Adult Jokes

[Kimmy]

Junior asked his dad one day, "when you go to heaven, do you go feet first?

"No, son, why do you ask?"

"Well, I saw Mummy laying on the bed with her feet in the air and she was shouting 'oh, god, I'm coming, I'm coming!...and she would have gone too, if Uncle Ryan wasn't holding her down"

[Kimmy]

Two nuns are waiting in their car at the traffic lights when a car of young lads pulls up next to them.
"Oi, get your tits out, penguin", shouts one of the lads.
Sister Nancy turns to Sister Clare, "I don't think they know who we are, just show them your cross."
So Sister Clare hangs out of the window and shouts, "F*ck off you little xxxxs before I rip your f*cking boll*cks off".

[Kimmy]

Went for my annual health check up with the nurse today
she suggested that i stop masterbating.
I said,*Why?"
she replied" Cos i'm trying to examine you!!!"

[Kimmy]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

How do you like it here?" asked the grandson"

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you,since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor.

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years,
and they still call me The xxxxxxx Arab.

[Kimmy]

This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.
DON'T PEEP!

Pick a number between 1 and 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3 to that number.

Multiply by 3 again.

Add the 2 digits together.


















Now discover your favourite film!

3. Oliver Twist.

4. Star Wars.

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled -Up Lady Boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

[Kimmy]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

[Kimmy]

Went for my annual health check up with the nurse today
she suggested that i stop masterbating.
I said,*Why?"
she replied" Cos i'm trying to examine you!!!"

[Kimmy]

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES.

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES.

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL WAS AWAITING YOU.

IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN.

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS & PETS.

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?


Well....... HELLOOooo !!!!!!!


WRONG FUCKIN' HOUSE!

[Kimmy]

Pedro and Maria got married

Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and
uninformed about the birds and the bees

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for
a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack

When Pedro was undressing Maria said
'Oh Pedro, what is that?'

Pedro being very quick thinking said

'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these'
Then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy


The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual.
When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch
obviously upset about something.

'Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one
of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he
had one, too.'

Thinking fast, Pedro said
'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend.
I had two of them so I gave him one.
He is the only other man in the world with one of those.'
Marie, being very stupid, accepted his answer and they did their thing
again that night.

Pedro went off to work again the next morning; and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch

Pedro said, 'Maria, what is the matter now?'

'Pedro…………You gave Gonzalez the best one!!'

[Kimmy]

A woman is at home alone when she hears someone knock at the door. When she opens the door there's a man standing there. He asks her, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and It is the same man and he asks the same question of the Woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she Tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and Concerned voice,'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be Home just in case this guy shows up again.' The next morning they hear a knock and both run For the door. The husband says to the wife in a Whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind The door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to Answer yes to the question because I want to see where the Bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and Asks the same question; 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes, actually I have,' she says. The man replies . . .. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to Leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

[Kimmy]

Subject: Magic Penis,
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.

The man there said, ‘Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.

Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

[Kimmy]

Paddy shows his blonde girlfriend the 'L' and 'R' labels in his Wellies, explaining that they mean 'Left' and 'Right'...."Oh!" She says "now I understand the C & A label in my thong!"

[Kimmy]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

[Kimmy]

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only.


Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says ‘why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.












The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night... To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

[Kimmy]

Let's test the way you think :-

thepenisinhermouth.

Did you read 'the pen is in her mouth'?

Nah, me neither.

[Kimmy]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Waitrose either!"

[Kimmy]

Just as you can get insurance for Cars, Property Sports etc., you can now get insurance for sex!
So make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find below a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-

Sex with your wife - Legal and General
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Sex with your maid - Employers Liability
Sex with an OAP - Saga
Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident
And finally
Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Make sure you are adequately covered

[Kimmy]

Subject: Three dogs in the vets office


Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up
a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, "
So why are you here? "

The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the
curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, " So what's
the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the
Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here "
The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you? " the Black Lab
inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything
I see." "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending
down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back
and started hammering away.”

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[Kimmy]

Northampton Police report finding a man's body in the River Nene, near
Becketts Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has
been notified..

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string,
a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Milliband for PM’ on 2015 T-shirt.

He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.

The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any
unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.

[BC]

A male patient is lying in bed in War Memorial Hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much". That was very nice. Now listen very, very closely and read my lips: "Are - my - test - results - back"?

[Kimmy]

REGRET FROM THE HOSPITAL

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness
on your penis tip was NOT cancer,it was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.

[Kimmy]

AN IRISHMAN IN AN ELEVATOR...

A skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman
staring at him. He looks down at the Irishman and says: "7 ft tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"

The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy
kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's
wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...I'm 7 ft tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each
and my name is Turner Brown"

The little white Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus... I thought you said, "Turn around!"

[Kimmy]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you f@rt, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I f@rt 35 times a day.’

[Kimmy]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day’. How much was the sale for?’
'£124,237.64p' said the Aussie

The manager choked and exclaimed ‘£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.'

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing...’

[Kimmy]

The Power of Shrimp

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

He finished the box and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she had enough, and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid, worthless, Infidel, Catholic bitch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed camel fucker."

[Kimmy]

A wise person once said:



1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.



2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.



3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.



4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.



AND



5. I haven't verified this, but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[Kimmy]

When you're seventy:

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This FAT, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,
"You're kind of cute, you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said ,"Yeah, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

When you are over seventy . . . who gives a xxxx?

**********
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over seventy, who gives a xxxx?

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there
instead of you."
When you are over seventy, who gives a xxxx?

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman
was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I answered, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy, who gives a xxxx?

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy, who gives a xxxx?

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy, who gives a xxxx?

[Kimmy]

DATING IN THE 60s. Remember those days?


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a date with Annabella.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell...

'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.

'Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.

'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly.

'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'

'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.

'Oh yes,'she said.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted James..

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.


'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

'The bloody dance is called the ......... Twist!'

[Kimmy]

Subject: FIVE YEAR OLD

Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender… It’s not like you to be so
down in the mouth.”

“It’s my five year old son…” Bob replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s
just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the
bartender, sympathetically.

“ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far
worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next
door neighbor pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

“It’s not,” said the man. "The little bugger stuck a pin in all
my condoms.”

[BC]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow."

"That's no better either, Hamish."

"Now, how about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to five and eventually blurted out; "London".

"Brilliant, Paddy!" said the therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 10 minutes of steamy sex, Paddy said…












"d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."