Just Joking. Jokes For Everbody.

[banger]

[Kimmy]

THIS IS TRUE.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard
and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.
You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one
person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of
this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to
read:
"Fridge for sale £50."
The next day someone stole it. Caution...
*They Walk Among Us and They Vote!

[Kimmy]

Beer contains female hormones
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a
Recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
Period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[banger]

[Kimmy]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
>>
>> (1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan , age 10
>>
>> (2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10
>>
>>
>> WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>>
>> (1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
>> - Camille, age 10
>>
>> (2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
>> - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
>>
>> HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
>>
>> (1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
>>
>> (1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
>>
>> WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
>>
>> (1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
>>
>> (2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)
>>
>> WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
>>
>> (1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead s. -Craig, age 9
>>
>> WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
>>
>> (1) When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)
>>
>> (2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
>> - Curt, age 7 (Good Point)
>>
>> (3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to - Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)
>>
>> IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
>>
>> It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
>>
>>
>> HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF
>> PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
>>
>> (1 ) There sure would be lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there. - Kelvin, age 8
>>
>>
>> And the #1 Favourite is........
>>
>> HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
>>
>> (1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
>> - Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)
>>

[Kimmy]

John is a salesman's delight when it comes to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha long ago gave up trying to change him.

One day John comes home with another one of his unusual purchases...a robot that John claims is a lie detector.

It's about 5:30 PM when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returns home from school. Tommy's 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you 2 hours late?" asks John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," says Tommy.

The robot walks around the table and slaps Tommy, knocking him off his chair.

"Son," says John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." says Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asks Marsha.

"'The Ten Commandments'." answers Tommy.

The robot goes to Tommy and once again slaps him, knocking him out of his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy gets up and says, "I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called 'Sex Queen'."

"I'm ashamed of you son," says John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walks over to John and delivers a whack that nearly knocks him out of his chair.

Marsha doubles over in laughter and says, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be mad at Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walks over to Marsha and knocks her out of her chair.

[Kimmy]

When I'm 100, if I lean a little - let me!!


The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, strai ghtened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right..

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart.'

[banger]

[banger]

[Kimmy]

Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.

"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

[Kimmy]

[Kimmy]

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under
the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.

"I've circled this block for 10
years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.

Lead Us Not Into Temptation."

[banger]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'
>
>
>
>
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The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king'

[banger]

[banger]

[banger]

[Kimmy]

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice Wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER :
'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'

Finally, here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..
Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

[Kimmy]

'Viagra ' is now available
>>
>> in powder form
>>
>> for your tea.
>> It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
>>
>> but it does stop your biscuit going soft..
>>

[Kimmy]

After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a bloody jinx!"

[Kimmy]

See if you can answer these correctly...




Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) questions. You

have to answer them quickly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.



OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.


Ready?



First Question:



You are participating in a race. You overtake the second

person. What position are you in?



Answer: If you answered that you are first,

then you are absolutely wrong!



If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are

second!





Try not to mess up in the next question. To answer the second

question, don't take as much time as you took on the first

question.




Second Question:



If you overtake the last person, then you are...?



Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you

are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!



You're not very good at this are you?




Third Question:



Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do

NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30..

add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.



What is the total? Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.



Don't believe it? Check your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day.




Maybe you will get the last question right?




Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2 Nene,

3. Nini, 4. Nono.



What is the name of the fifth daughter?



Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary.

Read the Question again.

[Kimmy]

A couple has a dog who snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed..

Later that night, her husband returns home inebriated from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were .. Or what we did ...... But, by God, we took FIRST and SECOND place.

[Kimmy]

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to America on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the log book, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £250,000 Rolls as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"


The blond replies....."Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[banger]

Signs and notices 08
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign at a hotel. "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

Sign in a science teacher's room: "If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics."

Sign in butchers window: "Pleased to meat you."

Sign on auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"

Sign at the dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

Sign in a Norwegian lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

[Kimmy]

A young boy had just
gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use
of the family car.



His father said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little,
and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son,
I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently,
but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment
and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied,
"Yes son,
and they walked everywhere they went!"

[Kimmy]

A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL,
SAID, "HELLO, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.
I'D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE."
THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID,
"WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?"
SHE SAID, "SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302."
"I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION."
"3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"
"I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302."
"JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.
OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE'S HAD TWO FULL MEALS,
HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE
AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE'S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O' CLOCK."
THE WOMAN SAID," THANK GOD!
THAT'S WONDERFUL"
OH! THAT'S FANTASTIC.
THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS! "
THE NURSE SAID," FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!"


"NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!
AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!"

[Kimmy]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T




IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked,
"Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him,
"Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"


IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars"
and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.




IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.





IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."





IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.



IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

[Kimmy]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."




The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."





The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter,
Mom sent out her letters of thanks:


"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious!"

[Kimmy]

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

[BC]

If she hasn't, she will soon...

[banger]

CHEEKY CAT