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Post by BC on Feb 25, 2013 20:22:30 GMT
4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha?s got to gi me another week to come up wi? 500 quid? Very good Banger - didn't see that coming.  _______________________________________________ FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view) The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "fifty shades of grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread... In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominator !! Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left t*t! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!! Well readers, I can't tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey. |
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Post by Kimmy on Mar 7, 2013 16:50:20 GMT
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Post by Kimmy on Mar 20, 2013 13:06:06 GMT
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"
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Post by Kimmy on Mar 20, 2013 13:24:48 GMT
A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you're lucky you don't bark.
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Post by BC on May 9, 2013 23:35:11 GMT
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Post by BC on Jul 3, 2013 20:22:53 GMT
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence , 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? xxxx ... Is it midnight already?' The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as the 'Best come-back line ever.' 
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Post by BC on Jul 4, 2013 13:18:13 GMT
Air Show Disaster -
AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGSThis just shows the inherent dangers of these spectacular events. The amazing photo below, snapped at the moment of impact, shows the pilot desperately trying to regain control of his aircraft. It narrowly misses a large crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the poor victims inside those buildings. > > > > > > > > >  No one was killed, but it probably scared the sh!t out of them.  Attachments:
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Post by Kimmy on Jul 21, 2013 7:50:22 GMT
ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX:?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.
Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
Sex with a posh bird - Privileged
Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union;
Sex with your maid- Employer's Liability.
Sex with an OAP - Saga !
Sex resulting in pregnancy- General Accident
and finally
Sex with a transvestite - confused.com
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Post by Kimmy on Jul 30, 2013 18:43:27 GMT
I was in the park when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.
" Bradford ,!!!...There's xxxxxxx thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.
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Post by Kimmy on Aug 30, 2013 18:58:25 GMT
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.....sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I am a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence...."
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Post by Kimmy on Sept 4, 2013 6:52:59 GMT
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Post by Kimmy on Sept 8, 2013 9:19:24 GMT
B&Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner s_ubmitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITON:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PRFFERRPD HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here'?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bognor babe walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to B & Q."
I then said,
"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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Post by Kimmy on Sept 13, 2013 15:41:28 GMT
————————————————————————————
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
————————————————————————————
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
——————————————————————————
I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”
————————————————————————————
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
————————————————————————————
Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....It’s women that make it hard
————————————————————————————
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
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Post by BC on Oct 2, 2013 22:47:45 GMT
Various... A Muslim has been shot at an athletics track with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.  |
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 1, 2013 9:33:31 GMT
Confucius Say: It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.
Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, doesn’t know if he's
coming or going.
Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you
take it out, and you lose interest.
Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than
to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.
& THE BEST OF ALL:
Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one hour wait for a
2-minute ride.
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 1, 2013 9:34:35 GMT
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get
the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a
Product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT"
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
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Post by BC on Nov 7, 2013 14:26:25 GMT
INSURED FOR SEXMake sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes: Sex with your Partner - Standard Life Sex with your wife - Legal & General Sex on the telephone - Direct Line Sex with someone Different - Go Compare Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels Sex with a posh bird - Privileged Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union Sex with your maid- Employer's Liability Sex with an OAP - Saga Sex resulting in pregnancy- General Accident Sex with a transvestite - confused.com
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 10, 2013 9:26:51 GMT
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get
me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been
living off a dead beetle for the last thirty years.
What is nasal sex?
Fuck nose.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for fucks sake, some of us have got
homes to go to!'
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big
fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting
your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small
white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.
In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and
says, 'Curry Ok?'
I said, 'go on then, just one song then bugger off'
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom
machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert
£2 and push knob in'.
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 10, 2013 11:07:23 GMT
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do says the Devil, "you're on my list, but I have no room for you.
But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone go.
"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you will have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. It was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George shouted, "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long".
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer over and over, time after time.
"No I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day", commented George.
The devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah I can handle this".
The Devil smiled and said "Ok Monica you're free to go".
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 10, 2013 11:10:49 GMT
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked Her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do Was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 10, 2013 11:11:16 GMT
Zookeeper says to Paddy "The Gorilla is on heat & we need someone 2 have sex with it. Would u consider shagging it for $5OO?" Paddy replies "I will on 3 conditions' 1st i'm not kissing it, 2nd my family must never know & 3rd i'll need a couple of weeks 2 get the cash together.
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 10, 2013 11:12:29 GMT
Hey mate really need your advice for serious problem ! I suspected for some time now that the misses has been cheating. The usual signs; phone rings, if i answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight i hid in the shed behind the motorbike when she came home she got out of some ones car she was buttoning her blouse and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the motorbike i noticed it...
a A fuckin hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket.. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it . . . . ?
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 10, 2013 11:13:09 GMT
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
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Post by Kimmy on Nov 11, 2013 8:29:48 GMT
News flashes:
>
> Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing
> involved, it's all tongue and groove.
>
> A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's
> definitely race related.
>
> Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have
> announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
>
> I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
> explaining they were not a dating agency.
>
> The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was
> anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the
> audience did try to warn him.
>
> Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its
> considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its
> £2.50/min (charges may vary)
>
> Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a
> clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit
> taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
>
> Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to
> end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
>
> Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at
> my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new
> Taser!
>
> Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with
> just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
>
> If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from
> tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
>
> They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm
> wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is
> going to shift this beer belly.
>
> I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and
> abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on
> my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
>
> When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and
> put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
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Post by Kimmy on Jan 11, 2014 15:57:50 GMT
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your Hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your Hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'
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Post by Kimmy on Jan 11, 2014 15:59:35 GMT
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,
marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran
and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,
which he also unfolds -
to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,
and marches out of the door,
shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists
and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
“We'll have a new one."
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Post by Kimmy on Jan 11, 2014 16:00:31 GMT
A woman was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ......
Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that
at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles
could easily rupture."
"Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in
bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be
justified?"
The doctor spoke very calmly,
"Same illness, but he’s with BUPA."
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Post by Kimmy on Jan 22, 2014 9:49:44 GMT
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (glad I don't live in Indonesia) (Much worse than 'going blind!') *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.' (Is this a great country or what? Well,.... not as great as Guam *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for these tests?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of  ) (Did our government pay for this research??) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Butterflies taste with their feet.. (Ah, geez.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.) *~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their arse. (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!) Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!! |
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Post by Kimmy on Jan 23, 2014 12:10:48 GMT
The wife suggested i get myself one of those pen1s enlargers...
So i did....She's 21 and her names Lucy..
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Post by Kimmy on Jan 23, 2014 12:11:49 GMT
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'
Sally replied, 'No... salty.
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