Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[Kimmy]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog named Scooter as his only companion.

But poor Scooter was old and one day he died.

Muldoon was heartbroken and went see Father Patrick, to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we canna' have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me Scooter was Catholic?"

[Kimmy]

GETTING OLD.

- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

- You start video taping daytime game shows.

- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

- You look both ways before crossing a room.

- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

- You have a dream about prunes.

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel.

- You can go bowling without drinking.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

- You don't remember being absent minded.

- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

[Kimmy]

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold
Who started to rob a house;
He opened the window, and then crept in
As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide,
'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money
I'll take a quiet sneak."

So under the bed the burglar crept;
He crept up close to the wall;
He didn't know it was an old maid's room
Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay;
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight
That made his hair turn gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in;
"I am so tired," she said;
She thought that all was well that night
So she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her head;
The burglar, he had forty fits
As he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,
He was a total wreck;
The old maid wasn't asleep at all
And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn't holler, or shout or call,
She was as cool as a clam;
She only said, "The Saints be praised,
At last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew,
And to the burglar she said,
"Young man, if you don't marry me,
I'll blow off the top of your head!"

She held him firmly by the neck,
He hadn't a chance to scoot;
He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,
And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

[Kimmy]

California vintners in the Napa Valley area,
Which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir
and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new
hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older
people have to make to the bathroom during the night .

The new wine will be marketed as...

PINO MORE


I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!

[banger]

A Crime Scene
by Albert Van Hoogmoed


There's been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.

A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman's spouse.

He'd just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.

The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He'd never forget that terrible day.

He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,

Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.

''Who could have done this terrible thing?''
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.

''Just look at the clues,'' replied Sargeant Miller.
''It looks like the work of a cereal killer.''

[Kimmy]

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

[banger]

After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff. Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette. After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight. They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.
Well they talked about it for a while but no-one could decide a fair way of of choosing who should jump. Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap.
To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice. She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them.
After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!

[Kimmy]

The Laws of Golf


LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.)

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.)

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.(Funny how this law also applies to men who have no sex and advice on picking up women.)

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law, does not come close.)

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."

Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

[Kimmy]

For The Ladies.

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed:

' God, please give me the strength to cross the river. '




Poof! . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.



After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ' God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river '




Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.



Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ' God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river '



Poof! . He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[banger]

Come on now Mitzi and Blackcat what do you remember

[banger]

[banger]

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

[Kimmy]

The 5 Riddles....
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.. Try to do so without any coaching!




THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

[Kimmy]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.





2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'





3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.





4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.




5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'





6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'





7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'




8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.




9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.




11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.




12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'






13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.





14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.




15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'





16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the

craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.






17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'







18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'





19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
He suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.







20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends,

with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.


No pun in ten did.

[banger]

FLOORING THE FERRARI

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"

"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."

"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.

"I thought you were trying to bring her back."

[Kimmy]

WHY THE ECONOMY FELL OFF THE CLIFF

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN
JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his kettle (MADE IN CHINA ) was heating, he shaved with his
electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG )
He put on a shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN
SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric microwave oven (MADE IN
INDIA )
he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO )
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN
TAIWAN )
to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search for a good paying ENGLISH JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his
Computer (made in MALAYSIA ),
John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN
BRAZIL ), poured himself a glass of
wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying ENGLISH job
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A P.M. and Cabinet ministers MADE
IN SCOTLAND

[banger]

[banger]

A Mugging
by David Axton


When my guard was down they attacked from behind
With a blow to the head - now I wake up to find
There's a sort of red mist in front of one eye
And my tongue's gone all rubbery and my mouth is so dry.

There's a part of my head that floats on its own
And a pain when I move that just makes me groan.
My stomach and its contents have ceased to be friends
And are now parting company via both ends.

I ought to get up but I'm frightened to try,
I just want to lie here and hope that I'll die.
I can't understand how I came to be caught
By those two nasty muggers - red wine and port.

[Kimmy]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party and after several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No! No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him dearly and he hasn't done too bad in life. His birthday was just two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[mitzi]

[Kimmy]

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[banger]

AT THE SUPERMARKET

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

[Kimmy]

Bathing the Cat

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

[mitzi]

I Have Dogs For Breakfast
So Be Careful ;D

[banger]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

[banger]

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

[Kimmy]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Kimmy]

The original computer.

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

[banger]

[Kimmy]

A Welsh rugby fan is drinking in an English bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical welsh baby ...boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Wales ... like I said, my boy's a typical welsh baby boy. Gonna be a rugby player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to... the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical welsh baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The Welshman takes a ...slow swig of his Brains dark, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised...'