it.
Success is relative; the greater the success, the more relatives.
If at first you succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
You must have learned from others' mistakes. You haven't had time to think all those up yourself.
People like criticism; just keep it positive and flattering.
It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.
Worry kills more people than work because more people worry than work.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind, and narrowness of the waist, change places.
When you're getting kicked from behind, at least it means you're in front.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

[Kimmy]

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback café with a full-grown emu behind him.


The waitress asks them for their orders.

The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'


'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'


The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..


' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.


My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.


Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the emu?'






The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse, long legs, and who agrees with everything I say.

[Kimmy]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site.


The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.


He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'


To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'


And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'


He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'




So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.


He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'


The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'


Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'


The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'


The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.




Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,




'SUPPLIES!!! !'

[Kimmy]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]



Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson



Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.



Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.



Now the fun part begins.



Take out the literature from the box andread it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'



HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

.........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson &Johnson!!!!!

[banger]

Say What?


Interpretating clues can take forever in a day,
it's a crude doggy-dog-world out there, where no one wants to pay,
And for all intensive purposes you've got to shut your eyes
not to see some take for granite what's a blessing in the skies.

It was in the deadened winter, windshield factor 23,
I was watching Laura Norder, paper view on the TV,
In lame man's turns, the vic was in a bread and breakfast place,
she was found lack toast and tolerant, and lying on her face.

Cops went looking through the chester drawers to find some D and A,
but her undies were beyond approach with just a little fray,
And the true flaw in the ointment, what got everyone annoyed
was a treasure cove of evidence that somehow got destroyed.

Rumor spread like wildflowers that someone dropped the ball,
there were bootprints in the snow outside and leading down the hall,
With no crime scene pics to prove it, take it with a grain assault,
though no film was in the camera, each one swore it's not my fault.

No excape goat to be sacrificed made some star-craving mad,
and to each's own, their lips were steeled, cops knew that they'd been had,
When a sweet short-sided neighbor took her dog out for a walk
and a wheel barrel of trouble came while backs were turned to talk.

Big ole Rover got his haunches up when he first spied that cat,
and he chased it through the hallway where the suspect's prints were at,
In a last stitch try to catch Miss Priss, he plotted through the snow,
in a short spurt of the moment, no bootprints were left to show.

It'd be the bud of D.A.'s jokes if they could guess at Who,
but when there's no perp to bare the blunt, it's sure not trite and true,
Like a large bowl in a china shop, you have to come to turns,
'cause when no one buys the bullet, then it's everyone that burns!

~ Connie ~

"Make crime pay ~ become a lawyer!" --Will Rogers

[Old Timer]

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India . She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC.. In England , a bathroom is commonly called a WC, which stands for 'Water Closet'.

She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.

The school master, not being fluent in English asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC.. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a 'WaysideChurch' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.

It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by
lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on
Sundays and Thursdays.

As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. ople in every seat. It was wonderful to see the
expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been
almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and
make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time.

I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a
place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Woman fainted reading the reply.......and she never visited India !!!

[Kimmy]

Japanese Hotel Service

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ....

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting,



he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically,

'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 15.00 Yen,



and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.



Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection,

which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,


'Manicures, 20.00 Yen'.


'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot,

and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out

his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,

'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 1 Yen.'

The salesman looked both ways, put one Yen in the machine,

unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony

and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off..

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit...

...which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

[Kimmy]

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "0" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas…

[Kimmy]

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call [phone] and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....








scroll down.................

[banger]

A Parent's Prayer
Anonymous

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,

Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

[Kimmy]

A Yorkshire man's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshire man: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshire man: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"
.............................................................................................................................................................................

A Yorkshire man's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".

He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".
.......................................................................................................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[banger]

The Yorkshiremans Advise

'ear all, see all,and say nowt
Eat all,sup all,and pay nowt
And if thy ever does owt for nowt agin
all'ys do it for the sen
-----------------------------------------------------

After That Its Now Time
Ta lease me butes
and gu darn oil
Ta get the coil

(He's A Miner)

[banger]

A Lovely Hand
Author Unknown

Last night I held a lovely hand,

It was so small and neat,

I thought my heart with joy would burst

So wild was every beat.


No other hand unto my heart

Could greater pleasure bring

Than the one so dear I held last night.

Four Aces and a King

[mitzi]

Who Is She?
by Virginia Gronow

Her eyes are like diamonds that are shiny and bright
Her hair is so soft and black as the night
Her legs are long and her body is slender
When you hold her close she is warm and tender

Hiding amongst the shadows so tall
Looking much closer she's not there at all
Always in trouble with her curious way
She stays out all night and sleeps in all day

Creeps into your room and sits up on your bed
Gives gentle kisses on your nose and your head
Always expects you to open the door
There isn't a sound as she walks on the floor

She will not come over when you call
Walks straight past as if you're not there at all
If you want to work she wants to play
Doesn't care if you forget her birthday

Is she your wife or is she your lover
Is she a friend or is she your mother
She is none of those things I can tell you that
This beautiful creature is only the cat

[Kimmy]

T-SHIRT

A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.

'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?'

'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.''




CAR TROUBLE


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.


After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.


She says, "What's the story?"


He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"


She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"




SPEEDING TICKET


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.


She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"




RIVER WALK


There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"


The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."




AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.


"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."


The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;


likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.


The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?


"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."


"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


I knew that couldn't be a real redhead !!!!

KNITTING


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!


Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"


"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"




BLONDE ON THE SUN


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"


The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"


The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"


The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.


To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"




IN A VACUUM


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"


She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"




FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!


A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"


"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Kimmy]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[Kimmy]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh¡t inside!"

[Kimmy]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”
“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”