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Post by banger on Nov 20, 2009 20:59:46 GMT
Talking Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 21, 2009 10:14:59 GMT
This morning on the way to work, I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Mercedes
Doing 75 mph
With her
Face, up next to her
rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
for a couple seconds!
And when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver ,
which knocked
The Mc Donalds Breakfast Bap.
Out of my other hand.
In all
the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked
My Mobile Phone
away from my ear,
which fell,
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.
Damn women drivers!
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 22, 2009 10:02:25 GMT
There was a painter by the name of Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin his paint to make it go further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
He went about erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with the turpentine. Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off the scaffold and on to the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!
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Post by banger on Nov 22, 2009 18:36:38 GMT
A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"
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Post by banger on Nov 22, 2009 18:52:53 GMT
Owed Two A Spell Chequer:
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 23, 2009 8:18:47 GMT
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife ............................................
"Yes" he replied.
"Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."
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Post by banger on Nov 23, 2009 22:37:13 GMT
A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbor".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 24, 2009 8:12:56 GMT
This morning on the way to work, I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Mercedes
Doing 75 mph
With her
Face, up next to her
rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
for a couple seconds!
And when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver ,
which knocked
The Mc Donalds Breakfast Bap.
Out of my other hand.
In all
the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked
My Mobile Phone
away from my ear,
which fell,
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.
Damn women drivers!
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Post by banger on Nov 25, 2009 16:26:02 GMT
Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."
Patient: "I'll come back when you're sober then!"
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 26, 2009 8:41:53 GMT
Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.
No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an "Old Jewish Man" sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,
"We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?
"Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting,
"You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.
It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!"
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 26, 2009 9:55:06 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 27, 2009 9:30:42 GMT
Do you know?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on the "Start" button?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? (What a silly question!)
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 27, 2009 21:50:19 GMT
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says,
"Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.
"Have you found Jesus?"
the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Post by banger on Nov 27, 2009 21:56:50 GMT
Doing this great deed
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 28, 2009 11:32:16 GMT
There once was a rich man who was near death.
He was very grieved because he had worked so
hard for his money and he wanted to be able to
take it with him to heaven. So the rich man began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth
with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry Rich Man, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules. The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that
God had decided to allow him to take one suit-
case with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his
largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars
and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at
the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter
seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't
bring that in here!" But, the man explains to
Peter that he has permission and asks him to
verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back
saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on
bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before
letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to
inspect the worldly items that the man found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?!?"
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 29, 2009 10:53:21 GMT
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage,
"Hey DeBakey!
Is dat you?
"Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,
"So Mr. Fancy Doctor,
look at dis here work.
I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten.
So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."
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Post by banger on Nov 29, 2009 21:08:06 GMT
The Races
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell be every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they
won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last Rites."
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Post by banger on Nov 29, 2009 21:12:39 GMT
Pull, Buddy
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 29, 2009 22:06:26 GMT
 Anybody seen my pet bug? |
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Post by banger on Nov 29, 2009 23:19:00 GMT
Hey! Bug I'm Watching You Just Come Down Here.  |
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 30, 2009 11:18:08 GMT
Its behind you.
Come on get in the panto. spirit.
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Post by banger on Nov 30, 2009 16:26:08 GMT
Oh no it's not  |
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Post by Kimmy on Dec 1, 2009 9:09:51 GMT
Oh yes it is.
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Post by Kimmy on Dec 1, 2009 9:10:08 GMT
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewelery store late one Friday afternoon with a beautiful young blond at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..
On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
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Post by banger on Dec 1, 2009 16:02:28 GMT
I seek you here I seek you there  Oh Yes I Do |
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Post by Kimmy on Dec 2, 2009 8:57:27 GMT
I seek you here I seek you there Oh Yes I Do Not any more. I shall bomb you.  |
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Post by banger on Dec 2, 2009 9:59:10 GMT
 HA! HA! HA! |
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Post by Kimmy on Dec 3, 2009 9:07:44 GMT
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Post by banger on Dec 3, 2009 14:15:45 GMT
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Post by BC on Dec 3, 2009 22:20:17 GMT
THIS JUST IN... Tiger Woods Family Photo  |
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