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Post by BC on Apr 14, 2020 19:52:42 GMT
A man gets home to find that burglars have stolen all his lamps. He was delighted.
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Post by BC on Apr 16, 2020 14:08:32 GMT
The finest shoes are made of smooth leather. My opinion will never be suede.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 18, 2020 9:35:29 GMT
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 19, 2020 8:50:54 GMT
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 20, 2020 9:57:05 GMT
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
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Post by BC on Apr 20, 2020 13:09:06 GMT
Man injured in bizarre pee-a-boo accident. He's in ICU.
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Post by BC on Apr 20, 2020 20:16:40 GMT
Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle". It really was a vile inn.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 21, 2020 9:13:04 GMT
Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 22, 2020 7:46:13 GMT
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 23, 2020 8:52:50 GMT
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
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Post by BC on Apr 23, 2020 19:33:26 GMT
I heard there's a new shop opening called "Moderation". They have everything there.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 24, 2020 8:53:24 GMT
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
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Post by BC on Apr 28, 2020 20:18:08 GMT
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion. They say he'll be give a tough sentence.
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Post by Kimmy on Apr 30, 2020 9:17:39 GMT
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
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Post by BC on Apr 30, 2020 14:08:52 GMT
4 today:
I didn't think orthopaedic shoes would help. But I stand corrected.
My book on clocks has just arrived. It's about time.
I was robbed by 6 dwarves today. Not happy.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo-keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
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Post by Kimmy on May 1, 2020 16:40:08 GMT
A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser. Ironically, he won't be needing it now.
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Post by BC on May 2, 2020 22:06:49 GMT
A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser. Ironically, he won't be needing it now.
A treat today - I have 6 one-liners for you!
***
Before my surgery, the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I've ever seen.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We supported The Doors.
What do you call a pig with 3 eyes? A piiig.
How do you make the number one disappear? Just add a 'g' and it's gone.
My neighbour complained to me about my dog chasing people on a bike. Utter rubbish - my dog can't even ride a bike.
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Post by liz on May 3, 2020 8:32:18 GMT
Very good BC and so are yours Kimmy.  |
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Post by Kimmy on May 3, 2020 9:24:51 GMT
If you want to save money this Christmas, now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.
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Post by BC on May 5, 2020 21:16:23 GMT
Very good BC and so are yours Kimmy.
5 more for the collection...
What's the best part of living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Where do naughty rainbows go? Prism.
My wife said she's going to leave me in the morning as I'm obsessed with Wham! I said "Wake me up before you go go".
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm OK.
Apparently, it takes 5 sheep to make one sweater. I didn't even know they could knit.
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Post by Kimmy on May 6, 2020 16:19:02 GMT
If anyone wants to come and talk to me about my shoddy joinery work, my door is always open!
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Post by BC on May 6, 2020 19:04:59 GMT
3 more...
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 metres long? A πthon.
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell DISASTER.
As I get older, I find all I need is a Vision Express, a Boots and a Greggs. Yes, life is about specs and drugs and sausage rolls.
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Post by BC on May 11, 2020 22:34:05 GMT
2 more...
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing, but this is about as close as I could get.
"Hello everyone and welcome to 'Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous' - I can see a lot of new faces here tonight".
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Post by Kimmy on May 14, 2020 16:14:18 GMT
After years of studying obituaries, I have concluded that no one ill-tempered or unimportant ever dies.
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Post by BC on May 14, 2020 18:40:01 GMT
5 more to keep you groaning!  I have a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words too. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me. A policeman left a note on my car to let me know I'd parked correctly. It said "parking fine". I write songs about sewing machines as I'm a Singer song-writer. Fitting hair-pieces costs £50, but it's a small price toupee. |
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Post by Kimmy on May 16, 2020 9:09:13 GMT
I just got off the phone to Sea World. They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises
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Post by BC on May 16, 2020 18:19:20 GMT
6 more.  I wish I could get a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing. Apparently boat builders are happy about working from home during the lockdown. Sails have gone through the roof. The advert said "Radio £2, volume stuck on max". I thought: "I can't turn that down". A police van carrying 12 convicts has crashed into a cement mixer. They are now looking for a dozen hardened criminals. I was going to tell you a time-travel joke, but you didn't like it. A sinkhole has opened up on the motorway. Police are looking into it. |
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Post by BC on May 17, 2020 21:13:36 GMT
3 more.  How do you cut an ocean in half? With a sea saw. I'm addicted to seaweed, but I'm seeking kelp. You may think I'm wrong for stealing kitchen utensils. But that's a whisk I'm willing to take. |
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Post by Kimmy on May 18, 2020 16:50:51 GMT
I think that documentary about Eddie Stobart will be superb. I’ve just seen the trailer.
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Post by BC on May 18, 2020 19:08:11 GMT
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.
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