Adult Jokes

[Kimmy]

Twelve Italian priests were about
to be ordained.





The final test was for them to line
up in a straight row, totally nude,
in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced
before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached
to his weenie, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would
not be ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before
the first candidate with no reaction..
She proceeded down the line with
the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final
priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his
bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly
scrambled to where the bell came
to rest. He bent over to pick it up....

and all the other bells started to ring!!

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

When Jane met Tarzan she was attracted to him.

During her questions about his life she asked how he had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, “Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothing and lay on the ground.

Here,” she said, pointing to her groin, “you must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch.

Jane rolled in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”

Tarzan replied, “First check for squirrel.

[Kimmy]

Got a text off my friend earlier, it read:

"Hey mate, I've found a local prostitute who charges by the inch. I can't afford her, but I thought it would be a cheap night out for you."

What a ****.
I've forwarded that to his wife.

[humphrey]

A pretty little girl named Suzy


A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement infront of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tinycreatures and in her hand was a sign announcing “FREE KITTENS”.

Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of thelead car stepped a grinning man.

“Hi there little girl, I’m the leader of the ConservativeParty, David Cameron.

What do you have in the basket?” he asked.

“Kittens,” little Suzy said.

“How old are they?” asked Mr Cameron.

Suzy replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”

“And what kind of kittens are they?”

“They're REMAIN IN EU SUPPORTERS,” answered Suzy with a sweet smile.

Mr Cameron was delighted, a golden opportunity beckoned.

As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief andtold him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfectphoto op, the three of them agreed that they should return the next
day and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about herdiscerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with herbasket of “FREE KITTENS,” when Cameron’s motorcade pulled up, this timefollowed by vans from BBC, ITV, Channels 4, Channels 5, CNN and Sky
News, cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Cameron gotout of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all myfriends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”

“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They’re BREXIT supporters.”

Taken by surprise, David Cameron stammered,“But…but…yesterday, you told me they were REMAIN IN EU SUPPORTERS.”

Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know. But today, they have their eyes open.

[Kimmy]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

[Kimmy]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to the priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest was watching and quickly ran over, saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box !'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box - and according to you, that's the same as putting it in !'

[Kimmy]

A religious young woman went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' \
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will that cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it might wipe that smile off your face !'

[Kimmy]

LITTLE JOHNNY.................
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to death on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class, now, I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question?'," asked the teacher.
Little Pham Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare.'
'Well done!,' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher, 'The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fy Sum Kat also at the front yelled out, "I believe it was Martin Luther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."
"No thank you miss. I am of Chinese origin and we also do not take time off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too," said little Fy Sum Kat. 'Okay,' said the teacher.
Then, she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, F***ing Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.Little Johnny yelled, "Donald Trump! See ya on Tuesday!!!!"

[Kimmy]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[BC]

[Kimmy]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street .

He asked her name........... 'Polo. I'm the one with the hole' she said, with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.

[Kimmy]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin ,
when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, the Mother Superior turns to Sister Martha and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Martha rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers,
before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Martha then rolls up her window, looks back at the Mother Superior and quite innocently asks - "Did that sound cross enough?"

[Kimmy]

I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f*ck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

[Kimmy]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

How do you like it here?" asked the grandson"

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor.

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years,
and they still call me The xxxxxxx Arab.

[Kimmy]

While in ASDA packing shopping into the car you may be approached by two very fit looking 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with their boobs pressed against the glass and then ask for a lift to the next Supermarket as payment. During the journey they strip down to perform oral to each other on the back seat. One of the girls will then jump into the front seat and 'pleasure you' while the other attempts to steal your wallet.


I had mine stolen last Thursday, Friday, Saturday and twice on Sunday, so be careful.

[Kimmy]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove past'
'Looks like the Andersons have visitors,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skateboard!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

[Kimmy]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother,
"Have you ever heard of a p*nis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

[Kimmy]

Three nurse are in a mortuary and lying before them is a deceased male with a very large erection.
The first nurse licks her lips and says to the other two" I know i shouldn't but it would be such a waste"
She hitches up her dress and get's on and has the most magnificent orgasm.
Seeing this the second nurse decides to do the same climbs on and also has the most intense orgasm.
The third nurse is on the rag  but having witnessed the first two wants a piece of the action so on she gets and has a shuddering orgasm.

At this point to their horror the man's eyes slowly open and he raises himself up off the slab."Oh my god" the nurses cry."We are so sorry but we thought you were dead"

"I was" said the man "but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion i feel brilliant"

[Kimmy]

The 'F' word

When is it Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the **** do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. EJ. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the **** was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

9. "Where did all those ****ing Indians come from?" -- George Custer, 1876

8. "Any ****ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein, 1916

7. "It does so ****ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso, 1926

6. "How the **** did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1508

4. "Where the **** are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered ****ing showers, my arse!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c’mon Monica. Who the **** is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "There is no ****ing way Trump will ever become president" -- Hillary Clinton 2016

[BC]

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself.”

[Kimmy]

Bloke buys a cockney parrot but gets sick of it saying ‘I’m from London and I’m hard as f*ck’
So he puts a kestrel in the cage. Next morning he finds the kestrel dead and the parrot says ‘I’m from London and I’m hard as f*ck’
So he puts a golden eagle in the cage. Next morning he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers. As he looks into the cage the parrot says ‘Had to take my coat off for that c*nt’

[Kimmy]

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, ; that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch.. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my arse...!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

[BC]

May 30, 2018 12:21:01 GMT Kimmy said:

The rest, as they say, is history...

[BC]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."

[BC]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a hog, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

[Kimmy]

Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?" Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else!" A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?" My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio. Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks. They reckon that beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk crap and can't drive. What's the difference between Basil Brush and a Paki with a rucksack? The Paki with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once. Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard" A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother has a moustache!" A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me" "Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

[Kimmy]

A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just w@nks!”
She asked.. “Why only w@nks?”..her pimp said.. “Union rules!..you gotta work a week in hand!”

[Kimmy]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is an old fart in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the old fart and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old guy replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

[Kimmy]

Don"t waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months.
My balls still look like walnuts.