One liners...

[BC]

I tripped over my wife's bra. It was a booby trap.

[BC]

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: "Duck, eggs". I thought: "That's an unnecessary comma." Then it hit me.

[BC]

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs, we dig, they dig. It's not a long poem. But it's deep.

[BC]

I have an LP called "Wasp Noises". None of the tracks sounded like wasps. Then I realised - I was playing the B side.

When bees move into a new hive, do they have a house-swarming party?

Genie: "What is your first wish, Steve?" - Steve: "To be rich." - Genie: "What is your second wish, Rich?"

Why did the blind man fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

[BC]

Use of the iron is decreasing. Depressing isn’t it?

A Priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type o”.

Man falls into a sports shop's golf club display. He should be OK, but he's not out of the woods yet.

Just had a letter from the Herb and Spice company saying I owe them £100. If I don't pay by tomorrow, they're sending the bay leaves 'round.

The inventor of the 'knock-knock' joke has been awarded a no bell prize.

Do bin men get formal training, or do they pick it up as they go along?

Breaking News! Scientists have made cars that can run on parsley. They are now trying to make trains that can run on thyme.

Two men stole a calendar - they both got six months.

I saw a one-legged man at an ATM today. He was checking his balance.

[BC]

I hate people who use the same word twice in a sentence. Enough is enough.

The grave of Karl Marx is just a communist plot.

Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

I was washing the car with my son. He said, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my allotment. The plot thickens.

[BC]

My daughter asked me what "inexplicable" means. I said, "it's hard to explain."

The guy who owned Odeon cinemas has died today. His funeral is at 12.10, 14.20, and 18.30.

Are farmers experts in their own fields?

My friend hired a limo for £1,000, but it didn't include a driver. Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it.

I got sacked from my job on the dodgems. It's a case of funfair dismissal.

[BC]

The local bread factory burnt down. I think their business is toast.

With so many sporting events being cancelled, they've decided to televise the World Origami Championships. It's on paper view.

What borders on insanity? Mexico and Canada.

Not to brag, but I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in a week. And it said 2-4 years on the box.

[BC]

To keep me busy, I'm building a machine that distributes herbs around the dining table. It's not much, but it passes the thyme.


After I was arrested, my ex-wife hung my mugshot on her wall. But she still won't admit she framed me.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


For all you people who can't stand musical puns, you have my symphony.


I know it's hot, but the next person to ask me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, rum, grated nutmeg and a slice of orange in the same glass is going to get a punch.


Sundays are a little sad. But the day before is a sadder day.


My friend fell in an Egyptian river but would swear he didn't. He was in de Nile.


The wife said we should try some role reversal in bed. So I said I had a headache.


If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife, is that a romantic jester?


Sent out ten puns to see which one would get a laugh. But no pun in ten did.

[BC]

My father died because he couldn't remember his blood type. I will never forget his last words, "Be positive."


I asked the hardware store assistant, "Is this can of fly spray good for wasps?" "No," he said, "it kills them."


I sing Cliff Richard songs but the wife hates them. It's so funny, we don't talk anymore.


Is the best way to cook alligator in a croc pot?


I broke up with my long-term girlfriend when I found out she was a communist. I should have known. There were red flags everywhere.


Do you know what seems odd to me? Numbers that can't be divided by two.


The internet connection to my farm is sketchy, so I moved the router to the barn. Now I have stable wi-fi.


Do you know why snipers always close one eye when aiming? Because if they closed both, the couldn't see the target.

[BC]

You can't bully a pig dressed in ham. Batman has promised to protect goth ham.


I just watched a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I've seen.


I lost the notes for a book I was writing called, "101 ways to cure an itch." Guess I'll have to start from scratch.


If you lock yourself out, just talk to the lock calmly. Communication is the key.


Bought a new shrub trimmer today. It's cutting hedge technology.

[BC]

I ate a clock today. It was time-consuming, especially when I came back for seconds.


I really love my furniture. Me and my recliner go way back.


My wife said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing.

[BC]

You can't run through a campsite, you can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.


I went into a pet shop and asked for 12 bees. He gave me 13. The extra one was a free bee.


I asked my wife for a newspaper. "Newspapers are old school," she said, and handed me her tablet. That fly didn't stand a chance.


Who can drink 2 litres of petrol and not get sick? Jerry can.


James Bond postponed his hair colouring appointment. He's going to dye another day.


What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.


After winning the game I threw my ball into the crowd. Apparently that's frowned upon in bowling.


I want to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon. I told that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.


I went to get my hair cut, but there was a huge queue. By way of apology, the manager started handing out burgers. It was the best barber queue ever.


My wife caught me on the scales sucking in my stomach. "That won't help," she laughed. "Sure it does," I replied, "how else am I going to see the numbers?"


My wife thought I wouldn't be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name. But I decided to call her Bluff.


I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV, "Don't go in the church, you moron!" Turns out she was watching our wedding video.

[Kimmy]

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.