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Post by BC on May 22, 2020 19:28:18 GMT
I can't find my "Gone in 60 seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.
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Post by Kimmy on May 23, 2020 9:50:36 GMT
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday. Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
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Post by Kimmy on May 25, 2020 13:25:07 GMT
When I was in school I got asked, "What is 3000 converted into Roman Numerals ?" I replied, "Mmm..."
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Post by BC on May 25, 2020 19:52:45 GMT
I once bought a Prince CD for £20. I partied like it was £19.99.
A dung beetle walks into a bar: "Is this stool taken?"
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism. They say if I don't pay it back on time, I'll be repossessed.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
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Post by Kimmy on May 28, 2020 8:57:27 GMT
Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life point away from the earth?
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Post by Kimmy on May 28, 2020 9:00:28 GMT
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
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Post by BC on May 29, 2020 19:56:42 GMT
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. It's called Feefiphobia.
I've been saying "mucho" to my Spanish friend more often recently. It means a lot to him.
I just saw my wife trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold.
My wife left me because I'm so very insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
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Post by Kimmy on May 31, 2020 9:15:19 GMT
The Seven dwarfs have been told they can meet in groups of six on Monday. One of them won't be happy.
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Post by Kimmy on Jun 2, 2020 9:40:05 GMT
Social services are rubbish, I rang them up the other day and they flatly refused to organise my birthday party.
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Post by BC on Jun 2, 2020 14:52:05 GMT
I had a great childhood. Each summer, dad would put me in a tyre and roll me down a hill. Those were Goodyears.
I'm reading a horror book in Braille. Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
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Post by BC on Jun 3, 2020 20:04:06 GMT
7 more...
What's the border between Russia and Finland called? The Finnish line.
Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable. I can always count on them.
What do you call a man that pours a lot of drinks? Phil.
I sent my hearing aids off for repair 3 weeks ago. I've heard nothing since.
I bought a new pair of gloves, but they're both 'lefts', which on the one hand is great. But on the other, it's just not right.
Did you hear about the snowman that lost his temper? He had a complete meltdown.
Customer: "I say, waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?" Waiter: "I don't know sir, we never measure it."
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Post by BC on Jun 4, 2020 15:38:52 GMT
8 more...  I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. i said Linda had a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank had a beard. RIP boiled water - you will be mist. What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care. My son asked me "can I have a book mark". I started laughing - 11 years old and doesn't know my name is Brian. I went for an interview at IKEA. The manager greeted me, saying "come in and make a seat". I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst. What's green and not very heavy? Light green. Got a new job as a guillotine operator. Beheading there shortly. |
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Post by Kimmy on Jun 5, 2020 12:46:44 GMT
I was asked if I would do a bungee jump for charity. I said, " If I was pushed."
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Post by BC on Jun 5, 2020 20:14:06 GMT
6 more...
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I lost my memory when I got hit on the head by a boomerang. It's all coming back to me now.
My friend claims he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
What sound does a witches car make? Broom broom.
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it. It's not impossible, I saw it with my own eyes.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home. The difference is staggering.
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Post by BC on Jun 7, 2020 19:09:30 GMT
5 today...
I got a pen from Barcelona. It writes so smoothly and I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised because no one expects the Spanish ink precision.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me and arm and a leg.
So many people these days are too judgemental. I can tell just by looking at them.
A clown held a door open for me. I thought to myself what a nice jester that was.
And finally...
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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Post by BC on Jun 8, 2020 21:40:55 GMT
I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.
The wedding was so beautiful. Even the cake was in tiers.
I've dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia and I won't rest until I find it.
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Post by BC on Jun 10, 2020 19:39:52 GMT
My friend said "thanks" for the elephant I bought for her room. I said "don't mention it".
I asked my surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic. He said "Go ahead, knock yourself out".
I have a friend who really likes to count. I wonder what he's up to.
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Post by BC on Jun 11, 2020 21:42:15 GMT
What kind of award did the dentist receive? A little plaque.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink and no one listened. He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the cinema.
I think my wife's been putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
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Post by BC on Jun 12, 2020 21:57:52 GMT
My kids have been throwing scrabble tiles at each other again. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of Tarmac under his arm: "A beer for me and one for the road".
After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
Finding lost luggage at the airport should be easy. However, that's not the case.
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Post by BC on Jun 13, 2020 19:12:16 GMT
The 5 signs of laziness:
1.
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Post by BC on Jun 14, 2020 20:46:51 GMT
Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.
The man who invented Velcro died recently. RIP
Where did Captain Hook get his hook from? The second-hand store.
Grandma isn't a fan of her new stairlift. She says it drives her up the wall.
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Post by Kimmy on Jun 15, 2020 19:42:46 GMT
It’s not a good time to be a statue busker... I’ve been thrown in the river 6 times this week!
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Post by BC on Jun 15, 2020 21:39:23 GMT
It’s not a good time to be a statue busker... I’ve been thrown in the river 6 times this week!
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Post by BC on Jun 16, 2020 20:59:07 GMT
I have resigned my job as a Personal Trainer because I'm not strong enough. I gave them my Too Weak notice.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. It's only mild though.
Did you hear about the French cheese factory that exploded? Nothing left but de brie.
The scariest thing to read in braille: "Do not touch".
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Post by Kimmy on Jun 17, 2020 8:52:03 GMT
If Watson isn't the most famous Doctor then Who is.
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Post by BC on Jun 19, 2020 12:33:50 GMT
What did the buffalo say when his son left home? "Bison". Do you know what procrastinate means? I'll tell you later. One for these Covid-times: Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I'd go up to a bank clerk with a mask on asking for money.
And one the ladies will like: Yesterday, my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today, I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
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Post by BC on Jun 21, 2020 20:33:20 GMT
There's going to be a new documentary series on how to fly a plane. They are currently filming the pilot.
What do you call call a broken can opener? A can't opener.
I've got a new job working shifts at the chess set factory. I'm on knights next week.
I just realised my kitchen work-surface is made of marble. I've been taking it for granite all these years.
My car only works every other day. I think it might be the alternator.
My friend Jack claims he can communicate with legumes. Jack and the beans talk.
A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me fat. Apparently there's a nasty bug going round.
I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Des O'Connor CD and it's fine now.
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Post by BC on Jun 22, 2020 19:12:29 GMT
I'm afraid of cows. I live my life in udder fear.
I've got a job making plastic Draculas. There's just the two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Apparently, 97% of the world is stupid. Luckily, I'm in the other 5%.
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Post by BC on Jun 25, 2020 15:25:06 GMT
The singing bull: "Something in the way she moos, attracts me like no udder lover".
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Post by BC on Jun 28, 2020 19:43:06 GMT
Safety meeting at work: when asked "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?", it would appear that "Really big ones" was not the answer they were looking for.
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